


In Memory Lock'd

by Akai Kinomi (akai_kinomi)



Category: No. 6 - All Media Types, No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: Emotional Trauma, Healing, M/M, Post-Series/Books, Reflection, Reunion, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 13:02:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akai_kinomi/pseuds/Akai%20Kinomi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things are found where you least expect them.  Shion and Nezumi are challenged to deal with their feelings for each other and live with the scars from their pasts.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

_…The spirit within thee hath been so at war,_  
_And thus hath so bestirr'd thee in thy sleep_  
_That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow,_  
_Like bubbles in a late-disturbed stream…_

Henry IV, Act II, Scene 3

Shion had been staring through the window of the airplane so long he was beginning to lose track of time.  The novel that seemed so engrossing when he started had long since ceased to hold his interest and slipped softly from his hand into his lap.  As he crossed the ocean, it was the rolling swells of gray that absorbed him as they stretched out endlessly beneath a clear blue sky.  Ripples flashed randomly in the sun.

 _Nezumi's eyes,_ he thought.

Shion lived in his mind a lot since Nezumi had left.  It was his sanctuary, the place where he felt closest to him, lost in his memories.

A soul-weary sigh escaped his lips.  The low drone of engines filled his ears and drowned out the conversations in nearby seats. The seat next to him was empty and lent to his self-absorption as he passed the time on his own.

For the first time, earlier that morning, Shion saw the scattered woods that remained of the Forest People’s home where Nezumi was born.  Even though it bordered the sprawling, concrete airport complex, he could see, in the half light of dawn, a light green dusting of early spring buds covering the trees.  Life still clung to the land.

He tried to imagine what it had been like before the lake was drained and large swaths of forest were taken, but Nezumi’s story played over in his mind instead.  He saw the fiery massacre just as he imagined it the first time he heard Nezumi recount it.  He saw the blaze of flame throwers and heard the screams of people as they ran.  He felt sick at the thought of what had been done to them.

Since this was his first flight, he had never had any reason to go to the airport before.  Shion often wondered if Nezumi simply didn’t want to be near the site where he lost his family and barely escaped with his life.  No matter how much No.6 changed, it wouldn’t alter the fact that he lost everything there.

Nezumi’s people were gone.  No.6 was never Nezumi’s home and he would probably always see it as the enemy.  The West Block had probably just been a place to live.  Shion always thought they had shared a home together.  It felt like a real home to him, but he could just hear Nezumi telling him that was sentimental crap.  What did Nezumi have here, really?  One important person wasn't enough to stand up to the mental demons Nezumi surely associated with his people's destruction.

So Shion was left alone to contribute to the rebuilding of the city.

There had been, as Nezumi predicted, sporadic chaos and looting after the wall was destroyed, but most people just wanted to get on with their lives.  Shion was grateful that most of the citizens of No.6 had been spared in the destruction, but it hadn't been a seamless transition to peace and tranquility by any means.

Shion was active in reconstruction at the municipal level through his work on the Restructural Committee.  Since No.6 was better equipped than the West Block to reestablish normal operations, he insisted on outreach and relief aid as soon as possible to help them rebuild from the devastation; the very genocide that No.6 had leveled on them. 

It was a tall order to get them to trust any overtures coming from the city-state that had been waging a covert war on them for years.  Shion’s connections with Rikiga and Inukashi proved invaluable when they helped spread the word on the street that the rebuilding efforts were legitimate.

As people from the West Block and other regions started to travel, trade, and work freely, all the areas began to evolve more organically.  The people of No.6 were lucky that the city still had some strong core systems in place like transportation, water purification, and electrical plants, but there was still much to develop even after the work of four years.

These were the matters that concerned him as he traveled to No. 5 for a conference of city planners at the university.

When the government fell, all the other city-states invoked sanctions, halted trade, and demanded an investigation and an accounting of what happened.  Not only had No.6 committed genocide against people in the West Block and slaughtered its own citizens in the name of experimentation, it had broken the Babylon Treaty by maintaining an army.

Gradually a decision was made and terms were handed down.  Even though many civilian government workers had turned a blind eye to activities they knew were reprehensible, it was determined that officials in the No.6 government were the main perpetrators, and they would be tried by an international tribunal.  If the army and its weaponry were dismantled, the other cities would resume trade and would send a modest amount of humanitarian aid to help No.6 rebuild.  The city-state would also have to agree to periodic verification visits to make sure they were abiding by the terms.

Shion was humbled by the people who had argued for sending aid.  It wouldn't have surprised him if they had been sanctioned and cut off from trade, but somehow individual voices of compassion had won out in the international debate about how to interact with No.6.

He sighed and slipped his book into the bag by his feet.  He couldn't concentrate on the story anyway, so he pulled out some of the reading for the upcoming conference and tried to distract himself.

 

________________________________________________________________

Early spring rain spattered the red brick pavement as Shion hurried across the main square of the No.5 university campus.  He dodged through the chaotic flow of students hurrying to classes as he continued past the Gothic style administration building and straight up the wide stairs of the sleek modern conference center.

He paused in the lobby to shake the water out of his hair.  A low din echoed off the hard surfaces of the open atrium as attendees of all races and cultures rushed to find their first sessions.   It was the most diverse group of people Shion had ever seen in one place.

As his first day unfolded, Shion was encouraged by what he heard.  Representatives were discussing many of the same challenges and problems they were experiencing in No.6.  It made him feel like perhaps this new, messier and chaotic city that was emerging was on the right track and maybe more normal than he had thought.  Lots of the material he was gathering would be reassuring for other council members as well.

Between sessions everyone met for free-form conversation.  Many of the visitors were sharing creative, fresh ideas, but it surprised him how tired it was making him.  Even though he had never been particularly social when he was growing up he was still an open person and usually met new people with ease.  Recently he found himself feeling more isolated and less interested in interacting with people.  This all gradually started to develop after Nezumi left and had gotten worse over the years.

He had started to see everything in his life in terms of before and after.  Nezumi’s departure had created a rift in his mind and heart that widened with each passing day _._

Just as Shion was stuffing papers into his backpack at the end of the last session, a woman from the university came over to introduce herself.

“When I heard there was a delegate from No. 6 here I just had to see who it was.” She was probably in her forties and her manner seemed friendly and straightforward.

“I recognized your name from Safu’s stories about home.  She was one of my students.”

Hearing Safu’s name shocked him, but he wasn’t completely surprised.  He knew Safu had attended the university, he just hadn’t expected to run into anyone she had known.

“Oh, pleased to meet you.”  Shion shook her hand.

“We had no idea what was going on there.  We only knew that travel had become restrictive and there were some issues with censorship.  What we eventually learned was unthinkable.”

The topic blindsided him. 

“Safu was such a bright student.  Everyone who knew her was shocked when we heard.  After all these years, we still miss her.”

“Yes, it was a tragedy.” Shion replied stiffly, trying to remind himself that she meant well.

He awkwardly kept up a polite smile, even while his gut wrenched as she offered condolences and told him how fondly Safu used to talk about him.

“We learned she had died when her name showed up on the lists of casualties from No.6.  I’m so sorry,” she said.

_Shut up.  I can’t hear this right now._

Yes, her name had shown up on the lists with all the others, but he couldn’t possibly tell this woman the full extent of what had really happened to Safu.  It was too personal, too painful.

He had already produced an official statement for the residents of No.6 on the atrocities he witnessed.  It had been an agonizing experience to relive everything in such detail, but it had to be documented.  He remembered the whole time he was working on it, each time he began to describe the events his mind recoiled as if it had reached out and touched burning coals.

Shion disengaged himself from the conversation as soon as he could and left the building.

Exhaustion was setting in, all the triggers were lining up, and he felt himself spiraling into a familiar pattern.  His stomach flipped and a cool sweat bloomed across his skin. With fresh memories of death and devastation starting to play like a film in his mind, he dragged himself back to his hotel room and curled up on the bed.  He couldn’t possibly eat. He just lay there willing himself to regulate his breathing.  He was used to it.  All he could do was cope as best he could.

In his mind he was back in the Correctional Facility struggling to understand what had happened to Safu.  He was too paralyzed or frightened to make the connection.  Nezumi told him then, “If you have realized... don't avert your eyes from the truth. Averting your eyes and running away isn't going to solve anything. Nothing will change, and nothing will return to the way it was."

Maybe that’s what he was doing with Nezumi; holding on to something that was gone.  Averting his eyes and refusing to see the truth.

 _Nothing will change and nothing will return to the way it was._ The words looped in his mind along with all the sounds, smells and feelings of that moment.

He still didn't completely understand why Nezumi left.  He knew he was part of the reason, although he could never quite figure out why and it left him with a vague sense of inadequacy.  Why would Nezumi be afraid of him?

It had been almost four years and doubt was settling in his heart.  Maybe Shion was just a reminder of all the horror that No.6 represented in Nezumi’s life. 

Over the years there had been plenty of time to think about it.  He had combed through his memories, even the most painful ones, over and over for any clues he might find in Nezumi’s words that would help him understand.

In the Correctional Facility Safu asked Nezumi to destroy the Mother computer.  He agreed unhesitatingly and assured her, “I never break a promise made, no matter what it is.”  Shion clung to that statement.  He had to believe that Nezumi’s words of reunion were a promise.  It helped keep him sane as time continued to stretch away from that last kiss he relived daily. 

If he was lucky, he would get some sleep before daylight.  He was scheduled in the morning to give a restoration ecology report on land renovation efforts in the surrounding regions of No.6.  The very thought left him feeling drained.


	2. Chapter 2

The other representatives seemed enthusiastic about his presentation and he somehow found the energy to take all the questions that were posed and chat with people afterwards.  His stomach had settled enough to eat some lunch and the rest of the afternoon he spent in the few remaining sessions, taking notes and trying to commit as much to memory as possible.

Shion finally stepped out of the conference center at the end of the day and took a deep breath of fresh air.  The campus was emptying as people headed for dinner and other evening activities.  The sun was just going down and there was a deep chill in the air.  It was going to get much colder.

He had scheduled the following day to explore different areas of No.5 and get a sense of its layout.  This evening he thought he might spend his free time checking out the area around the university, but he wasn’t sure yet if he was up for it after such a sleepless night. The first thing to do was drop his backpack at the hotel, so he started walking across the campus.

Near the main entrance he spotted a kiosk he had passed without notice on his way to and from the conference center.  This time he allowed his eyes to linger on the brightly colored fliers, hoping for some interesting events to explore.

Suddenly, a gust of wind swirled across the square causing him to pull his jacket tightly around himself.   From the jumble of fluttering papers, several daffodil yellow leaflets drew his attention.  The word _Eve_ leapt off the page.  Shion gasped and ripped the flier off the board.

How many times had he thought he had seen Nezumi in a crowd, or thought some scrap of mail might have been from him, only to be disappointed?  Over time he had disciplined himself to not let this tendency cripple his ability to function, but it was always, always in the back of his mind.

He devoured the print off the page.  A three week run of a Shakespeare play.  There was a performance tonight in an hour.  The cast list included someone named Eve.  Simply Eve.  He had to go.  It was a neighborhood theater in the arts district near the university.  He quickly memorized the small map and started to run.

As he neared the theater he was out of breath.  His mind was in a whirl and he was running on adrenaline.  All he wanted was to find Nezumi, but if he was getting ready to go on stage Shion couldn't interrupt him now.  Who knew how Nezumi would react and it was common courtesy not to disturb anyone preparing for a performance.   No.  He’d wait.

The box office was open.  He bought a ticket and sat toward the back of the house and off to the side.  He didn't want Nezumi to spot him in the auditorium.

Shion scanned the program.  Eve was playing Viola in _Twelfth Night_ , the tale of a young lady of noble birth who is separated from her twin brother in a shipwreck and becomes stranded on the shore of a foreign land.  Needing to find employment, she conceives to cross-dress as a boy and takes the name Cesario in order to serve the local duke.  It’s her best chance of surviving until she can be reunited with her brother, but she unexpectedly falls in love with the duke.

The hall grew livelier as people arrived and started filling up the seats.  It was a grand old theater that had been well maintained.  A chandelier sparkled above and the seats were covered in fine blue velvet upholstery.  The heavy red curtain and the modern lighting system all spoke of a theater that was well loved and supported by its patrons.

It was nothing like the drafty ill-equipped theater in the West Block.  No.6 had the best facilities, but the arts were strictly controlled when Shion was growing up and he hadn’t been encouraged to pursue them at all.  Things were better now.  Schools could provide more opportunities to students for artistic expression and professions in the arts were encouraged.

The audience was mixed.  There were people of all ages and backgrounds, not like the mostly male audience that came to see Eve in the past.  Many of them had been regular fans with unhealthy fixations on the onyx-haired songstress.  Others were the usual rowdy drop-ins looking for a quick distraction from their hard life.  Eve could easily quiet them all with a song or a look.

When the curtain finally went up he was on edge with anticipation.  He tried to give himself up to the world of the play, but he was too anxious.

When Eve appeared as Viola, a willowy maid in a flowing dress that was tattered from her ordeal, Shion clutched his chest.  It hurt.  Nezumi’s hair was loose and swung freely when he walked and turned his head.  The lilting sound of his voice cut through to Shion’s very core. 

Shion could barely breathe. The memory of his voice, his eyes, and the words he left behind, had sustained him for so long.  It was really Nezumi.

Shion was relieved to see him safe and alive, but it wasn’t Eve he longed for, it was Nezumi.  He wanted to talk to him, to touch him.  The distance to the stage was excruciating.

Nezumi was still strikingly beautiful.  He was still slender and graceful as ever; a tad taller, but not much.  His voice was lyrical and flexible and he could still pitch it high or low across a surprising range.

Since the story required Viola to pass as a male youth, Nezumi played most of the part dressed in dashing male Renaissance garb.  Shion knew from his readings in Nezumi’s library that in Shakespeare’s time laws dictated that males played the female roles.  A part that called for a male to play a female, cross dressing as a male, was fairly common and added a layer of double entendre to the deceit.

In one scene, created by the director for maximum effect, Nezumi gracefully turned his back to the audience, removed his trim blue doublet and then slipped off his white muslin shirt to prepare for bed.  Shion gasped as he saw Eve’s chest and midriff wrapped around with fabric, firmly bound with the intention of flattening Viola’s breasts under her clothes. 

The tightly wound strips of white cotton also precisely covered the burn scar below Nezumi’s shoulder blades.  How carefully they must have been applied to hide that mark.  His smooth skin glowed under the colored lights.

Shion also knew there was a round scar with a surgical incision below Nezumi’s left shoulder, where a bullet pierced his body, and another scar that streaked, like a shooting star, across the fleshy part of that same shoulder from a bullet that grazed him.  He had treated both of them.  With makeup, no one would know – but he knew. 

He didn’t feel sorry for Nezumi, but the urge to help and protect him rose up intensely, just as it had that day he showed up in the storm. Shion wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand, ducking his head to avoid drawing attention. 

Without a word, Nezumi untied his raven hair, and with a gentle shake of his head, let it cascade across his bare shoulders.  The lights came down, ending the scene before Viola removed the binding. The illusion was complete, but Shion saw through it.  What he saw was Nezumi going about his work, carrying the burden of his scars, and moving forward as best he could.

Shion wasn’t insensitive to the seductive quality of Eve’s artifice.  He knew exactly who Nezumi was and exactly where the line was between him and his characters, but after four years he was still in awe of Nezumi’s talent for transformation.  At that moment he could not have been more love struck.

When the play was over he sat in his seat as the audience began filing out.  So many questions tumbled in his head. Why was Nezumi here?  Why hadn’t he received any letters?  He wasn’t sure what to do or how Nezumi would react to seeing him.

Finally Shion joined the line for the exit and made his way out to the sidewalk.  He easily found his way to the stage door from the layout of the building and found a small group of people waiting for cast members.  Not wanting to be part of the cluster at the door, he waited from across the street under a canopy of cherry trees in early bud.  He had no idea what he would say, but it didn’t matter.

It was dark and the temperature was dropping.  The wind was also picking up and low clouds had moved in.  If Shion could read the feel of the air correctly, it was going to start raining soon.  He blew on his fingers and put his hands in his coat pockets. 

Street lights illuminated a broad swath along the sidewalk, showing the activities outside the stage door in a mix of light and shadow.   After a short time, a few of the cast and crew emerged from the door, some leaving with friends and others chatting. 

Shion’s heart quickened when he spotted Nezumi coming through the door.  His hair was up.  The cut of his clothes was remarkably similar to what he usually wore in the past, but his pants were nicer and he was wearing shoes instead of boots. His jacket, though new, was black, short and fitted at the waist and he still had his gray super fiber shawl draped around his shoulders.

Nezumi deftly wove past the people at the door, nodding as he passed, but not allowing himself to be detained.  A few of the other cast members joined him and they turned to walk up the sidewalk. 

Shion stepped forward, just about to call Nezumi’s name, when one of the cast members rushed up to Nezumi and slipped her arm through his. 

“Oh…” Shion hesitated.  He hadn't even considered this. 

He knew nothing about Nezumi’s life now.  Who was he to walk in as if they had just parted yesterday?  Maybe Nezumi had settled down.  He said he was a wanderer, but he had a job here.  Maybe he wasn't alone.  In an odd way it both comforted Shion and also tore at his heart. 

He was so focused on Nezumi, he wasn't even aware of what was happening to himself until he suddenly realized his heart was racing and his feet felt like lead. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Nezumi was looking forward to the free dinner the theater owner was hosting for the cast party.  The group was decent company and he wouldn’t have to stay late.  They were right in the middle of the play’s run and he had been working morning ‘til night for days.  It was a welcome distraction. 

He was quickly putting the theater and his evening’s work behind him when he heard the creaking squeal of bicycle brakes followed by metal clattering across the pavement.   

Nezumi spun around to look.  Always hyper alert to his surroundings his entire body drew taut as he surveyed the scene.  Half a block away, he saw a young man sitting on the curb, with his knees bent up, rubbing his head. Another person, with an unmistakable mass of white hair, was lying on the pavement next to the downed bicycle.  His eyes narrowed.  Many a white shock of hair had turned his head in a crowd since he left No.6 but none shone like this, even in the half-light of a street lamp.

“Shion!” he cried, his voice straining with alarm.  He was already running.  His heart was pounding in his chest.

Shion was lying on his side.  He was so still it was hard to know where to start.  Nezumi knelt in front of him, quickly checking him over to assess the damage.  There was no blood, but Shion was breathing shallowly and he was obviously stunned.  He still hadn't opened his eyes.

_God, this is so like you. Show up out of nowhere and get into trouble right away._

He placed his hands on cold cheeks.  “Shion, can you hear me?  Shion!” 

Shion’s eyes were still closed and a soft moan escaped his lips.  The sound of his voice pierced right to Nezumi's core and stirred something deep within him, calling forth his instinctive protective streak toward Shion.

Nezumi squeezed his shoulders roughly.  “Shion, can you hear me?”

Bystanders were helping the bicyclist up and he was ranting in the background.  “It was his fault. The guy stepped off the curb and then just froze right there. I couldn’t stop.”

Nezumi tuned him out and focused all his attention on Shion.

_Ah, Shion, don't do this..._

Leaning close and resting his cheek against Shion’s, he whispered low in his ear and let his breath play over the soft pale skin. “Come on, Shion.  Open your eyes.  It’s me.”  He felt Shion convulse and gasp for air.  He pulled back.

Shion’s eyes flickered open, meeting and holding Nezumi’s gaze unfailingly as they always had, then he suddenly curled up and started coughing.  His body shook as he clung to Nezumi’s arm and gulped for air. 

Nezumi patted him on the back while he caught his breath.

“There you go… just take each breath as it comes…”

Finally Shion was able to draw in a deep breath.  As he exhaled evenly he looked up at Nezumi with wide eyes. He seemed to be settling down.

“I’m fine,” his voice was shaky.  “I just had the wind knocked out of me.” 

Relief washed over him at the sound of Shion’s voice.  He didn't care about the people standing around.  He took Shion in his arms and held him close, mostly to reassure himself.  He needed to feel his warmth and feel that he was breathing.  Memories came rushing back.  Memories with Shion he’d relived time and again these last four years, along with ones he’d forgotten he even had.

Shion’s voice seemed richer.  His body – he could feel it – he’d filled out a bit, but not much.  Still so slender.  He might have been an inch or two taller and his hair was longer.

 _I wasn’t there to see him grow_ … he thought.

“Nezumi?”  Shion’s teeth were chattering.  Nezumi could feel him starting to shiver through his coat.  He needed to get him out of the street.

Shion pulled away, dazedly shaking his head.  His fingers gripped Nezumi’s jacket sleeve, “Nezumi, it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was just crossing the street to talk to you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he brushed it off.  “Here, can you sit up?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

With some effort Shion sat up and took another deep breath.

They were on a side street with hardly any traffic.  One car drove by at a crawl, keeping its distance on the other side of the street.

“That was one hell of an entrance, Shion.  Is your head so high in the clouds that you forgot to look before you crossed the street?”

Shion glanced around getting his bearings, “No, I… I could have sworn the street was clear,” he still seemed slightly disoriented.

“Hey, do you know this guy?” The bicyclist spoke up.  He had been hanging back and watching from a short distance since he had been helped up.  He didn’t seem to be injured.  “If you can take care of him, I really need to go to work.”

Nezumi give him a glance, and then returned his eyes to Shion, “I’ve got him.  He’s mine.”

Shion stared into Nezumi’s gray eyes, his mouth slightly agape.

This time to Shion, the bicyclist asked, “Do you need anything from me?”

Shion looked up through his snowy bangs and shook his head in the negative.  “No, it was an accident.  Sorry you fell.  Thanks for stopping.”  And with that the bicyclist took off.

Shion returned his attention to Nezumi.  “After all this time, I wanted to walk up to you and look you level in the eye, not get helped up off the ground like this.”

“I’m afraid I’ve still got an inch or two on you.”  Nezumi said.  He couldn’t resist the tease, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“Shion, what are you doing here?”

“I wasn’t looking for you, if that’s what you think.  That is…” His eyes turned vague and distracted.  He swallowed and looked down.  “No, that’s not exactly true.” He inhaled a shaky breath.  It seemed as if he was reminded of something far away as his voice dropped so low Nezumi could hardly hear him, “At home, I’m always listening for your step.”

Nezumi winced.  He knew exactly what he meant and what it said about Shion’s life made his heart twist inside.  He let it pass without comment and placed his hand on Shion’s head letting it rest lightly before gently stroking his silky hair and then pulling it away. Shion sighed and leaned into Nezumi’s touch before it moved away.

Shion shook his head and seemed to regain some of his focus.  “Sorry… I mean to say, I didn’t come here looking for you. I’m here for a city planning conference at the university.”

“How did you find me?”

“I saw the flier for the play,” Shion answered simply.

“Lucky for me,” Nezumi grinned.  “I guess it really does pay to advertise.  I can’t say it’s the best thing I’ve ever been in, but it puts food on the table.”

“It was really good, Nezumi.”

“So you went?”

“Yeah!” Shion’s face lit with excitement.  He leaned forward, about to add something else, but then he pulled back and looked away. “Yeah, it was fine,” he said quietly.

Shion was holding back.  That wasn’t like him.  Nezumi remembered how eager Shion was to see him perform in the past and he had absolutely refused in the harshest terms.  It gave him an odd feeling to see the results of his own words play out in Shion’s behavior so many years later. 

At first he didn’t want Shion to see him on stage, but mostly he wanted to protect him from the seedy element at the theater.  He had never explained that to Shion.

He was aware that there were other ways he had left his mark on Shion and much worse things he had endured on his behalf. So many ways in which he’d goaded, teased, pushed and ridiculed Shion without explaining and he always thought it rolled off of him.  That’s what it seemed like at the time.  He usually seemed unfazed.  Sometimes it was just irresistible to tease him because he was so clueless, but most of the time Nezumi really was doing it to help him learn to survive in a harsh and dangerous environment.

He gently put his arm around Shion’s shoulders. "Do you think it’s broken?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Where did it hit?”

“My left calf.  It’s gonna be pretty bruised.”

Nezumi quickly placed his hands on either side of Shion’s lower leg and started gently pressing his fingertips along the length, checking for any signs of a broken bone.  He held Shion’s ankle and rotated his foot for range of motion.

“It feels pretty sound,” Nezumi observed, “and there’s no sign of misalignment.  Do you think you can stand?”

“I don’t know.  Let me try.”

Nezumi pulled Shion’s arm around his neck and, with one arm around Shion’s waist, helped him to his feet.  Shion put his foot on the ground, putting a little weight on it, and tested his leg.

“Yeah, I think so.” ~~~~

Shion was limping, so Nezumi picked up his bag for him and steered him to a nearby bench. The few remaining onlookers had dispersed.  As he helped Shion onto the bench, Nezumi realized that some of the cast was still watching from across the street.  The young woman who had taken his arm was among them.

“You guys go on without me,” he called.  They waved back and took off.

“But your friends…” Shion began, “…and, um, that young woman.  Don’t you need to go with them?”

“I work with them, Shion.  It’s just a cast party.  I'm not going anywhere,” Nezumi said.  “I'm staying with you.”

“Oh,” Shion said quietly. He perched on the edge of the bench and stretched his leg.

“I live pretty close by,” Nezumi said.  “It’s four blocks.  Do you think you can make it?”  He knew the young man by his side had been through much worse, but he still felt a need to help.

“Yeah, I can do it.  Let’s go.”

Nezumi was holding Shion tight and for the life of him he couldn’t let go.  It was slow going, but they made steady progress.  Shion still seemed a bit stunned so they walked as slowly as he needed and Nezumi supported him the whole way.


	4. Chapter 4

Suddenly Shion was alone with Nezumi and he didn’t know what to say.  His mouth was dry and he felt awkward and nervous.  If one day, out of the blue, Nezumi had crawled through his window at home, returning of his own volition, he felt sure he would have grabbed him and kissed him without thinking twice. Here, Shion wasn’t sure what was going on.  He did know he was thrilled just to be next to him and, for the moment, he didn’t care why or how.

He was bursting with things he wanted to say… about the play, about what he’d been doing with the city, questions about Nezumi’s travels and why he was in No.5, but he couldn’t find the words.

Finally, Nezumi spoke up instead.  “Did you know the arts district is the oldest historic area in the city?  Because it’s near the university a lot of students live here.”

“I was going to explore the city tomorrow,” Shion said, feeling a little less awkward.  “It’s my last day and the conference sessions are over.” ~~~~

“It’s so old there’s a wide mix of architectural styles," Nezumi continued. "The neighborhood is lively and colorful, but best of all, the rent is really low.” ~~~~

Everything had been new in No.6, but Shion was aware that some of the other cities had been able to effectively remodel and repurpose their older buildings. ~~~~

“Here we are,” Nezumi jerked his chin toward one of the brick apartment buildings from the early part of the last century.  It was nestled among long-standing town houses and other apartment buildings of granite or brick.  The street was narrow and closely lined with large trees and occasional lamp posts. ~~~~

“It’s on the second floor,” Nezumi said and hoisted Shion up at the waist one more time, giving him a little extra support as they climbed the stairs.

Nezumi opened the heavy wooden door to the apartment, helped his charge inside and switched on the overhead light.  They kicked off their shoes on the worn oak floor and then Shion paused, just by the door, to look around.

The room was small and sparsely furnished.  Cream colored walls and rich dark woodwork gave it a warm feeling.  Opposite the door, off-white blinds were partly drawn over two large windows that looked out at the tree tops along the street.  Aside from a small alcove to the right of the door that seemed to have the basics of a kitchen, and a door that probably went to a small bathroom, it was about the same size as the room they had shared. 

In fact, the essential pieces of furniture – a bed, sofa, and table – were in the same positions in relation to the door.  Basically it was the same layout.  There were no library shelves, but plenty of books stacked in small piles around the room. Maybe the furniture placement was a coincidence.  How many ways can you arrange things in a small room after all?  Still, it felt very purposeful to Shion.

They glanced at one another.

Nezumi shrugged.  “It’s comfortable.”

“Here, you can sit over here.” Nezumi helped Shion across the room and settled him on the edge of the bed.  It was a little larger than the one they had shared and had a soft brown woolen blanket.

Even though the room had electric lighting, Nezumi lit a well-used pillar candle on the nightstand next to the bed and walked across the room to turn off the overhead light.  “I’m going to turn up the heat and put some water on for tea.”

Shion rubbed his chilled hands together.  He shifted on the bed and suddenly heard a rustling sound by the pillows.

“Chirrup… Cheep cheep.”

A small pink nose emerged from between the sheets.

“Hamlet!” he cried as the mouse revealed himself.

Once the white mouse was satisfied that he recognized this new guest, he walked slowly, but directly into Shion’s outstretched hand, greeting him as a long lost friend. 

“Hello, old friend,” he lifted the mouse up to eye level so they could regard each other with ease.  “Are you having trouble getting around?”

Not to be left out, his pastry colored companion emerged from under the bed and scurried up Shion’s leg all the way to his shoulder.  “Cravat!”

“Yeah,” Nezumi said.  “The forest mice live an astonishingly long time, but they've gotten really old and have their limits.  They stay at home mostly.  I take them to the park for outings.”

Shion nodded, “Tsukiyo is the same way.”

“I’m glad to hear he’s still alive.”

“He eats too much, but that’s my mother’s fault.”

Hamlet unsteadily stood up on his hind legs cheeping excitedly.  Shion continued to coo at the mouse in his hand.  Cravat chattered next to his ear.”

“I know, I know.  I’ve missed you, too!” Shion answered.

“I don’t even get that kind of reception from them these days,” Nezumi said as he watched the tiny boisterous display of affection. “I read out loud to them from time to time,” he added.  “They still like it.”

Shion smiled at the thought and then gently placed Hamlet back on the pillow, giving him a gentle stroke on the head with his finger.  Cravat, seeming to have a bit more energy, followed him; scampering down Shion’s shoulder and diving under the pillow.

He looked around the room.  The candle light softly illuminated the space.  Nezumi was rustling in a cabinet for tea.  He had learned to pick up his things, but the room was still comfortably messy. 

There was an old tattered paperback of Twelfth Night lying open on the table with lots of underlining and notes in the margins.  A pen lay at an angle next to the slim volume.  Shion could envision Nezumi studying his part here.  The room felt peaceful and calm and it evoked a bittersweet nostalgia for him. 

He didn’t understand why someone who professed to be a wanderer was so thoroughly settled in another city.  Nezumi obviously had his own life here and Shion was no part of it.  He couldn’t bring himself to ask why.  It pierced his heart too deeply and he couldn’t allow the pain to get the upper hand.  He was more relieved to see that Nezumi was doing well. He would focus on that.  "I’m glad you've got a good place to live, Nezumi.”

“It comes with a job actually. I do maintenance and odd jobs for the owner so my rent is almost free. It's a convenient place to stay while I work at the theater,” Nezumi said as he shut the water off and started scooping loose tea into a pot. 

“The theater seems like a real step up.”

“It’s luxurious compared to what I was used to in the past, that's for sure.  I know the repertoire and there was an opening.  I was lucky.”  Nezumi paused.  “You know, Shion… I’m glad you got to see the play, really.  I used to give you a hard time about coming to my performances.  It was a rough crowd.  I didn’t think it was safe for you.”

“It’s okay.  That was then.”  He looked up at Nezumi warmly and suddenly wanted to tell him all the things that had raced through his mind while watching the play, how relieved he was to see him alive, how glad he was to see him performing and how it had pained him to think about his wounds and scars, but he knew he couldn’t put it into words right now.  He would try to tell him anyway, at least part of it.  “The role suited you, Nezumi.  You transformed yourself handsomely.  It was really moving.”

“Well, that’s Shakespeare, but…” the young actor put one foot forward and bowed low from the waist with an elegant sweep of his arm,  “if Your Majesty was moved, then I am happy.”

“Nezumi…” he scoffed.  Yet he was pleased that Nezumi was willing to crack the door open a little further on that part of his life.

There was an oddly dreamlike quality to their conversation.  They fell into talking easily as if they had only been separated for weeks.  It wasn’t weeks, though.  It was years, and Shion felt the weight of every one bear down on him.

“So, are you getting anything useful out of the conference?” Nezumi asked.

Shion found it difficult to change gears.  He wasn’t thinking about work.

“Yeah.  We’ve been working on land reclamation in the regions around the city, trying to expand the restoration and reforestation as far afield as possible instead of centralizing everything in the city.

Nezumi quirked his lips softly in thought.  “I’m glad, Shion.  I’m glad you’ve been involved in it.  I’m sure things are better because you’re there.”

“I’m just a part of it, Nezumi…”

“Take credit where it’s due.  I know you’ve been working hard - you wouldn't do it any other way - and it sounds like it’s going in the right direction.”

“Well, yeah, I guess you’re right,” Shion nodded in acceptance.

“The area we come from is fortunate,” Nezumi continued, “because the land is strong.  No.5 still struggles with developing adequate farmland, but the city… just look at it.  There are great old structures everywhere that have been well cared for and there’s a vibrant diverse culture.  They didn’t try to destroy every bit of history in the area to build some utopia in a vacuum.  You know Rose Town could have been something like this on a smaller scale if it hadn’t had the life strangled out of it.”

For some reason he didn’t fully understand, Shion flinched at the words.  He knew there was no way Nezumi was blaming him, but he still felt a connection, nonetheless.  He couldn’t think of anything to say in response and looked down.

“Not your fault, Shion,” Nezumi said firmly. “Don’t go there.”

Shion nodded.  Nezumi anticipated his line of thinking as if they had, indeed, just talked yesterday.

Once Nezumi put the kettle on the single burner, and set out cups for tea, he walked softly across the room and sat on the bed close to Shion.

“Are you warm enough?  Should I pull the blanket off the bed for you?”

“No, I’m fine.” 

Nezumi nodded and his eyes were drawn intently to the steady burning candle flame.  He stared silently.  Shion could hear the rain beginning to pelt against the window panes outside.  Moments passed until Shion started to grow concerned.

“Nezumi?”

He turned from the flame to face him and paused.  “Shion," his grey eyes were intense and glittered in the indirect light, “there’s something I need to tell you right up front.” His tone was solemn. 

Shion tensed.  Fearing what was to come, words started to tumble out before he could think.

“No, it’s okay, Nezumi.  I understand.  You have a life here.  I didn’t mean to intrude.  I just happened to be here and I…  I just wanted to see you so badly.”  His voice cracked and he looked away.  He couldn’t meet Nezumi’s eyes and didn’t want to hear what was going to be said out loud.

“Shion, no!  Listen to me.”  Nezumi had to touch Shion’s cheek with his fingertips and coax him to turn his head back until their eyes met. “Geez, you’re always so…  It’s _time_.  I think it’s time for me to come back.  This winter I decided I could make my way back in the spring and I’ve been making plans.”

“Wh… what?” Shion’s heart leapt.  He wanted to rejoice, but that impulse felt broken.  He couldn’t process what he was hearing.

“I walked for three years across open wastelands, exploring the countryside and settlements that have grown up near rivers and lakes. There are fish and animals and so many plants coming back. The land has a long way to go, but there’s more life than we imagined, Shion.” Nezumi’s eyes sparkled with excitement.

“When I reached the coast I was able to pick up a job on a cargo ship.  That’s how I got to No.5 in the first place.”

_That’s where you’ve been all this time…_

“Once I was here everything was so different.  The people are different and there were opportunities for work, too.  Don’t get me wrong.  Folks here are on the take as much as anywhere else I’ve been, but the stakes are different.  Daily life isn’t a life-and-death struggle just to survive. 

“No.5 is no utopia.  There is crime and things don’t always work or run on time, but there is enough of a cohesive working society that people are able to live, work and go about their lives dealing with the good and bad of life as they encounter it.  There are haves and have-nots, but it isn’t parasitic.  One section of society isn't sucking the other dry to satisfy all its wants.

“After a while I realized I could earn enough money to fly back in the spring.  I’ve been living on next to nothing, working three jobs and any extra performances I can get to make enough for air fare.  It’s a small fortune, but it seemed the fastest way available.  You know, flying is not something most people can do for recreation.”

“Nezumi, you’re working so hard…”  Shion was still wondering if he could dare believe what he was hearing,”…just to come back faster?” 

“I can’t walk back from here.  Between ocean travel and walking from the coast it would take another year.  I don’t want to wait that long.” 

Shion couldn’t understand why it was so hard for him to just accept it.  It was exactly what he wanted to hear, what he’d been longing to hear, but questions kept hammering in his head and his impulses were jumbled.  He wanted to laugh, cry, grab Nezumi and kiss him all at the same time; but instead he found himself blurting out his long pent up frustration.

“If you knew, why didn’t you tell me?” his voice sounded strident even to himself. 

“Whoa… Shion.”  Nezumi’s eyes widened in surprise.  “I thought you’d be glad.”

“I am, but…” Shion gripped Nezumi’s arm, “You could have sent word!”

“Where do you think I’ve been?” Nezumi asked in amazement.  “For months on end I was in regions that were so remote they could only be reached on foot.  Places where I was lucky to find fresh water, much less postal service or any kind of communication network!”

Shion’s hand dropped from Nezumi’s arm.  He sighed resignedly. “Of course, you’re right.”

“I…” Nezumi stared at Shion then shook his head with a look of defeat he only wore when Shion had gotten to him in spite of his better judgment. “Look, I understand that any reason I give you probably won’t seem good enough for you.”

Shion blinked.  “I just wanted to know what happened to you.”

“It wasn’t until I got to No.5 that contacting you would have been practical.  Then it seemed like too much time had passed.  I figured my best option was to show up in person and see what happened,” Nezumi said, the irony ringing in his voice.  “You really shot that plan to hell today.”

“Yeah… I guess I did,” Shion nodded.  He was still processing all he had heard.  He knew it hadn’t been easy for Nezumi either.  “I confess I started to think I’d never see you again so I’m surprised.  Out of all the places in the world, I find you here and you’re coming back.  It’s almost too much.”

“I’m astonished, myself, but tell me, is it a good or bad surprise?”  Nezumi asked.

“What do you think?”

“I can’t tell for sure. It doesn’t seem fair after all this time for me to take you for granted either.  After all, perhaps you’ve built a new life of your own.  Maybe there’s no place for me.”

His voice sounded completely serious, but his slate grey eyes seemed to give something away.  Nezumi already knew.  Of course he knew.  That was their unspoken truth.

“A new city yes, but not a new life,” he spoke quietly.  “My real life is with you, Nezumi.  You know that.”

“What a line. What have you been reading?” Nezumi asked with a light laugh.

“Can’t help it.  It’s how I’ve always felt.”

“Yeah, I know.”  Nezumi lightly stroked the scar on Shion’s cheek with his thumb.  His eyes softened with affection.

Drawn to the tenderness of his touch, Shion gave in to his natural impulse and leaned close, caressing Nezumi’s lips with a kiss that, even in its gentleness, betrayed a hunger and longing so strong it pulled Nezumi forward as he drew away. 

Shion searched the depth of his stormy eyes for a response.

“Oh, Shion,” Nezumi’s voice quavered slightly, “you’re playing with fire.”

“I’m not playing and I won’t get burned,” Shion said without wavering.

“You still haven’t kissed anyone else yet, have you?”

“No, and I didn’t want to.  You’re the only one who has ever interested me.”

“Shion, how could you be so clueless; so single minded,” he chided.  “Twenty and you still haven’t been laid.”

“I’ve been waiting for you.  That’s my choice.  It’s been far too long and I’m not a child.”  On this point he would not be swayed.  It was one thing he was absolutely clear about.  “I want you, Nezumi.”

Nezumi exhaled and shook his head.  “Then I won’t make you wait any longer.”  He clasped the front of Shion’s shirt and pulled him forward, placing his mouth over his lips, gently probing with his tongue at first, and then pressing deeper as Shion opened to him.

Shion moaned deep in is throat as his tongue curled to meet Nezumi’s movements.  Shion slid his arms around Nezumi’s back and pulled him close, seeking his warmth.  He remembered everything about their last kiss.  This was the same yet intensely different and he wanted to explore all the ways in which it could be different.  He wondered if he could ever get close enough.

Then, just as they both tightened their embrace, he felt it.  Nezumi’s heart thumped against his chest.  It was beating out a steady rhythm, vital and present; tactile proof that Nezumi was alive and well.  The very thing he had been craving for so long.

It triggered something deep inside him and threw light on the empty void that he had continually tried to deny.  The desolation he had pushed down every day, just so he could survive, suddenly engulfed him.  When he saw the depth of the pain he had been carrying in his heart it was more than he could bear.

A keening, strangled sob welled up in Shion’s throat.  Any remaining pretense of a calm façade crumbled into rubble.  All the emptiness and longing he’d felt, day after day, surged forth and threatened to choke him.

He had to pull away, fighting to catch his breath.  Putting his hand to his throat he gasped while tears welled up in his eyes and spilled onto his cheeks.

Nezumi sighed and rubbed his back.  “It’s okay, Shion,” his brow drawn close in concern.  “We can take our time.”

A vise clamped around Shion’s lungs. His breaths were coming in quick shallow gasps and he felt like he couldn't get enough oxygen. 

“Put your head down.”  Nezumi ran his fingers through Shion’s hair.  Cradling the back of his head gently, he coaxed him forward until he bent over at the waist.

"Shhh… Breathe slowly.  Just listen to my voice.” 

Nezumi began to hum a soothing lyrical melody for Shion.  The rich timbre of his voice gradually began to dispel the cloud of anguish that was enveloping him. 

He wrapped himself in the calming melody, letting it drive everything else away.

Countless times, every day and night, he had longed for this.  Just to hear Nezumi’s voice and feel him near.  For years, Shion’s reality had been a raw constant need that left him empty and incomplete.  So incomplete he wondered if he’d ever be whole again.

Nezumi’s voice grew softer and eventually grew silent.  He rubbed Shion’s back softly, in slow circles, with a tenderness that surprised Shion.  Not because Shion hadn't seen this side of Nezumi before, but because he offered it so openly without hesitation.  No wariness, no holding back.

“Shion…" Nezumi stroked his hair gently.   He kept punctuating his speech with Shion's name, like he couldn’t say it enough, each time as if it were a caress.  Intentionally calling out to him; grounding him.

Nezumi’s fingers in his hair soothed him.  Shion began to breathe more slowly, taking in more oxygen until he was finally able to take in a deep cleansing breath and let it out slowly. 

“Good,” Nezumi said.  “Just…” he jumped up and crossed the room, “Just let me get the tea.  You look like you can use it.”

He returned with two cups, and pressed one into Shion’s hand.

“I put a little sugar in it.  You probably need it.” 

Shion nodded.  No doubt his blood sugar had plummeted.

“It’s not much, but try eating these crackers.  You should have something.”  He handed a small stack to Shion.  “I have some bread and cheese, or apples if you want.”

“No… thanks. This is fine,” 

Shion was feeling calmer and was grateful for the hot liquid. He sipped it carefully between soft hitches in his breath as his breathing continued to settle into an even rhythm. He slowly nibbled the crackers with his tea and then tossed the last one on the floor.

At the sound of something hitting the floor, Hamlet and Cravat popped out from under the pillow and scurried for their quarry.

Though Shion hadn’t eaten since lunch he just wasn’t hungry.

Nezumi was sitting close and leaned easily against him.  “Feeling better?”

“Yeah.  Thanks.” Shion said, feeling defeated and embarrassed.  As much as Shion wanted to meet Nezumi as an equal, for some reason his emotions couldn’t move that fast. 

It felt overwhelming and disorienting to find Nezumi so unexpectedly.  He felt so out of context, and now to be sitting in his room...  He stared down at the cup in his hands.  He was frustrated with his inability to adapt.  He thought he was more flexible than that.

“I didn’t sleep much last night,” he offered in explanation.

Nezumi turned to make eye contact and suddenly his tone was all business.  “So, how long have you been like this, Shion?”

“Like what?” 

“Trouble breathing under stress.  Flashbacks?  Maybe panic attacks?”

Shion blanched.  It was like he was reading his mind.  “I’m doing fine,” he said flatly.

“Don’t lie to me, Shion.  You’re not doing fine.  You’re a wreck.”

“And how would you know when you haven’t been around?” he snapped, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.  He didn’t want to be doing this.  Not now.

“True,” Nezumi said calmly, “I haven’t been.”  He lifted his cup to his lips and swallowed some tea.  Narrowing his eyes, he sized up Shion carefully. “But I can still see how you are now and it’s not good.”

Shion knew it wasn't Nezumi’s fault.  Sometimes he did have anxiety and flashbacks, but the memories he relived were linked to the horrors he saw in the Correction Facility.  Nezumi almost died there, so it was difficult to separate him from the rest of it. 

Yes, he missed Nezumi.  How many times had he fantasized that if only Nezumi were with him somehow the nightmares would stop?  No, he knew deep inside that even with Nezumi’s support he would always have some degree of hell to deal with on his own.  That would be his burden to bear.

Nezumi reached out to twist a stray lock of white hair around his finger and gently tucked it behind Shion’s ear.  “I’m not trying to criticize you.  I’m telling you what I see.  You know I could be much harsher than this in the past, but I still won’t hesitate to tell you what I see.”

Shion struggled with how to explain.  Did he even want to explain?  Shion had lived with his own desolation for so long it was hard to process this sudden change in reality.

So many days he had wondered about Nezumi.  Was he safe?  Was he lonely?  He often wondered if he were alive.  Who could be sure?  The world was not a safe place in most regions, especially in the vast expanses between the city-states.

“Shion, I’m not going to back you into a corner.  You don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”

No.  He wanted to do this.  Shion straightened his back, took a breath, and turned to look Nezumi straight in the eye.

“Okay, I won’t lie to you.  Yes, when I’m under stress unexpected things can trigger anxiety or sometimes even flashbacks.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the kinds of things I see.  You saw them, too.  I take medication and I did a course of visits with a therapist who specializes in trauma victims.  I’ve read everything I can on it, and that wasn't easy considering how the government had censored the mental health literature, both what we published at home and what came in from the other city-states.  Everyone was supposed to be happy, remember?

“Thankfully there were some medical doctors and psychologists who never fully accepted the tranquilizing face of No.6.  There were doctors who understood the real human suffering underneath the façade; people like the doctor from the resistance who operated on you.”

Nezumi nodded gravely.

“Anyway, treatment helped some and it was a damn sight better than doing nothing.  Usually these days I can function without it intruding too much, but this trip set off a lot of things for me.  In addition to that, Nezumi—and this is difficult to say—I've more than missed you these four years.  I’ve grieved for you.”

Shion couldn't believe he was doing this.  He didn’t want to push Nezumi away with his words, but once asked, he couldn't help himself.

Nezumi continued to study Shion keenly.  His grey eyes were questioning yet patient.  “I understand a lot about flashbacks, Shion.  More than I like to say.”

Shion felt a sudden twinge of guilt and he rushed to correct himself.  “I’m sorry.  I know what you dealt with at such an early age.  I didn't mean…”

“That doesn't matter,” Nezumi cut in.  “I’m trying to tell you I can empathize with what you’re talking about.  It doesn't diminish what you've experienced.  Do you understand?”

Shion nodded and let him speak. 

“As for grieving for me, is it possible you’re being a just little melodramatic in your choice of words?  That term has a very specific meaning.”

“Maybe,” Shion continued, “I can only say how I've felt.  I’m only just now starting to realize the extent of it.  I was entrusted to help with this enormous rebuilding effort that will take years and then you were gone; the only person who really understood what happened.  So, I continued to work and tried to remain cheerful for my mother and those who remained—and for you, too.  I wanted to do something that would be worthwhile in your eyes as well as my own, but there was always this emptiness inside me.  An emptiness that you left.”

Nezumi exhaled as if punched in the gut.  “Shion, I just couldn't stay then.  Even now I’m not sure I can explain all my reasons to you.  You may never understand and you may never forgive me.  I guess I wouldn't blame you.  I was a mess.  We had just been through the same hell together.  I had lived with my hate for No.6 so long it was consuming me.  Even after seeing the object of my revenge destroyed it wasn't going to end overnight.  It still hasn't ended.  I had to get away and I would do it again.

“And as for you,” Nezumi continued, “it wasn't easy to walk away.  If I had stayed though, I couldn't have been what you needed then—I couldn't be what I needed.  I couldn't do it, Shion, not even for you.”

Shion knew he was telling the truth.  He counted on that from Nezumi above all else.

“I don’t blame you for leaving, Nezumi.  I understood you had to go.  No matter what the reason I really understood it was important to you, but I missed you.  God I missed you so much it hurt.  It was an open wound I could never close on my own.  I know I said I’d wait as long as I had to, but after two, three, four years passed with no word, Nezumi— _no word_ —I had to admit I was starting to lose hope.  Not knowing was the hardest part.  Not knowing whether you were alive or…”

Nezumi reached out and laid two fingers gently on Shion’s lips.  He looked at him imploringly.

“Okay, okay.  I get it.  You’ll have lots of time to tell me everything and I’ll listen to it all, I promise.  Apologizing won’t change things, but I _am_ sorry you had to bear this alone.  For now can it be enough that we’re here together, right now?  It’s an unexpected gift that has fallen into our laps.”

Nezumi took Shion’s hand and placed it over his heart.  “I’m here and I’m alive.  And you are, too.  Please don’t feel overwhelmed.  It’s okay.  I’m right here.”

Shion closed his eyes and let the rhythm wash over him.

“Nezumi?”  His voice was tremulous and questioning.  He felt like his own heart would burst from the powerful tangle of emotions he was feeling.  “I don’t want to cry.  I’ve worked so hard to be strong.  I _am_ strong, but sometimes…  I just…  You wanted me to stay the same, but I couldn’t help changing, Nezumi.  I’m not the boy you left behind.  I do the best I can, but I’m not the same…”

Nezumi tucked his finger under Shion’s chin and tilted his face up until their eyes met.  “I know.  Shion, I was just a boy, too.   I’m not the same either.  We’ve both grown.  We went through hell together, but we survived and it changed us.

“I know there was a time when I told you I didn’t believe you loved me, that you were just fascinated with something different.  I also thought I couldn’t trust you.  I think you know that has changed.  It took a long time for me, but I understand.  After all we’ve been through together, I’d be blind to doubt you any more.

His voice dropped to a half whisper, as if he were sharing a particularly precious secret.  “Here’s something else I’ve learned since I last saw you.  I think trying to resist honest tears is overrated.  Sometimes crying’s not such a bad thing.”

Shion sniffed and smiled as tears streaked his cheeks. 

“I told you before, we’re not the same as one another and we don’t have to be,” he continued. “I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.  Shion, I’ve spent my life believing that being alone is the only way to survive and I truly believe it’s why I survived in the environment I grew up in.  I’ll probably never change completely, but I’ve learned it’s no way to live.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

Carefully, with a sure touch, Nezumi twined his fingers into the thick white hair at the nape of his neck. 

Shion closed his eyes and yielded to the soothing touch.  “All the times I imagined seeing you again I never thought I’d berate you.  I just never expected it would hit me so hard.”

 “Yeah, life can do that to you,” Nezumi said.  He leaned over Shion, skating kisses across his tears.  “This alright?  I don’t want to make you lose it again.”

 “It’s fine.”  Shion was starting to find his bearings.  Maybe it wasn’t too late.  Maybe he could move forward and not always be consumed with regret.

“Okay.  Then let’s get ready for bed.  You’re obviously not going anywhere on that leg tonight and I wouldn’t let you anyway.”

Shion disentangled himself and stood up, testing his weight on his leg again.  “It’s much better actually.  Let me wash up and get undressed.”

“You can take a shower if you want.  I showered at the theater.”

Shion nodded and padded off to the bathroom.  Nezumi busied himself turning the covers down to the foot of the bed and shedding his clothes. 

Not long after, the bathroom door opened and Shion came out with a towel wrapped around his waist.  Steam rose off his skin and his eyes locked on to Nezumi’s.

Nezumi had stripped down to his boxers and he was just reaching up to loosen his hair.  As it spilled around his face he shook his head.  The candlelight graced his long limbs.

This felt right.  This was home.  It wasn’t important where they were.  It was the easy familiar intimacy with Nezumi that calmed his heart and put him at ease.

While living together they had seen each other in various degrees of nakedness so many times it had become commonplace, yet now there was an implicit invitation to look, to touch.  A delicious sense of expectation hung in the air and he felt safe.

All the small things he had learned to appreciate as the essence of life—the refreshing taste of water when he was thirsty, the simple touch of Nezumi’s fingers as they brushed through his hair, the changing colors of the sky above their home—it all rushed back.  Nezumi was his wellspring and he was finally free to drink from the source.

In three quick strides Shion was in Nezumi’s arms.  Instead of tears, all the longing of four years was channeled into the way his lips pressed against Nezumi’s collar bone and his arms curled around his waist.  He pushed his hips forward and he felt the pressure of Nezumi pressing back.  He could feel them both reacting through the fabric between them.

“You smell heavenly.”  Nezumi breathed into Shion’s warm moist shoulder.

“It’s the soap.”

“No sense of romance…” Nezumi admonished.  “Come on.  Let’s go to bed.”

Nezumi leaned over and blew out the candle as he pulled Shion toward the bed.

The first thing Shion noticed as he lay back on the farthest pillow was Nezumi’s scent in the linens.  It smelled like their bed in the West Block.  If called upon, Shion could have outlined all the scientific reasons why humans associate smell with memory and emotion, but right now he just reveled in the sense of calm it brought him.

In the darkness, with Nezumi next to him, Shion felt certain he was exactly where he belonged.  His chest rose and fell easily with each breath.  He stretched his legs and arched up as Nezumi rubbed his palm in slow gentle circles on his stomach and then reached to pull the towel loose.

“Lift up,” Nezumi whispered.  Shion complied and Nezumi dragged the towel from underneath of him and tossed it on the floor.

Hooking his fingers in the elastic at Nezumi’s waist he pulled down with a sharp tug. “Not without these, too,” Shion countered.

“My prince is impatient.”  Nezumi quickly kicked off his last scrap of clothing.

“I should be after all this time.” Shion stared as Nezumi’s cock bounced free, his skin glowing in the faint light from the window.  On impulse he leaned down and rubbed his cheek against the hardening length.  He could hear Nezumi’s sharp intake of breath hissing through clenched teeth.

“Shion…”  Nezumi grabbed his shoulders.  “Not so fast!”

“I know, just give me a minute.”  He’d dreamed of this moment so many times he feared Nezumi would disappear if he didn’t act now.  Shion placed warm, deliberate kisses along the underside and then took the head fully into his mouth.  Nezumi slid his fingers into Shion’s hair as a deep, aching moan rose up from inside him. 

It astounded Shion to realize he could provoke such a sound.  He wondered if Nezumi even understood what his voice revealed.  In one moment he heard everything.  Nezumi, in his own way, had missed Shion just as deeply as Shion had missed him and, more importantly, wanted him just as much.

Shion looked up and saw gray eyes staring intently; dark and swirling in the half light.  Shion grabbed his arms and rolled onto his back, pulling Nezumi on top of him, skin to skin, for the first time.  He released a sharp gasp as Nezumi’s erection slid against his, hot and smooth and damp from his mouth.  The sensation surpassed his most vivid fantasies and was nothing like the feel of his own hand. So much heat pooling between them, sweet and burning.

He bucked up against Nezumi’s weight, rocking against the taut stomach, trapping their cocks together and chasing the friction against the side of Nezumi’s length.

Nezumi’s breath hitched at the touch and he tipped his pelvis forward in reply, pressing against Shion and rolling his hips in a maddeningly fluid motion that elicited more stuttering soft gasps.  Shion could tell Nezumi was working to match him stroke for stroke and it was so good he just wanted to stay like this forever.  Yet... he wasn’t sure how far he could take it.

“This enough, Shion?”  Nezumi was barely taking the time to form a whole sentence.

“I don’t know.”  He eagerly grasped the back of Nezumi’s neck and drew him to his lips.

Shion wanted to reciprocate, but he didn’t know what else to do and felt sure his movements would be judged clumsy when compared with others.  He didn’t want to think about that right now; he just wanted to feel.  Still exploring the depths of Nezumi’s mouth, he couldn’t restrain a frustrated groan as he thrust forward.

“What?” Nezumi paused, holding back with visible effort.  “Tell me what you need.”

“I want you so badly.  I know I don’t have any experience, but I’m not an idiot,” Shion answered.  His face burned, but he was going to get this out.  “I know as much about human sexual response as the next person, maybe more… but I haven’t been _touched_ by anyone.  I just need more pressure… your hand, or something,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “please…”

“Fuck,” Nezumi barely breathed the word.  “Just when I thought you were about to go all analytical on me, you say something like that.”

He shifted smoothly onto his knees and straddled Shion’s hips, gazing into burgundy eyes and caressing the meandering red ribbon that wound across the pale expanse of skin before him.

Shion stared at the dark beauty above him remembering the first time he was pinned to a bed in a similar manner.  He smiled faintly at the memory from so long ago, his heart fluttering wildly at Nezumi’s touch.  Shion hadn’t realized it at the time, but he had loved him since the beginning.

Nezumi leaned over, kissing a trail up his neck and teasing his tongue around the edge of Shion’s ear until his breathing was ragged.

“That’s got you back on track.”  Nezumi said as he reached into the drawer by the table and drew out a tube.  He looked at Shion’s questioning eyes.

“I keep this for myself.  I’m not sleeping with anyone else.”

Shion nodded as he watched him squeeze the slippery liquid into his palm.  He touched Nezumi’s wrist.  “Do you want to take me?”  He was tired, and his nerves had been shredded, but at the moment, Shion didn’t really care what they did as long as it was with Nezumi.

“God, don’t tempt me.  It takes time to get used to that and I’m not going to hurt you because we couldn't wait a little.  You've had a rough day,” Nezumi sighed and kissed him quickly. “We’ll keep it simple for now.”

Shion nodded and then his mouth clamped shut with an inhaled gasp when Nezumi took his cock in his hand and stroked up firmly with a slight tug. His back arched off the bed and his head rocked back into the pillow.  This was it.  He could follow this to the end, but he wanted one more thing.

He reached between them and stilled the hand that was gripping him.  “Together,” he said hoarsely.  He cradled their erections together and wrapped Nezumi’s graceful fingers around them both.

“Oh, you’re going to be much better at this than you think, Shion…”

Nezumi leaned forward, resting his weight on the bed with one hand while maintaining firm even strokes with the other.  His head hung forward and thick black tresses brushed across Shion’s flushed cheeks below him.

Shion gathered the wayward locks in his hand, tucking them behind Nezumi’s ear, and pulled him down for a kiss.  Nezumi’s lips were swollen and warm and he sought Shion’s tongue with his own.

Pulling away, Nezumi leaned back, sitting on Shion’s thighs and working to set a rhythm with his hand.  They rocked their hips together just enough to move as one within Nezumi’s grasp.  Shion reached out to clasp Nezumi’s free hand in his own and was greeted with a firm squeeze in answer.

It was difficult for Shion to take his eyes off Nezumi.  Shion didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on Nezumi’s beauty per se, but he had always been aware of it.  Even in the dim light he was stunning.  His head was tilted back causing his dark hair to swing behind his shoulders.  Lips parted, eyes closed—he wore a deeply focused expression of concentration that caused his brow to knit slightly.

Nezumi was a maze he had been struggling to solve since they first met.  He didn’t think he would ever reach the center, but being this close and seeing him so unguarded, he thought, perhaps, he could glimpse the goal he had sought for so long.

Nezumi's eyes opened to meet Shion's.  They were half-lidded and glassy.  “That’s it, Shion. Almost there.”

Shion’s breath was coming in quick, irregular pants and his muscles were so taut he was starting to shake with need.

_Nezumi…_

This was the touch he had so deeply longed for.  He could feel himself starting to unravel.

 _It’s okay to let go now_.

He cried out as a shuddering spasm gripped him and he spilled over Nezumi’s hand.

Nezumi tipped his head back farther, clenching the muscles in his thighs, and followed.  “Shion,” he breathed, almost inaudibly, as he found his release.  Shion wrapped his hand around Nezumi’s as they drew out the last fleeting sensations.

Nezumi leaned forward and collapsed loosely on top of Shion.  He nuzzled the side of his neck, humming in a way that Shion could only describe as contented. “I don’t believe in fate,” he said “but somehow you found me at the right time.”

“I guess it’s another miracle,” Shion said, wrapping his arms around his back and lightly brushing the edge of Nezumi’s scar.

“You’re the miracle, Shion.  To me, you always have been.”

Nezumi reached over the edge of the bed for the towel and wiped them dry.  He then slid behind Shion and circled his arm around his waist, holding him close.

Shion was exhausted, emotionally and physically, but he couldn't have felt more fulfilled and at peace.  As he drifted off, rain coursed across the window panes, eventually settling into a gentle patter that lulled him to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Nezumi lay awake, tucked close to Shion who was finally sleeping soundly; maybe the first decent sleep he’d had in some time.  The rain had passed and they were wrapped in stillness.  The street was quiet and Nezumi concentrated on the peaceful sound of Shion’s breathing.

He smoothed the silky white hair and thought about how he used to reach freely for it when they lived together.  He had missed the feel of it under his fingertips.  It was an urge he had to wean himself from after he left.

The silver strands absorbed soft moonlight from the window and reflected its pale glow.  When they lived underground, Nezumi only had the luxury of seeing Shion’s hair in the moonlight when they went for walks on cold clear nights.  Lantern light was warm and golden, and he loved the way Shion looked in that light, but moonlight was cool and blue, and brought about an ethereal transformation that stole his breath away.

Nezumi thought back on their love making and shivered.  When Shion’s back arched off the bed, his head rocked back on the pillow exposing his white throat and the fine line of his Adam’s apple.

How open and vulnerable he looked.  No one bares their throat to another person, even someone as open as Shion, unless they completely trust them.  Nezumi cringed inwardly at the memory of holding a knife to that beautiful neck and actually pricking the skin.  He had been so fucked up at the time and really knew no other way to be.

Driven by blind obsession for vengeance, and drawing on fighting reflexes so well-honed he reacted on animal instinct, he could have killed Shion.  Something had stayed his hand, but the possibility made his stomach twist.

Nezumi leaned forward and gently kissed the very spot on Shion’s neck, causing him to stir in his sleep.

Shion was not the same; that much was obvious.  Nezumi had to admit that what he had feared most had come to pass.  Well, what did he expect?  He wasn’t the same either.  They had both been through a hellish experience together.

Shion had been deeply transformed.  How could he not be?  Nezumi was sure – he hoped – that the essential core of Shion’s kind and gentle heart was intact.  Four years ago, even though he knew better, he still hoped that Shion could somehow come through it all and not be scathed.  For all his worldliness, Nezumi realized he had his own naïve expectations at sixteen years old.

By losing Nezumi, Shion lost the only other person who could possibly understand what he had been through – what they had both been through.  There was no one there who really understood or could help him work through what had happened to him.  Nezumi thought about that many times since he had left, but he coped with his own loss alone.  It was the only way he knew.  It hadn’t occurred to him that he could have made a difference for Shion at the time.

_I couldn’t take on that kind of burden then!  You needed too much from me.  I couldn’t be everything to you.  I would have had nothing left for myself._

He leaned his forehead against the back of Shion’s head nuzzling his soft hair.  In spite of everything Shion had _waited_ for him and was still a virgin after all these years.  Amazing.  In all this time, he hadn’t succumbed to anyone.  Nezumi knew it was because of him, but he resisted the urge to feel responsible for it.  It was Shion’s choice.  He had seriously considered sleeping with Shion before he left, but he thought it would be too hard on both of them. 

If he were completely honest with himself, though, he hadn’t acted much differently than Shion during the past few years.  Once during his travels he encountered a sympathetic, willing woman in whose arms he’d sought warmth and release for a night, but the persistent truth was, all he could think about was Shion.  The experience made him lose his taste for trying that again.

The women and men he’d encountered in No.5 had given up hitting on him because they got no reaction.  He never even had to speak about it.  In a sense, Eve was the perfect foil.  Everyone chalked it up to his preferences, which they usually assumed were counter to their own.  But it wasn’t like that.  It wasn’t about men or women.  He was tired of meaningless sex leaving him emptier than it was worth.

As much as he’d tried to deny it for so long, he realized that Shion was the only person who really knew him.  Shion simply wanted Nezumi for who he was.  Shion hadn’t pealed back all the layers, but he had gotten deeper than anyone else.

He knew Shion loved him.  The first time Shion blurted out his innocent confession that he was drawn to Nezumi, he knew.  It was obvious.

Early on, Nezumi saw signs of it in the way Shion worried and cared about him.  To Nezumi those were serious warning signs.  He didn’t want anyone to care about him.  He had lived without it and he considered it a liability.  It was just another burden to weigh him down.

In spite of that, Nezumi had other feelings toward Shion that he wasn’t so sure about.  Protective, yes.  Dangerously attached and indebted, for sure.  He even had enough self-awareness when they lived together to recognize he was equally terrified of losing Shion, but love?  That took a long time to evolve in Nezumi’s heart.  It ran counter to everything he had learned in order to survive in life.

Nezumi shook his head self-deprecatingly. He had done it now.

 _God, he is going to be such a handful_.

Even though he had already decided he wanted to go back to Shion, until now it was still an abstract thought, something that he could conveniently relegate to the future.  Now that Shion was here, and Nezumi had finally held him, there was no going back.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he had to admit it to himself.  He needed Shion.  He had fought hard all these years to need no one.  He still believed it was why he had survived in the West Block as long as he did.

To be honest, though, whether he thought he needed Shion or not, he knew it was because of Shion that he was still alive.  Twice over, at least, he had saved his life.

His independence and isolation had helped him survive, but only so far.   If there was anyone he could trust he knew it was Shion, even if he didn’t fully understand him.

This boy, now grown into a young man, upset all his core beliefs.  The seed Shion had unknowingly planted when he gave Nezumi shelter as a boy had blossomed in his heart years later.  Nezumi had never been able to shake the influence Shion cast on him and, truth be told, he didn’t want to.

He clung to it secretly – deep in his heart for all these years – as his personal haven.  It was a beacon of humanity in a horrific darkness; proof that in the midst of a corrupt and defiled world some people were still capable of helping others.  He held onto it even when he tried hard to care for no one – need no one – because he couldn’t be endangered by such a burden.

He knew Shion was no saint. He was slow to anger, but when his fuse was lit he was capable of blinding rage, especially when it came to protecting Nezumi.  That kind of rage in Shion actually frightened Nezumi.  Being the focus of attention that seemed to border on adoration was unsettling.

Nezumi had tried many times to dissuade Shion of his unswerving belief in him.  He knew he wasn’t worthy of that kind of admiration.  But Shion kept at it, no matter what Nezumi threw at him – and he had dished out some pretty cruel language and violent threats when he thought Shion intended to thwart his plans to destroy No.6.

He understood now.  It wasn’t No.6.  It was never No.6 Shion wanted to save.  It was the innocent people who lived there.  Children lived there, just as he had been a child when his village was attacked.

For a long time Nezumi couldn’t distinguish between the city and its people.  They came as a package and he loathed them both to their core.

But there were people there.  It was a simple lesson, but had been so hard to learn.  He understood now, on a very personal level, that no community was monolithic.  There were good and bad people everywhere.

Nezumi ran his fingers through his bangs and exhaled.  “I’ve even started thinking like you,” he murmured.

Living in No.5 for half a year had also influenced him.  Nezumi was a fighter and he would never let himself lose those finely honed instincts and skills, but he deeply wanted to believe that somewhere, at some time, something close to peace could exist, even temporarily.

In No.5 there was a comfortable mix of chaos and order, plenty and want.  No one was trying to force the city into a mold.  People had complex personalities with hopes and fears that they expressed openly.

What would he find when he went back to No. 6?  Could he live with it?

 _“_ Ah, Shion _._ ”  Nezumi shuddered and whispered softly in response to Shion stirring against his groin.  He sighed deeply – intentionally – knowing full well what he was doing.  He had given up honoring his gran’s guidance on this point years ago.  _Never sigh in earnest, never expose your weakness and never trust anyone._   Her words had gotten him far, but he was no longer a child.  To sigh is to breathe and to breathe is to live. He was living.

Maybe it was a factor of age, but he finally felt strong enough that he could define his own terms for survival.  It was time for him to fulfill one of his own hopes. Time to allow himself one thing that he truly wanted – and he wanted Shion more than anything.


	6. Chapter 6

The rain had stopped and the sun was already streaming through the window by the time Shion finally awoke to the sound of rustling paper.  His face was buried in Nezumi’s pillow and everything from the night before came flooding back.  As dreamlike as the evening had seemed, it was not a dream.  In one day everything had changed.  He wasn’t sure if he felt more embarrassed at his behavior or more grateful for Nezumi’s understanding.  Either way, he couldn’t remember feeling this blissfully relaxed in a long time.

The aroma of coffee filled the air and… yes, there was also fresh baked bread.  That gave him the strength to open his eyes and turn his head toward the room.  Nezumi was at the counter preparing breakfast.

“Mppph,” was the best he could muster.

“My Prince awakens,” Nezumi said.  “Here.”  He grabbed what looked like sweat pants that were folded on the table, and tossed them to Shion, landing them squarely on his head.  “You can wear these for now.”

Shion pulled the garment off his head and rose up on his elbows.  He swallowed and yawned.  “Good morning to you, too.  Did you go out for all that?”

“Yep.  There’s a bakery just a block away that could give your mother’s a run for her money.”

The familiar scent made Shion’s mouth water and he realized he was really hungry for the first time in days.  He pulled himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

Nezumi continued talking as he cut the bread.  “I’ve been working on getting travel papers.  It’s not so hard with the right connections.”

Shion could hear him through the door and wondered what kind of connection Nezumi had been cultivating who could forge passports, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  He splashed water on his face, rinsed his mouth and ran his fingers through his hair.  As he eyed himself in the mirror there was no sign of the utter transformation he felt on the inside.  He was keenly aware of how much his life had been on hold waiting for this and vowed to put all his effort into moving forward.   

“Does it cost much money?” Shion asked as he returned to the room clad in his borrowed sweats.

“Of course, but not any more than I can manage.”

Shion came up behind Nezumi, who was now pouring coffee into two cups, and slipped his arms around his waist while looking over his shoulder at what was on the counter.

“Let’s see. Fresh bread… butter…  and Coffee,” Shion said appreciatively, “such riches.  It’s amazing, after all this time, how things like coffee, and the sugar in the tea last night, still seem like luxuries to me.”

“Your proximity is very appealing,” Nezumi said, “but I don’t want to scald myself or you.”

“Mm hmm,” Shion hummed and nodded and rested his head on Nezumi’s shoulder.

“Shion, you’re like a puppy this morning.”

“Thanks for understanding last night.  That was a bad one.”

Nezumi’s voice softened.  “Don’t worry about it.  As I mentioned, I’m more familiar with that kind of thing than you might think.  You slept very soundly.  Do you feel better now?”

“Much better, thanks.”

“How’s the leg.  You look like you’re walking okay.”

“Sore, and there’s a bruise, but no trouble putting weight on it.”  He withdrew to give him more room, but was not discouraged in the least.  Nezumi was there and it was not a dream.

“Nezumi, about passports...  All the residents of the West Block, now called Rose Town again, have their own citizenship.  They have their own central committee and can self-govern.  Many people were scattered over the years, especially due to the hunts.  In case they returned, the committee wanted them to have a place to come back to.  People were able to register their family and loved ones.”

“And?” Nezumi said.

Shion paused.  “I wasn’t sure how you’d take it.  I know you don’t think of that place as your home, but I registered you.  You have legal citizenship if you ever need it.”

“You did that for me?”  Nezumi smiled enigmatically while forcefully twisting the top off of a jar of jam.

“Well, yeah.  You never know when you might need something like that.  It sounds like it could come in handy right about now.  By the way, everyone in the VC database was pardoned and new judges were picked from general elections, so you don’t have any kind of criminal record to deal with.”

“That sounds almost too good to be true; maybe even fool-hardy.  There were bone fide criminals in the Correctional Facility.  Forgive me if I can’t shake my tendency for cynicism when it comes to No. 6.  I’m sure it has changed a lot.”

“The prisoners escaped when the correctional facility fell.  It was too difficult to determine who had and had not committed legitimate crimes, so the police and the justice system had to start over from scratch.  They even had to build a new prison—in a different location of course—and they used temporary facilities in the meantime.  When people committed new crimes they received new sentences.  A lot of the repeat offenders did come back into the system.  It’s far from perfect, but you’ll just have to see for yourself,” Shion said.

“I’d be freaked out if it was perfect.  Perfect isn’t natural and that’s what No.6 tried to be, at least on the surface.”

They picked up their coffee and food and settled on the sofa next to each other.  Shion tore into the crusty bread with his teeth. 

“I still don’t have a passport,” Nezumi said after wiping a bit of jam from the corner of his mouth.  “I don’t have any identification other than what I need here to cash my paycheck.  When you’re out in the middle of nowhere, no one cares what your citizenship is, but when you try to fly into one of the city-states and go through customs it’s a different story.”

“I’ve got the contact information for the office that can verify your citizenship for a passport.  For a fee they can finish it in a few days and I can have everything sent to you.”

“That sounds much easier than trying to get something forged here.”  He blew on his hot coffee before taking a cautious sip.  “Thanks.”

“Nezumi,” he said hesitantly, “If I vouched for you, I bet you could come back with me tomorrow.”

“Hmm…”  Nezumi paused to ponder the idea.  “That’s an enticing offer, but I’d feel bad about abandoning the theater production.  We’ve got ten more days of performances.”

“That sounds like an eternity,” Shion groaned.

“It’s only a small company,” he continued, “but it has a long history and they are quite well respected in the theater world.  They do legitimate theater and I’ve learned a lot from them in these past months.  I figure I owe them something, and the least I can do is finish this run.  Even if I leave in ten days, I’m not sure I have enough money yet, and it’s more expensive to book at the last minute.”

“Nezumi, I’ll give you the money to make up the difference.  The City Council paid for my air fare here.  I don’t make a lot, but I don’t spend much either, so I have money saved.  How much do you need?” 

“I can’t let you do that.”

“Money is nothing between us.  What’s mine is yours.”

“Money is nothing,” Nezumi scoffed, “only a sheltered elite would say something like that.”

“Don’t say that!” Shion said sharply.  “Elites don’t exist anymore.  At least not in the way they did.  Besides, I haven’t been an elite since I was twelve, remember?”

Nezumi’s tone softened.  “Sorry, Shion.  Really.  That was reflex.  Old habits…  But I don’t want to be in financial debt.  It’s too binding and I’m already too indebted to you.”

“I thought we were beyond all this.” Shion said.  “We’ve already brought each other back from the edge of death.  I think that beats money any day.  If you’re going to be in my life again, you need to accept that I’ll be doing things for you sometimes.  It doesn’t put you in debt.  We’ve always helped each other.”

Shion looked at Nezumi in anticipation, expecting an argument.

Nezumi eyed him with an appraising look.  “Okay.” He shrugged.  “You win.”

“That was too easy,” Shion said.  “What’s going on in your head?” 

“I just decided it wasn’t something I needed to fight over.”

Shion was still staring at him.

“What else can I say?  You persuaded me.  How’s that for a rhetorical accomplishment?  You can be proud of that.  We probably will have to rethink a few things when it comes to sharing.”

Shion felt a small sense of victory even though he wasn’t quite sure how he achieved it. 

Now that the way seemed to be clear, he launched into plans for the day, talking much faster than he intended. “We’ll go to a bank today and get the money transferred.  After that we can get the ticket purchased.  That’s the most important thing.” 

Something uncomfortable was nagging at the edge of his thoughts.  It seemed very important to get this taken care of right away; there was no time to spare.  “We’ll have to leave soon so we can fit it all in today...” 

Nezumi suddenly interrupted him.  “Shion, wait a minute.  You’re afraid to leave without me, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“You’re talking a mile a minute and you sound like you’re afraid I won’t follow you.”

He was afraid and Nezumi had put his nebulous feeling into words.  He felt if he left without him, he’d never see him again. 

“I guess I am.  Yes, of course I’m afraid and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I don’t care if you laugh or what you think of me.”

“That’s so like you.  No, I’m not going to laugh.  It’s understandable.  I will tell you this, though, nothing could keep me from returning when I’m this close.  You have nothing to fear.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

“What are you going to do?”  Nezumi joked. “Come after me?”

Shion leveled his eyes at him with surprising calm.  “If I have to.”

Nezumi nodded affectionately and placed his hand on Shion’s cheek.  “You’re right.  We should get going before it gets too late.”

________________________________________________________________

It was well into the evening before Nezumi finished with his performance and returned to the apartment.  Shion’s small suitcase and backpack were sitting next to the door. “I see you checked out of the hotel,” he said as he kicked his shoes off. “You’ll have to get up early in the morning to take the train to the airport.”

Shion stood by the door watching as Nezumi took off his coat.  The day had been full, but they had managed to secure a ticket for Nezumi’s return flight after his theater run.  Shion even got to see some of the city.  “Thanks again for taking me to the museum, Nezumi.  I’ve never seen so many historical paintings in one place.  That’s something I’ll think about for a long time to come.”

“Glad you enjoyed it.”  Nezumi turned, noticing something on the counter by the sink.  “What’s this?” he said as he poked his nose in the bag.

“Take-out noodles with beef and vegetables.”

Nezumi followed Shion as he unpacked the containers of food onto the table.  “What a feast.  With a kitchen here, I hardly ever buy prepared food.  That’s how I’ve been saving.” He dropped onto the sofa and leaned back.

“That’s probably how you’ve maintained your girlish figure, too”

Striking a demure pose with his feet off to one side, Nezumi answered in a lilting voice, “And I thought you hadn’t noticed.” 

Shion smiled quietly as he gathered forks.  He had missed this so much.

“Oh.”  Nezumi jumped up, suddenly remembering.  “I have a bottle of wine we can share.  A gift from an admirer at the stage door.  I don’t get as many of them here as I did in the West Block, but that’s actually a relief for me.  Most of those people were stalker material anyway.”  Nezumi opened a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of red wine.   “I trust you can hold your wine better now than in the past?”

“I’ve had some practice by now.”  Shion arched his brow in mild indignation.

“This should soften the edges,” Nezumi said as he opened the bottle and filled their glasses while Shion loaded food onto both of their plates.

Shion clinked his glass against Nezumi’s.  “Here’s to reunion.”

Nezumi smiled.  “That’s a worthy toast.  I’ll drink to that.” He took a sip and closed his eyes as he savored the taste.

Shion drank from his glass.  “It’s good!” he exclaimed, “I mean really good.”

“Couldn’t you at least come up with something like, ‘‘a slight earthy scent with rich fruity notes of dark raspberry?’”

“When did you learn about wine?  For that matter when did you even start caring about wine?”

Nezumi laughed out loud.  “I didn’t.  I can’t afford this stuff!  I _read_ , Shion.  It gives me a vocabulary to describe the things I perceive.”

“Well, I read too, but it doesn’t seem to help,” he observed ruefully.

Nezumi just ruffled his hair and dug into his food.

Shion’s spirit soared at the sound of Nezumi’s laughter.  It had been so long.  He lifted his glass and took another appreciative sip.

When they finished eating, Shion leaned forward to gather dishes off the table.  Nezumi stared at his hands.  They were good strong hands even though they were somewhat delicate.  They were used to taking care of things.  He was glad he had helped Shion become stronger because he wouldn’t have survived otherwise.  Shion’s shoulder muscles flexed, under his shirt, as he reached for each dish.  Nezumi felt his skin flush as he watched Shion carry things away and then turn to walk towards him.

Suddenly the theater production didn’t seem so important and he regretted that they would be separated tomorrow.  In less than eight hours he’d be alone again, but he no longer thought of himself as alone.  As quickly as that, his status in the world had changed.

Shion stood over him with a slight, impenetrable smile.  It was very much like that night long ago… Without any words he bent down and kissed Nezumi on the lips.  This time, however, Nezumi kissed back with an answering passion that left Shion breathless.

“I want something to remember you by,” Shion said with an unsteady voice, still leaning over his dark haired companion.

Nezumi arched his eyebrow questioningly.  “And what would that be?  Something like flowers, or chocolates, or perhaps a souvenir of the city?”

“You know what I mean.  I want to be with you again.”

“I see.” Nezumi shook his hair back in amusement.  He stood up and took both of Shion’s hands, pulling him forward.  He kissed him deeply until he felt Shion sway slightly in his arms, then he turned toward the bed.

Shion followed unsteadily and sat on the edge.  “I wanted you all day.”

An odd combination of pride, affection and desire collided in Nezumi’s heart at Shion’s comment.  It was unlike anything he’d felt with anyone else and it was utterly foreign to him in this kind of situation.  Nezumi was still recovering from his discovery that sex with someone he loved was utterly different from sex for physical pleasure alone.

“Seems like you’re finding the words to say what you want.”

“Perhaps…”  Shion looked at him expectantly.

“Are you feeling a little better than last night?”

“I don’t feel anxious,” Shion replied, “if that’s what you mean.”

“Good. That’s exactly what I wanted to know.”  Nezumi deftly unfastened the buttons of Shion’s shirt.  Sliding his hands up his chest and over his shoulders, he pushed the shirt off before Shion caught on and started to help.  That left him free to remove his own layers. 

“Slide back on the bed,” Nezumi said.  He was still captivated with Shion’s hair and the way it picked up the glow of the candle flame; this time creating a golden halo around his head.

________________________________________________________________

Shion moved back, wondering what was in store.

Nezumi chastely kissed Shion’s cheek.  Then, with kisses of increasing warmth, he proceeded to follow the serpentine path around the front of his neck, grazing his lips down and across his chest.  “See, I told you it was alluring.”

Shion gripped Nezumi’s shoulders with his fingers and tried to control his breathing, but to no avail.  His breath hitched sharply as Nezumi licked across his nipple and then gently pulled the tightening bud into his mouth, flicking it with the tip of his tongue. 

The pace was excruciatingly slow and it amplified every touch and sensation.  Shion could predict where Nezumi was headed, and he wished it with every fiber of his tingling nerves.  He was practically holding his breath in anticipation.

Nezumi teased his way down Shion’s body, skimming kisses along a circuitous route and nipping playfully across his smooth stomach until he finally knelt between strong slim thighs misted with downy, translucent hair.  He nestled Shion’s erection in his palm and delicately licked the flat of his tongue across the slick droplets at the tip.

“Ah!”  Shion clutched the sheet and cried out.

“Gotcha,” Nezumi gloated.  He gently encircled Shion with his lips, taking him into his mouth and swirling his tongue.

Shion’s mind was barely coherent.  Nezumi’s mouth was warm and pliant and his tongue explored with the same confidence and purpose as when they kissed, only this was far beyond a kiss.  A strangled moan rose involuntarily from his lips.  His thoughts began to fragment into disjointed words: hot, wet, _Nezumi_.  If Shion thought his heart was pounding before, he thought it would burst now.  He squeezed his eyes shut and rolled his head from side to side, whispering words that were only half voiced.

“Nezumi,” he breathed, his eyes fluttering closed as Nezumi slid his rounded lips up and down, pulling him deep into his mouth while wrapping deft fingers around his base with a sure touch. 

In the quiet room, Shion listened intently to the sound of soft wet lips and the way Nezumi breathed shallowly through his nose as he dropped his tongue to accommodate the intrusion into his mouth.  Shion resisted his natural impulse to push forward with his hips.

Suddenly needing to see exactly what was happening, Shion lifted his head to watch across the expanse of his body.  He hardly believed what he saw in the soft light.  Strands of ebony hair fell across flushed cheeks.  He saw himself disappearing into slightly swollen and reddened lips.  Nezumi’s eyes were closed while he concentrated on the task before him and his dark eyelashes rested on smooth cheeks.

Needing to touch him, he succumbed to the urge to slide his fingers into Nezumi’s hair.  In response, heavy-lidded gray eyes glanced up to match Shion’s gaze and both young men were suddenly imprinted with images of passion that surpassed their deepest, longest held desires for one another.

Over the years they were separated, they had both woven fantasies with threads that stretched all the way back to their first meeting.  The warmth they felt in that brief encounter—long denied, ignored and pushed to the outer edges of their consciousness—had finally flared into something much deeper than either could have predicted.

Nezumi hummed deep in his throat causing Shion’s nerves to sing.  He hovered on a sharp precipice, hanging on a vibrating string, until finally plummeting over the edge where Nezumi caught him.  He came with a hoarse cry and tears sprang to his eyes, his hips twitched with each pulse.

Shion lay gasping on the sheets as he savored the last waves. His hair was splayed on the pillow in a tousled mass.  “Wow.  Just, Wow…” he said between breaths.

“That was eloquent.”  Nezumi moved next to him on the bed and poked him in the ribs, but Shion lay with his forearm slung over his eyes and was too limp to react.  

Then, with a surge of energy that surprised them both, Shion quickly rolled on top of him.  Ever the inquisitive one, he sampled his taste on Nezumi’s lips with a deep probing kiss. “Briny and a little bitter,” he decided.

“ _Now_ you find your words…” Nezumi chuckled.

“I want to try,” he said, suddenly clasping Nezumi’s erection with his warm hand and making him gasp. 

“I wouldn’t dream of stopping you,” Nezumi said catching his breath.

Shion cut his eyes at Nezumi, trying to decide if he was making fun of him.

“I’m completely serious.”  Nezumi held his hand up defense.  “Would I risk pissing you off in this condition?”

Satisfied that he really meant it, Shion slid down the bed until he was propped on his elbow next to Nezumi’s hip.  Leaning forward he took Nezumi’s cock in his warm hand, studying it in a very exploratory manner.  He was taking his time to really look and appreciate the beautiful smooth sheen of Nezumi’s skin in the soft light.

“You are so beautiful,” he breathed.

“How can you say stuff like that about…”  Nezumi’s knee jerk reaction faded on his lips as garnet eyes caught his. Shion had a good idea he had just been thinking the same thing about him.

“You can examine me later,” his voice was strained, “just, please, get on with it.”

“I’m getting to it.”  Shion leaned up and kissed Nezumi while he lazily stroked him with his hand, matching the stroke of his tongue to the rhythm of his hand just as Nezumi had done.  Nezumi moaned with desire, which pleased Shion no end to know he could do that.  He wanted to hear every sound that passed Nezumi’s lips and he wanted to bring him as much pleasure as possible.

Wanting to return the favor, he abandoned Nezumi’s mouth and kissed his way across his chest and stomach in much the same way he had just experienced.  When he reached his goal, he gently took Nezumi into his mouth and swirled his tongue.  In his mind he quickly started running through a check list of all the things he had read about.  Don’t let the teeth get in the way, don’t push too far, avoid hitting the back of the throat and triggering the gag reflex, use the hand in conjunction with the mouth to extend the surface area being stimulated, try to notice if one thing seems to work better than another…

“Shion,” Nezumi called to him and touched his shoulder.

“Hmmm?” Shion hummed with his mouth too full to talk.

“Oh god,” he gasped, “humming is good…”  Nezumi took a deep breath.  “Don’t over think it.  I can practically hear the gears turning in your head.  Just relax and do whatever comes naturally.  If you’ve been thinking about me all this time, you must have some ideas.  Just pick one.  I’m so close, it’ll be fine.”

Shion pulled away and nodded.  His face burned from Nezumi’s suggestion, but it made sense.  He had considered this many times and now he could finally give himself permission to try whatever he had imagined.  Nezumi felt warm and firm as he took him in hand.  A clear droplet had wept from his tip.  Wanting to taste it, he touched the tip of his tongue to his sensitive slit, eliciting a wonderful gasp.  He found a salty taste similar to his own, but distinctively Nezumi’s.

He followed by lovingly nuzzling against soft curly hair, breathing in Nezumi’s unique scent mixed with a hint of soap, then kissing the inside of his thigh.  Nezumi writhed and gripped at the snowy locks between his legs as a ragged moan tore from his lips.  Shion could tell he was being careful not to pull, just as he had done.  It made him smile.

Running his tongue up the underside of Nezumi’s length, and taking him in his mouth again, Shion curled his fingers around the base and lost himself in the rhythm of Nezumi’s response as he gently rocked his hips.  Shion focused on his lover’s quickening breath, the warm flush of his skin under his hand where he held his hip. 

His awareness tapered down to one narrow goal which he pursued with laser-like determination until he felt the inevitable approaching…  With a sudden throbbing pulse against his tongue, his mouth filled with Nezumi’s release.  Shion was ready; swallowing and holding him in his mouth until he was spent.  Nezumi shuddered as he cried out and his slender fingers tangled deeper in Shion’s hair. 

Shion had been reading Nezumi’s touch through his hair for a long time, and tonight those fingers conveyed a deep sense of need. He hoped he would always be able to answer that need.

The two of them lay there breathing; Shion’s cheek resting on Nezumi’s thigh and long fingers still entwined in white tresses.

Nezumi sat up and grasped Shion’s hand, tugging him up the bed until he was lying next to him.  “Told you I was close,” he said as he wrapped his legs around Shion’s and pulled him close for a crushing kiss.  Shion’s lips melted into Nezumi’s, engulfing him in a swirl of mingled scent and taste.

He twisted and shifted within the tight embrace, so close he could feel Nezumi’s heart still racing.  The sharp rhythm no longer distressed him.  Instead, Nezumi’s body was singing to him with every pulse, every breath, every sigh.

Shion knew himself well enough to understand that a couple of nights of bliss would not erase his bouts of anxiety, but the fact that Nezumi could breathe life into him and fill him with such intense passion meant there was hope of feeling whole again.

In their brief time together, he had discovered new tones of voice and nuances of touch in Nezumi that he was only beginning to explore.  He didn’t want to tear himself away from all this in the morning, but he would have to.  Knowing that Nezumi would be following him gave him strength.

“Ten days will pass in no time,” Nezumi said as he smoothed the sweaty bangs off of Shion’s forehead. "Go to work, eat your mama’s baking, and don’t dwell on it.  I promise I’m coming back.”


	7. Chapter 7

Well before the plane began its descent toward the No.6 airport, one of the first things Nezumi saw was the monotonous ashen gray color of the landscape.  From this height, once they had crossed the ocean and the coastline came into view, he could see the damage to the earth’s surface on a scale that couldn’t be grasped while walking across the land.  There were scattered thin patches of browns and green here and there, and the occasional flash of light across a lake or pond dotting the landscape, but it was indeed wasteland for miles and miles.

Still, he had seen it up close and knew that plants were pushing up through crevices and rocks and taking hold in many places.  As they approached the large region surrounding No.6 he could see a marked change in the landscape.  Gray and brown gradually transitioned to verdant greens.  The land was strong here, there was no denying it. 

He could never understand the point of hiding a city behind walls in an area with so many natural resources.  It could only have been to amass power and wealth and to gain control over people.  The region had always been fertile enough for everyone to gain from its bounty.  Perhaps now they were all able to reap its benefits.  He would have to see for himself.

His overnight flight had taken twelve hours.  They had been heading east, toward the rising sun, and he was finally getting in around eight in the morning.  Shion wanted to meet him at the airport, especially if there might be problems with customs, but Nezumi made him promise not to.  He wanted to come back at his own pace and see things with his own eyes.

Once they landed, customs proved easier than he thought.  Shion had sent him the necessary documentation and his identity was not a problem.  Before he left No.5, he did run into a problem with the mice.  The airline had regulations about animals and Nezumi reluctantly agreed to put them in travel containers.  He even had to talk to them to calm them down, explaining that this was nothing compared to real dangers they had faced for him in the past.  That seemed to convince them.  In the end, when he retrieved them in baggage claim, they were shivering and much relieved to be free of their cramped boxes.  They climbed into his hands, scrambled up to his shoulder and hid in his scarf.

As he boarded the public transport train at the airport, he knew he was in the Mao region.  The sparsely wooded remains near his family’s village would be visible along the way.  He had been far too young to remember much of his life there and the trauma of fire and destruction had obliterated the rest, but that didn’t lessen his fundamental association with the area. 

Since he knew he would inevitably travel past the site today, he wanted to see what it looked like after fifteen or so years.  He coolly tried to divorce himself from his feelings as the train accelerated from the terminal and shot out across the landscape presenting a view of the woods across grassy fields. 

It was, in fact, unremarkable.  The area closest to the airport had regrown as patchy, sparse woods consisting of relatively young deciduous and coniferous trees. Farther north, beyond the boundaries of the airport, was some of the original forested area that remained.  His village had been by the lake that was drained for the runway.  From a distance, after all this time, most people wouldn’t know a fire had been there at all, but it was no longer an imposing old growth forest.

While he pondered the landscape, a piercing pain shot across his back, thrusting his scar uppermost in his thoughts.  He pressed his back against his seat back, closed his eyes and tried to think of other things.  He breathed deeply.  Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.  Usually he was successful at ignoring the sharp pains and tightness that came with the gift that No.6 had bestowed on him, but today his keloid spider was angry and demanded attention.  It had been particularly difficult when he was growing, but as he approached his full height the tissue gradually pulled less and the bad attacks were less frequent.

The more he tried to ignore it, the more the pain asserted itself.  Along with the pain came the emotions associated with it.  Disjointed scenes of flames, and people running through the village, fragmented and coalesced in his mind.  He continued to breathe evenly and let the images wash over him, knowing it wasn’t happening and it would pass.  He looked out the window and willed himself to shut down his emotions because it did no good to dwell on it.  He wasn’t here for this.  He was here for Shion.

Interestingly, on this occasion, the farther he got from the woods, the more his symptoms receded. That was fine with him. He wasn't sure why it came on so suddenly. Maybe it was his distinct proximity to the location of the massacre, but he wasn’t in the mood to analyze it. He took hold of the break in pain to clear his head and regulate his breathing.

As the train headed toward the city center from the north, he saw something in the landscape he never imagined he’d see here.  Instead of the highly defined city boundary that existed where the wall fell, there was transitional development in the distance to the west.  Suburbs had grown up. Trees had been planted.  In the past everything had been inside or outside with no transition.  Now it was continuous open development toward what had been the West Block with roads running to and from the city.

When he disembarked, he wanted to take his time finding his way.   He had Shion’s address, but Nezumi wanted to explore first.  All he had with him was a backpack with a few books and clothes.  In his apartment he only had books and clothes and he was able to sell the books at the same book shop where he had worked part time.

As he left the station, he noticed immediately that the sidewalks were crowded with people.  Simply because he was in No. 6, he tensed instinctively and was on alert.  His wariness was as much a part of him as his breath, but gradually he realized that no one was paying any attention to him.  He was just another person on the street, going about his business with as much right to be there as the next person. 

As he calmed down, and allowed himself to look at the things in his surroundings as something other than potential signs of danger, he noticed that there were all kinds of people walking around the station; all ages, all skin types, as well as scruffy looking people who might have been escorted out of the city at one time.  For those who were better dressed, fashion had taken a turn toward the colorful and he could see influences from some of the other cities.  No.6 had always been a rather bland place in the past; expensive, but not expressive.  People’s body language was also more relaxed.  This was definitely No.6, but it had a different feeling.  It was changing. 

Instead of heading directly to Shion’s apartment he was drawn to the Lost Town district.  Shion’s apartment was more or less between here and downtown anyway.  As he walked the streets he noticed both subtle and blatant changes.  This area always had a bit more character than the rest of No.6, but now it teemed with personality.  People were treating their doorsteps and small yards like artistic canvases.  There were clever braided wreaths on brightly colored doors, odd little sculptures, and small gardens with early spring vegetables, shaggy herbs and flowers wherever there was space.  It was chaotic and colorful.  The style itself seemed unique to the locale, but the effect was not unlike various neighborhoods he’d seen while he was staying in No.5.   

The enticing aroma of baking bread and spices gave away the location of his destination before it was in sight.  As he rounded the corner and ascended the stairs of the hilly district, the bakery’s sign came into view.  Through the large glass shop window he could see shelves, behind the counter, packed with a surprising assortment of baked goods.

Nezumi hung back, just outside the door before entering.  He could hear Karen finishing up a sale for a woman with two young girls.

“I hope you enjoy the muffins,” she said as she handed a bag to the taller of the two girls.  The bag looked pleasantly full.

“We always do,” said their mother.  

“Thank you.  We’ll see you next time,” the children called out as they headed to the door.

Karen turned her back to the door and began moving trays on a rack behind the counter. Just as Nezumi stepped inside the shop, she turned around with a greeting on her lips before she even saw him.  “May I help you?”

Nezumi was impressed with her sharp perception.  A good shop keeper is always aware of their surroundings.   “Perhaps a baguette, please?” 

She dropped the towel she was holding and rushed around the counter. “Nezumi!” she cried and gave the young man before her a warm, motherly hug.

Nezumi patted her on the back and endured.  He was used to it by now.

“I knew you were getting in today, but I didn’t expect to see you.  I thought you would be going directly to Shion’s.”

“I will be,” he said.  “I wanted to get some fresh bread and maybe a couple of croissants.  Where I’ve been there are bakeries all over the city, but I wanted you to know that yours still stands out.”

Karen looked doubtful, but accepted his compliment anyway.  “It’s nice of you to say so.”

“I’m not just flattering you, I really mean it.  The flight was long and I only slept a little on the plane.  This morning I knew I had to have something from your shop to start the day.”  Nezumi really did mean it.  Karen’s baking was good.  It was carefully crafted and tasted excellent.  He would never say it tasted like home, but everyone knows that wheat and water reflect the land they come from and there was no denying Nezumi was from here.

“It’s as good as anything I found in No.5, and you know they have a long baking tradition.”  Her food was something Nezumi remembered, even during his travels; from the first cake Shion fed him to the things he ate in the last days before he left No.6.

“Well, that’s very kind,” she said as she smoothed her apron with quick, precise movements.  “Can you stay for a cup of tea or coffee?  I already have hot water in the kettle.  You can step in the back and sit at the table.”

“Then, if it’s not too much trouble, a cup of tea would be good.”

While Karen piled two croissants on a plate and made a pot of tea, Nezumi sat at the table and looked around at the immaculate kitchen with gleaming surfaces, thinking of how many hours Shion must have sat in this exact spot while visiting or helping his mother.

“Here you are,” she said as she set the plate of croissants and a steaming cup in front of him. 

“Thank you.” Nezumi sipped his tea appreciatively.  He was thinking about how to introduce the topic he’d come to discuss when his scarf started to wriggle and two noses emerged, sniffing the air.

“Oh,” Karen said.  “Your mice.”

“I’m sorry.”  Nezumi was suddenly self-conscious about imposing.  Something in him wanted to bolt, but he really wanted to talk to her.  He quickly gathered up the mice in his hands.  “I’ll tuck them in my coat pocket so they don’t disturb you.”

“No, I wouldn’t dream of it.  If you put them on the floor I’ll set out some plates of water and food for them.”

“That’s very gracious.  They’ll like that.”

“Your mice carried messages of hope for me in a time of great darkness.  I’ll never forget that.”  She busied herself readying their plates and watched happily as they helped themselves to generous crusts of brioche and water.

Nezumi noted, as he had many times before, how much Shion looked like her.  She had maintained a positive heart even while the state of No.6 stole her son and crushed her life and in her own way she had fought back.  Yes, she had slipped into complacency during her years in Chronos, but who wouldn’t living such a hothouse existence.  When circumstances called for it, she bounced back with courage, strength and hope.  He was sure that Shion had inherited those traits.

Karen returned to the table.  “Shion told me how he found you. It was a very interesting story.  He said the play was excellent as well.”

“Oh, yes, the play.  It had a solid run and they were a good company to work with.  I learned a lot from them.”  Nezumi needed to steer the conversation to Shion and now seemed as good a time as any. 

“I do have a question for you if I could,” he began.  “Excuse me if you feel this is prying, but I’m wondering how you think Shion has been.”

Karen studied his face for moment.  “You’ve grown quite a bit, Nezumi. For the best I think.”  She took a sip of her tea.  “Shion has been up and down over the years.  If you haven’t encountered it already, you will probably observe some symptoms of stress and anxiety.  I would say it's the lasting effects of trauma, in all honesty."

“I did see it, when we were in No.5.”

“I thought you might have.  He really works hard to cope with it.  A big part of it is flashbacks, but he has been fortunate that recently they have become less frequent.”

“Is there anything in his work that is particularly stressful?”   Nezumi knew what impact the Correctional Facility had on Shion, but he was interested in what demands his current life put on him. 

Karen ran her finger along the edge of her cup and studied the surface of the tea.  “Well, any program having to do with medical or social services for people has Shion’s mark all over it.  That’s where his heart is and that’s what he has worked hardest on, so his workload is heavy to begin with.  He’s also working hard on land reclamation, too.  His work is tiring, but I think the stress comes from being pushed toward higher administrative duties because people want a ‘leader.’”

She looked up at Nezumi.  “Please don’t get me wrong.  The people, the citizens here, have worked extremely hard to rebuild things.  We’ve gotten our basic services, transportation and schools in order again—with much more openness I might add—and I think there’s more of a sense of true community than there has ever been.  However, at the committee level, where Shion is, it’s political.”

“I can see how being in the middle of that would be stressful,” Nezumi nodded while speaking.

“The Restructural Committee,” Karen continued, “is comprised of representative members with a rotating, elected head, but people don’t want to put in the time and share the burden of decision making.  Like any city, there are various factions with different agendas, but Shion is good at bringing people to consensus so people gravitate to him even when someone else is serving as the committee head.  I think when things get difficult, people on the committee just want Shion to step in and do it all.”

“They want him to be God,” Nezumi said.  “That’s not surprising actually, given the history here.”

“I think…”  Karen paused, searching for the words.  “I think he knows he can’t create a paradise.  I trust that he learned that much from the disaster that grew out of our earlier attempts – and I say ours, because I was just as caught up in the idealism of the time as the rest of them when we began building this city – but Shion can be so driven to get things right.  He gets pushed into filling the vacuum because… well, because he’s Shion.  He doesn’t want to let people down.  It’s consuming him.  I worry he might lose his center.”

Nezumi nodded while tearing off a piece of croissant with his long fingers.  “That sounds very much like him.”

“I know a little bit about your background, Nezumi, and I don’t presume to know how it was for you, but I think you’ll be a good person for him to talk to.  He needs someone who understands what he’s been through.  Therapists, to the extent that he has been able find ones with any real training or understanding, have helped some, but I’m hopeful that having someone here to remind him that he didn’t experience it all alone will help him.”

“I’ll do what I can.  I’m not sure how much help I’ll be, but we’ll see.”  Nezumi really wasn’t sure how much he could help, but he would make himself available as much as possible.”

“I’m sure it will make a difference.”  Karen reached out and squeezed his hand then stood to pick up the cups from the table.  “Shion’s probably wondering where you are.  I’m glad you took the time to stop by.”

“I am, too.”  Nezumi reached down and gently gathered up the mice and tucked them in his coat pocket.  He pulled out some money for the baguette, but Karen pushed his hand away. 

“Please, Nezumi,” she laughed lightly. “That would be like charging Shion for food.”

He nodded and put his money away without comment.   

“I’m sure you have Shion’s address, but if it will help, his neighborhood is across the river, midway between the two bridges that lead here and to the center of the city.”

“Thank you for everything, Karen.”  He knew it was coming and hugged back when she embraced him quickly.

“Welcome back, Nezumi.”

He nodded and turned to leave, grateful that she had not said ‘welcome home’ because in his mind it surely was not.  Nezumi couldn’t remember anything that felt like home since his family was killed and the associations he had with that time were vague and fragmentary.  His underground storage locker had been a haven, but aside from some pleasant times with Shion, it often felt more like shelter from a hostile world than a home.

As he walked through the winding streets, toward the main arterial that would take him to the bridge, he noticed that children ran noisily along the sidewalks with more freedom.  People laughed impulsively and sometimes he overheard snatches of animated arguments as couples and friends walked together.  He was hearing spontaneity and discord.  To some it might seem like a thing to be taken for granted, but what it represented to him was fundamental change.  This had been a place where you could lose your life for being dissatisfied and expressing it.

While crossing the bridge he noticed he was entering a district with more apartment buildings than houses.  The tree-lined streets were home to cafes and businesses that catered to young, single people.  Judging from the posters he was seeing, there were plenty of concerts, gallery exhibitions and theatrical performances going on.  He even passed a used book shop.   If he recalled correctly, one of the technical colleges was nearby.  Maybe they were teaching additional subjects by now.

This district seemed to have undergone a dramatic change.  It had been a rather plain residential area with only the basic services for business before.  You could always eat well and get nice clothes in No.6, but a vibrant arts scene, with the free and open exchange of ideas, was too unpredictable and dangerous.  Artists have a way of critiquing society. 

Shion’s street was far enough away from the business district that it was quiet and peaceful.  The building was three stories, white, modern and utilitarian.  Nezumi noticed it backed up against a narrow greenbelt that probably originally existed to screen the wall.  It amused him to think that now a person could cut through those trees and walk freely in or out of the city.  He had told Shion it was impossible to destroy the wall and he was wrong.

The small front yard was enclosed with a low wooden fence.  The yard was densely planted with small maple trees and evergreen shrubs, creating a small sylvan retreat off the street.  His heart raced as he placed his hand on the gate.  He double checked the number posted next to the door and pushed the gate open. It swung freely on its hinge and there was not a lock in sight. 

Each unit had a balcony.  A sturdy trellis, intertwined with wisteria unfolding in earliest bloom, ran up the wall next to them.  Nezumi studied the layout and decided that only people who anticipated no possibility of crime could have designed such a vulnerable structural detail in an urban setting.  To him, the trellis was an open invitation, not unlike the open door he found in Chronos.

In fact, he could see from here that Shion’s balcony door was cracked open; second floor, left side.  So obvious…  Shion had chosen a place with a stage set worthy of Romeo and Juliet.  It was just the kind of unconscious thing he would do.  Okay, if that’s what Shion wanted, he would play his part.


	8. Chapter 8

The trellis supported him easily as he climbed through the heady scent of wisteria. Nezumi eased himself over the railing of the balcony, avoiding Shion’s bicycle, and quietly walked to the sliding door. Shion was asleep on the sofa with a book lying face down on his chest. The morning sun’s rays crept across his body at an angle without yet disturbing his sleep. Nezumi couldn’t help smiling at the tranquil scene.

Shion wore a pale blue shirt with his shirttail hanging out over tan pants. His feet were bare. The walls of the living room were lined with tall, white book shelves filled with row after row of volumes, many recognizable from Nezumi’s own collection, but many new ones, too. Compared to the raucous colors of the book spines, the colors of the room were light and calm; pale beiges and soft greens. It suited Shion and Nezumi suspected his mother had been involved in furnishing the place.

His relaxed face had a sweet innocence about it, like a kid who had fallen asleep surrounded by his toys while clutching his favorite to his chest. With a sense of satisfaction that Nezumi couldn’t exactly explain, he slipped out of his shoes, noiselessly slid the door open, and stepped onto the soft carpet, secure in the knowledge that he would surprise Shion in his sleep.

“You’re late. What took you so long?” Shion hadn’t moved a muscle, but his eyes were wide open.

“I don’t recall you being a light sleeper.” Nezumi would never admit failing to see that coming.

“Who said I was asleep?”

“You were very convincing. I’m surprised at your level of perception.” Nezumi pulled his backpack off, dropping it on the floor, and then unwound his scarf; freeing the mice to scurry off and find Tsukiyo somewhere in the apartment.

Shion watched him patiently. He slipped off his coat, tossed it over a chair, and crossed the room to perch on the edge of the couch, right next to Shion’s hip. “I see you left the door open. Nice touch.”

“It’s been like that ever since I moved in.” Shion sat up, which put his face even with Nezumi’s. His book fell to the floor with a soft thud. “It was good of you to finally make use of it.”

“And you moved in when?” Nezumi held Shion’s gaze and didn’t budge.

“Two years ago.” Shion was close enough to feel the warmth of his body. His breath tickled across Nezumi’s cheek.

Nezumi still showed no reaction to Shion’s proximity. The length of time Shion had left that door open as a beacon was not wasted on him; in fact it made his heart ache, but what could he say in apology that hadn’t already been said? “Anyone could have climbed in.”

“No one climbed in...” Shion was closing the remaining gap between them, “until today.” He was inches from Nezumi’s lips and he met his gaze with his own, clear and focused.

“This is what you wanted all along, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” Shion whispered. His ruby eyes hid nothing from Nezumi, neither the pain and longing he experienced during his absence nor the hunger he felt at his return. He carefully raised his fingertips to Nezumi’s cheek as if confirming his reality.

“I’m sorry it had to take so long.” Nezumi said, finally realizing it cost him nothing to say those words again and it meant everything to Shion.

With no further hesitation, Shion threw his arms around Nezumi’s neck and kissed him—hard. The force behind his movement tipped Nezumi back and they tumbled onto the floor, narrowly missing the low table stacked with books and journals. Their hands roved and groped wherever they could reach. Shion was all arms and legs until Nezumi flipped him and straddled his hips, pinning him to the floor.

“Well, we both know where this will get us.” Shion grinned and pushed his hips up sharply into Nezumi’s groin, eliciting a jagged hiss from above.

“No rest for the weary, I suppose.” Nezumi watched his captive squirming beneath him and ran his finger softly along the line of his chin. He saw joy in Shion’s eyes. He looked so happy—playful actually. The clear-eyed boy he knew from before was still inside.

Shion looked up at him with rapt attention and trust. This was the kind of openness he used to deride Shion for, telling him he was clueless and couldn’t survive behaving like this. But he did survive and Nezumi was thankful he had not lost his ability to be open. He had depended on that trust still being intact.

It was full circle for Nezumi. After walking so far through wastelands, settlements on the edge of nowhere, and grand cities, he had finally come back to Shion. A weariness of body and spirit, exceeding his twenty years, settled on him and he just wanted to curl up with Shion and sleep for a long, long time.

He leaned over and kissed Shion’s yielding soft lips. He stretched out, entwining their legs together, ready to lose himself in the warmth of Shion’s body, however the long, cramped night spent on the plane could no longer be ignored. His body protested and he had to pull away.

“Shion. I’m so jet lagged I can hardly see straight. I trust you have a shower and a bed you can offer me before we ravish one another.”

“Of course.” Shion smiled as he jumped up and extended his hand to Nezumi. “Let me show you around. By the way, I’ve taken some time off work for a few days. I’ve certainly got the time coming to me and we have some catching up to do.”

Nezumi envisioned hours of free time together with no commitments and felt himself looking forward to it. Envisioning a future—any kind of future—was something he had only recently started to allow himself.

He looked around as he followed Shion, noting that the living room, dining area and kitchen were all in one open area with bedrooms down a central hallway.

“It’s large,” Nezumi said. “I’ve seen entire families live in smaller.”

He noticed Shion tense at his comment. “I had a choice of a studio apartment or a full unit with two bedrooms. I confess I hoped you might return at some point, but I didn’t know if you’d want to live with me or not. The books are all in the living room and one of the bedrooms I use as an office, so functionally it’s just a one-bedroom.”

Nezumi nodded, taking it all in. He rubbed Shion’s arm. “Don’t worry. I’m not judging you.”

He walked down the hall and explored the office filled with books. In addition to the walls lined with bookshelves, there was an old oak desk, with a matching chair, piled high with papers and books. A sleek digital notebook for work lay amidst the stacks. Across the small room was a soft upholstered chair and lamp for reading. Nezumi smiled softly. He sat at the desk and ran his fingers along the smooth surface. “Where did you get this?”

“The desk? I bought it in Rose Town.”

“I’m surprised it wasn’t used for fire wood.”

“As newer goods became more available, I started seeing moving sales and some interesting things popped up. Antiques, really. It seemed like some people managed to hold on to original furnishings all these years. This desk just seemed to have a good feel to it – something from an earlier, better time.”

Nezumi nodded.

Across the hall was the bedroom. The large bed looked inviting with a sky blue comforter and white sheets. Other than a dresser and a chair with clothes draped over it, the room was on the spare side. Shion didn’t have much in the way of art, but he did have two very nice old botanical illustrations framed on the wall. Nezumi stopped to look at them.

“There’s a good used book store nearby,” Shion said.

“I saw it on the way here.”

“He’s been getting in prints and manuscripts as well as books. Now that people can travel more freely, and books aren’t confiscated at customs, we’re seeing more interesting things.”

Nezumi turned to Shion. “You did this, you know.”

“We did this, Nezumi,” he paused before adding, “and Safu. I could never have done it alone,”

Nezumi simply nodded and let his observation stand. He curled his toes in the soft carpet appreciating the clean, comfortable surroundings. He didn’t resent Shion for having a nice place. If things were as he suspected, there was probably better housing available for most people in the region now. He hoped to see it soon, but for now he just wanted to stand under a hot shower.

“Okay to shower?”

“Right down the hall.”

Nezumi started to leave the room, but stopped at the door and looked back over his shoulder. “Come with me?”

Because of Shion’s pale complexion, he couldn’t hide it when color heightened his cheeks. He blushed beautifully. “Yeah, sure.”

On the way to the bathroom Shion pulled a couple of towels from a linen closet in the hallway. “Have you eaten?” He asked.

“I stopped by your mother’s bakery on the way. She fed me.”

Shion seemed surprised. “That was kind of you. I’m sure she was happy to see you.”

“Well, it wasn’t out of kindness,” Nezumi laughed, “although I didn’t mind talking to her. She’s an interesting person. I was mainly driven there by hunger.”

"I’m glad she could help out.”

Shion opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. “There’s even a tooth brush here for you.”

Nezumi found it hard to believe how comforting and strange this felt at the same time. He knew it would be like this—like a wild animal being lured into domestication—but he had wanted it. He volunteered for it. He had lived for years needing no one, but now he felt a burning need to be with one person only and it was Shion. Home wasn’t a place, it was a person and, for him, Shion was home.

He wasn’t quite ready to admit that to Shion in those exact words, but he felt it nonetheless. He had returned because he couldn’t stand his own vacillating any longer. He would make a commitment and he would tie himself to this man. Any other path for him would lead to madness. He needed him that badly and had long ago acknowledged that this was a relationship he couldn’t sever. It was impossible to remain detached from Shion.

Nezumi gently closed the cabinet door and pulled Shion into a kiss, backing him against the counter. He was willing and pliable in his arms, yet he kissed back with an equal passion that ignited a spark of desire in Nezumi that banished all sense of fatigue. True to Shion’s character he would always try to give as good as he got.

Nezumi’s body felt as if it were stretched taut like a wire. He needed sleep, but Shion was right here. Sleep could wait.

There were so many things they would have to worry about to make this work, but they had both wanted each other for so long. They deserved a chance to indulge that longing. He didn’t yet know the full extent of how deeply Shion had been hurt, but he would try to do what he could to rebuild his spirit. He was grateful that Shion wasn’t completely broken. From what he had observed, and heard from his mother, he had come close to it.

Shion pushed his knee between Nezumi’s legs, forcing a groan from him, and then leaned back with an inviting smile on his face. “Shower?” he said. “We’re still in our clothes.”

“Good point.” Nezumi agreed, returning from his thoughts. “I’ll get undressed.”

Shion pulled him into the hallway. “Let’s put them in a pile out here. I have a feeling it’s going to get wet in there.”

________________________________________________________________

Even though they had just been tussling on the floor, Shion suddenly felt the enormity of Nezumi’s physical presence in his personal space. He was used to being alone for so long and now the constant object of his thoughts and dreams was filling the apartment with his movement, his voice, even his scent. It amplified every word and gesture between them.

Nezumi stood before him wearing a dove gray turtleneck that lightened his eyes. His face was open and his hands were outstretched; the very embodiment of recurring dreams Shion had over the years. He went to him and slid both hands under his shirt, running them smoothly up his sides before slipping it over his head.

Answering his movements, Nezumi unbuttoned Shion’s shirt before pulling it off with short, quick tugs. They scrambled out of their pants and Shion hurried to the shower, running the water at full blast until it was hot. They stepped into the tub and he drew Nezumi under the steamy shower. “Here. You go first. You need to unwind.”

“Ahhh,” Nezumi sighed appreciatively as he stood under the shower letting the hot water course through his hair and over his body, loosening his muscles. He turned to let the water wash over his face and chest.

Shion soaped up a wash cloth and scrubbed his back, carefully avoiding his scar, and then handed the soap to Nezumi so he could clean himself. Shion leaned against the cool tiles, watching while Nezumi worked up lather in clefts and hollows that he would have preferred to be exploring himself.

When Nezumi finished rinsing, he turned to face Shion. “Lean your back against my chest.” Shion complied and delighted in the delicious contact as hot water ran over and between their bodies. Nezumi reached around to rub the soap over his stomach and then, gliding it between his legs, washed him with slow circular strokes. He gasped, going weak in the knees, and let his weight fall against Nezumi.

“Now put your hands on the wall and lean forward,” Nezumi whispered in his ear. Shivers ran up Shion’s back at the raw intimacy of his voice. Soapy fingers slid easily between his cheeks, gently cleansing him. Shion arched his spine and threw his head back, wanting to rub himself against Nezumi’s hand. Much to his disappointment, Nezumi unhooked the hand shower and rinsed them both until all the soap was gone.

As they stepped out of the shower, Shion reached for a towel and started to dry his hair.

“Let me,” Nezumi said. Shion leaned into the towel as Nezumi briskly scrubbed his hair and then moved on to rub down his body.

“But you’re still dripping. You’ll get cold.” Shion grabbed the other fresh towel and draped it over Nezumi’s head so he could start drying himself.

“I’ll get these into the bedroom,” Shion said as he scooped up the clothes and headed down the hall.

Once Nezumi was dry he wrapped the towel around his hips and went to the living room to retrieve his backpack.

“Is that all you brought,” Shion asked when he dropped it next to the bed.

“I got rid of everything I didn’t need. I never really moved in. It was just a place to stay while I worked.”

Shion had already pulled the curtains to block some of the late morning sun and was now folding back the bed clothes and fluffing the pillows when Nezumi pressed against him from behind. A fluttering sensation rose in his chest as warm arms circled his waist. Their towels dropped, pooling at their feet.

Nezumi brushed kisses along the side of his neck and shoulder and Shion leaned into the growing hardness that pressed against the base of his spine. His skin, already flushed from the shower, tingled at every point of contact. Nezumi’s breathing quickened and tickled his ear as he reached around Shion and grasped his length.

“Oh god, Nezumi…” he gasped in surprise. Powerful emotions slammed into his heart and he tensed. Apprehension and arousal warred for dominance.

 _I’m fine_ , he told himself. _It’s just a normal startle reflex… Don’t let it spiral out of control..._ He took a deep breath and released it slowly through pursed lips.

“Shhh. Sorry I caught you off guard.” Nezumi returned his hands to Shion’s waist and held him close. “Too intense?” His breath caressed Shion’s neck. “There’s no hurry.”

“Yeah, it was intense, but it felt great, too. It surprised me and it’s just… I’ve imagined you doing this to me—here in this room—so many times, it kind of overwhelmed me. I’m not sure why.”

“I’ve got quite the image to live up to, don’t I? I hope I can compare.” Nezumi rubbed his back. “Let’s sit down.” They sat on the edge of the bed and he tenderly brushed Shion’s damp hair out of his face and pulled him close. “I can go as slow as we need.”

Shion voiced the words of reassurance he had just been thinking to himself. “We’re safe and we’re together. That’s all that matters for now.”

“Mm hmm,” Nezumi hummed into his hair and nuzzled the back of his ear.

Shion sighed and leaned into the warm arms that surrounded him. _Nezumi’s here. Don’t worry about anything else_. 

With a graceful sweep of his hand, Nezumi crooked a finger under Shion’s chin and turned his head to reach his lips. He kissed him tenderly, steadily, slowly pulling him into his rhythm. Shion was coaxed along by a tranquil even touch as Nezumi caressed his stomach with the flat of his palm, moving in slow smooth circles and making him moan low in the back of throat while being kissed.

Keeping his eyes locked on Nezumi’s, Shion lay back on the bed with his arms outstretched. Nezumi knelt on the floor in front of him. His warm hands slid up the sides of Shion’s thighs, over his taut stomach and over his chest. He massaged muscles Shion didn’t even know he had, causing his lover to groan and stretch under his touch.

“I made you wait too long, Shion. It’s a wonder someone else didn’t beat me to you.”

“I told you I wasn’t interested.”

“Yes, but people can be persuasive and you’re so trusting.” He continued kneading the muscles in Shion’s thighs and running his hands up to his chest in a slow calming journey.

“Not so trusting anymore. A few people approached me, but I told them I was interested in someone else. It was the truth.”

“Shion,” Nezumi’s eyes flickered with a momentary hesitation. “You know you’re beautiful, don’t you? I’m not trying to give you some line. Many people would find you attractive.”

Shion’s whole body flushed. His first impulse was to look away, but he didn’t, even though he felt his soul was laid open under Nezumi’s burning gaze.

Nezumi blinked and looked down, shaking his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say embarrassing things. I’m so sleep deprived right now I’m apt to say anything.”

“It’s alright,” Shion whispered, deeply moved by his words. He reached up and stroked his cheek and Nezumi turned to kiss his palm and smiled; a bright reassuring smile.

He carefully cradled the weight of Shion’s length in his hands and ran his tongue up the underside to take him fully in his warm mouth. Shion let his head fall back onto the mattress and focused all his attention on the exquisite sensation from Nezumi’s lips and tongue.

“Nezu…nngh. I might not last if you do that too long.”

He let go with a soft wet pop. “You’re right.” Nezumi sighed and lifted Shion’s legs onto the bed. As he followed, and lowered his weight onto him, their erections slid together, causing them both to cry out and grind into each other. Nezumi buried his hand in Shion’s hair and kissed him tenderly and purposefully. With a ragged breath he shifted his weight off to the side, next to Shion, and resumed their kiss.

Warm lips pressed fully against Shion’s. Graceful fingers brushed the inside of his thigh with a light touch and his knees fell open willingly, inviting more exploration. Answering the invitation, those same fingers grasped his erection once more, making Shion tremble at the touch. Nezumi firmly stroked him in sync with his tongue as it moved smoothly, back and forth over his own.

Desire washed over him, sharp yet undefined, as Shion raised his hips to meet Nezumi’s hand, losing himself in his insistent touch. He had envisioned them together in this bed for so long, it was hard to believe he wasn’t having another fevered dream. Shion hovered deliriously between fantasy and reality, willing himself to stay in the present and have faith that Nezumi wouldn’t disappear. He wanted to remember as much about this day as possible. It was a turning point for which he had waited far too long.

“Nezumi…” Shion’s voice felt strangled in his throat.

“What do you want?” Nezumi whispered close to his ear.

Indefinite desire instantly crystallized. Shion reached down, laying his right hand lightly over Nezumi’s, and guided it to his entrance. “I need to feel you inside of me.”

Gray eyes darkened. “You know, it’s going to hurt whether you’re ready or not.”

“I know, but it will pass. …at least that’s what I’ve read.” He mumbled.

“That’s my Shion,” Nezumi said. “A fountain of theoretical knowledge, untested in the field.”

“No, really. I’ve practiced with my fingers, just to get used to having something inside.” Shion blurted out his confession. “I know I can do this.”

Nezumi whistled low and long. “Shion… You…”

Shion shook his head and hushed him. “Please.”

Nezumi eyed him for a moment and then turned away. “Hold on a sec.” He reached into his backpack next to the bed and retrieved a small bottle of lubricant, laying it on the sheet next to them.

He stretched out next to Shion and propped himself up on his elbow. “You’ll need to be relaxed. I’m going to go slowly.”

Shion nodded, letting him take the lead.

Nezumi’s lips roamed across his chest and back to his mouth, all the while floating Shion on a rhythmic wave of touch with his hand. Shion was so comfortable he almost forgot himself in the flow and he whined softly when Nezumi pulled his hand away.

Nezumi rose up on his knees and knelt between Shion’s open legs. He squeezed the slippery liquid into his palm and rubbed his hands together.

He took Shion’s length gently in one hand, keeping his motions regular and even. Shion sighed and stretched his legs appreciatively. Nezumi’s fingers felt warm and sure, soothing him as much as they aroused.

“Bend your knees,” he instructed. Shion planted his feet on the mattress while Nezumi reached once more for the bottle. He carefully spread the liquid around Shion’s entrance, along with a generous amount for his fingers. Shion hardly noticed when he gently pressed the pad of one slippery finger against him. He kept Shion’s erection engaged with his other hand, lazily stroking his full length, distracting him patiently until Shion relaxed into the gentle pressure and his fingertip easily slipped in.

“Oh,” Shion voiced his new discovery. It was not the same as his own explorations at all. Nezumi was taking the utmost care and his advances reverberated through Shion’s body, firing delicate nerve endings with each centimeter. He squeezed his eyes closed and circled his hips to help Nezumi slip in deeper.

“Not too fast, Shion, give me a chance to find my way.”

Shion nodded, unable to answer.

Nezumi pulled out, squeezed more liquid on his fingers and returned, this time pressing up gently as he explored. He glanced up to meet Shion’s eyes, paying close attention to whether he was okay. Shion looked back and nodded reassuringly. He was nervous with anticipation and his shallow breathing seemed to fill the room. Gradually Nezumi found his bearings and curled his finger gently in a come hither gesture.

“Ah!” Shion squeezed his eyes shut. Nothing prepared him for the pleasurable wave that rippled through him.

Nezumi smiled and nodded, acknowledging the change. “I knew you’d like that.”

“More,” Shion said with a shaky breath.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

With careful, fluid movements, Nezumi continued easing in and out; gently opening him and gradually adding more fingers while Shion pushed against his hand and groaned.

“Nezumi,” Shion finally called out. “I think I’m ready. Now, please…”

When Nezumi removed his hand, and reached for the bottle one last time to coat himself, Shion felt his absence immediately.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Nezumi said, “but lift up and let me put a pillow under your hips. Trust me. It will help – with this being your first time. And you need to tell me if anything hurts.”

“Okay,” Shion answered. He didn’t mind the pillow and lifted his hips to help as Nezumi slipped it underneath. It was actually comfortable. He bent his knees toward his chest and lifted his feet up to improve the angle. Nezumi’s tip, slick and warm, pressed gently at his entrance.

“Shion,” Nezumi’s voice breathed his name like a tender caress. “You waited a long time for this. Just relax.” He took a deep breath. His thighs trembled with the effort of holding back, but he eased forward carefully, sliding just past Shion’s tight ring.

Shion held Nezumi’s arms and closed his eyes in concentration as he relaxed to take him in.

“Breathe, Shion. Don’t forget to breathe.”

His eyes opened and he nodded as he took in a cleansing breath and let it out in a slow, measured stream.

Shion rocked up against him, wanting to take him in further. Nezumi groaned, his voice enveloping them. “You’re so warm, Shion.” Nezumi took Shion’s face in his hands and kissed him, still holding himself still while Shion adjusted. With another ready tilt of Shion’s hips he slid slowly, steadily, further into the tightness.

“Ahhh” Shion cried beneath him. His skin flushed hot and cold and his heart was in his throat. Nezumi’s physique was average and nothing to be concerned about, but Shion had done his homework and knew exactly what the anatomical stresses were. Even while he tried to release his muscles he knew they were still going to resist until they adapted, so he pushed down gently and exhaled. There was nothing else to do but to relax as much as possible and get past it.

Nezumi took one of Shion’s hands in his and gave it a calming squeeze. His eyes conveyed nothing but love and concern. “You’ve endured a lot of pain for me. I can’t remove the pain from your past, and this will probably hurt a little before we’re done, but I can try to make it as easy as possible. That’s one thing I can do for you. I’ll try my best.”

His words went straight to Shion’s heart and undid him. Somehow, he doubted anyone had ever taken this much care and patience with Nezumi. Tears stung his eyes. His heart was overflowing with so much emotion he covered his eyes with his arm.

“No, it’s perfect,” Shion said through his tears. “It’s more discomfort than pain. Don’t worry about me. I’m not delicate.”

“Shion.” Nezumi touched his arm. “You never have to be ashamed of crying around me again. Look at me, please.”

He moved his arm to find a deep reassuring smile that made him feel like he could do anything. Nezumi was trying so hard for him. He had to let him know, even if it sounded trite.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Nezumi leaned in close and spoke softly, soothingly into Shion’s ear. “Keep breathing in and out. I’ve got you. We’ll keep taking it slowly. I’m not going anywhere. It will feel better soon.”

Shion nodded. He swallowed hard and breathed out.

Nezumi held him until he finally felt Shion’s body relax beneath him and then he easily slipped in the rest of the way. “Oh, god, Shion,” he whispered. “So tight.”

“Nezumi…” Shion clutched as his back.

Through a momentary haze, Shion heard Nezumi’s strangled voice. Even as he adjusted to the new sensation, he realized this was exactly what he had been waiting for - this simple physical connection.

What had been a sudden feeling of intrusion blossomed into a deep warmth that spread through his body bringing a sense of completion and wholeness. He could finally feel Nezumi’s warmth deep inside. It was glorious, healing, and joyful in ways that Shion never expected.

Nezumi was bent over his lover whispering his name. His skin was aglow with heat and he leaned shakily on the palms of his hands, holding back, letting Shion adjust.

“Nezumi… Feels good.” 'Good' couldn’t even begin to describe what it felt like or what it meant to him. He didn’t have the words. Instead he flung his feet around Nezumi’s waist and hooked his ankles, forcing him deeper inside. “Please,” he whispered.

No further coaxing was needed. Nezumi rolled his hips in slow rhythmic strokes, drawing long, low moans from Shion.

Shion’s skin glistened with a fine sheen of sweat. His panting breath was locked into Nezumi’s quickening pace as if each stroke into his body pushed air up and out of his lungs. He experimented with chasing this piercing new sensation without touching himself, but it eluded him and he finally grasped his own length with quick, rough strokes in unison with Nezumi.

Nezumi’s rhythm was becoming more erratic. He shook his hair out of his face, revealing storm cloud eyes that darkened as he watched. “Shion,” he rasped. Each thrust brushed over the very spot he had awakened earlier with his touch and pushed Shion closer to his goal.

Suddenly that one spot became the most sensitive place on Shion’s body and all of his thoughts and movements were focused on syncing with his lover’s movements as he stroked himself faster. “Nezumi…” he called out in breathless warning. His muscles pulled up tight, clenching his raven haired love, and unleashed a torrent of spasms that scattered his release across his stomach.

A rough cry tore from Nezumi’s throat and faded on his lips as he came. Shion felt him pulse deep inside, releasing a flowing heat that warmed his body and seared an impression on his heart that he would remember always.

He rocked gently against Nezumi’s hips, drawing out the last shivering waves for both of them until Nezumi withdrew and collapsed next to him. They lay beside one another, simply looking into each other’s eyes while their breathing returned to normal.

With a soft touch, Shion brushed the hair out of Nezumi’s face. He looked so tired and his eyelids were already fluttering shut. His face was strikingly beautiful in repose. Shion had just enough presence of mind to grab a towel off the floor and clean up before succumbing to the drowsiness that was settling on him like a warm blanket.

As Shion lay down, Nezumi stirred, and true to their nature, they reached for each other without thinking. They couldn’t help it. It was what they did. Even as they were drifting toward a deep, sated sleep, their bodies curled into one another and they held each other. And just as Shion was about to slip over the edge, he was almost certain he heard Nezumi whisper, ever so softly through a half-consciousness haze, "love you."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes some discussion about Nezumi’s sex life before Shion joined him in the West Block. Non-explicit. Non-canon. Made up for the story.

The bedroom was dark and quiet when Nezumi awoke.  There was a chill in the air, but Shion’s warmth radiated next to him under the covers.  He carefully crawled out of the bed without disturbing him.  He had no idea what time it was, but it felt like early evening.  He pulled on some clothes from his backpack and headed to the bathroom.  From there, hunger drew him to the kitchen where he turned on a light and was pleased to find cold roasted chicken and a pot of vegetable soup among other things in the refrigerator.  After making quick work of a chicken thigh, he thought he might wait for Shion before eating more.

According to the digital clock on the stove it was just after eight o’clock, so they had been asleep for about nine hours.  He understood why he had slept that long, but he wondered about Shion.  Maybe he hadn’t slept well the night before.  He seemed to be resting so peacefully Nezumi didn’t want to wake him.  Besides, it didn’t sound like he got that many days off.

The books in the living room looked inviting so he wandered over to peruse the shelves.  In spite of claiming to be rootless, the familiar volumes, mixed with Shion’s many new titles, gave him a nostalgic sense of home that he found surprising.  To some extent books reside in your head and heart and you take them with you wherever you go.  He also had access to many editions of the same titles in No. 5.  However these editions – well-thumbed, well-read, and some bound with ornate embossed buckram – were old friends.

He ran his fingertips over the spines and on a whim came to rest on an old copy of _The Little Prince_ by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.  He had been dismissive of it in his youth, thinking it to be too sentimental and not very substantial, but now he could understand its more philosophical side.

He pulled the book off the shelf and opened it.  Something about the story tickled his memory. There was a lamp next to the sofa so he snapped the switch on and sat down, pulling his feet up onto the cushion and resting the book on his bent knees.

He turned the pages, taking in the old water color illustrations, and then, there it was…  The section he had been thinking about.

_"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."_

_"I am a fox," the fox said._

_"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."_

_"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."_

_"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince._

_But, after some thought, he added:_

_"What does that mean--'tame'?"_

_"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow..."_

_The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time._

_"Please--tame me!" he said._

“Nezumi?”  Shion called from the hallway.

His concentration broken, he looked up to find Shion standing in the doorway.  Tousled hair framed his sleepy face in silvery disarray.  He was wearing a t-shirt and sleep pants with a blanket around his shoulders.

 _Tame, indeed_ , he thought to himself.  Even though it ran counter to all his beliefs as he was growing up, he could see clearly now that he was tamed by Shion long ago.  He had just been resisting it.

“Are you cold?” Shion asked.

“Not really.  I haven’t been up long.”

“You should have woken me.” Shion joined Nezumi on the couch and tossed the blanket over his knees making a little tent between them.

“You looked like you needed the sleep,” he said as he reached behind the sofa and slipped the book back onto the shelf.

“I guess I did.  I hardly slept at all last night.  I was too excited.”

“I thought so.”  Nezumi touched Shion’s cheek lightly.  “How are you feeling?”

“Your fingers are cold, after all,” Shion scolded.

“I’m comfortable enough.  You didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m fine, Nezumi.  A little sore, but none the worse for wear.  You were very patient.”

“Good.  You really can’t be too careful.  I’ve seen some rough things in my time.”

Shion looked at him quizzically then picked up Nezumi’s hand, turned it over and kissed his palm while looking up at him through his bangs.

Nezumi’s mouth went dry and he thought he should change the subject.  “Um, aren’t you hungry?  It’s been hours since either of us ate a decent meal.”

Shion raised a cheeky eyebrow.  “Let me get some food.  We can eat at the table.”  He went to the kitchen and prepared a couple of plates with sliced chicken and bread, and heated up the vegetable soup from the refrigerator.

Nezumi followed and watched him from a chair by the table.  Shion’s movements were confident and quick.  He knew his way around a kitchen by now, that was evident.

“This might warm you up,” he said as he placed a hot bowl of soup in front of Nezumi.

He took an appreciative sip of broth and nodded.  “Not bad.  Made from scratch.  I approve.”

“Everything’s cheaper if you can cook – at least the basics.  That’s one of the many things I learned from you.  Plus, I just like it better.”

Nezumi nodded as he spooned up more soup.  “How many days do you have off?”

“Five.  Then I volunteer at the community health clinic in Rose Town on Saturday and then back to my job on Monday.”

“Impressive.  A whole week.”

“They owe me,” Shion said.  "I’ve worked like a dog for years.  Sure I took a few days here and there, but I never had anything I really wanted to take time off for.  Now I do.”  He grinned widely. “I’m going to stay up late and sleep strange hours and spend time with you.”

“Am I to be held captive here?” Nezumi asked, holding the back of his hand to his forehead with great dramatic flair.

“We will only emerge from our den when necessary for supplies,” Shion replied conspiratorially.

“I see,” Nezumi observed.  “So I am to be pressed into service for your personal pleasure?”

Shion gaped and blushed.  “No!  Of course not.  I didn’t mean it that way.”

“To bad,” he lifted his eyebrows as he tore off a piece of bread.  “I was looking forward to it.”

“It’s no use.  I’m no match for your wit,” Shion said.

“Oh, you’ll do.  You have other ways of amusing.”

Shion just shook his head and smiled.

When they finished eating, they took the dishes to the kitchen and Nezumi helped with the washing.

“I know we slept a long time,” Shion said, “but it’s warmer in the bedroom and I want to sit up and talk.  Bring a book if you’d like.”

“No, that’s okay,” Nezumi said as he followed.  They climbed into bed, pulled the covers up and leaned against the headboard.

“What’s on your mind, Shion?  You’re practically bursting with something.  I can tell.”

“I do have a question.”

“Well, out with it.”

“Okay,” Shion began.  “I’ve looked at anatomical illustrations and read about male sexual response, but, Nezumi, how do you know how to _do_ that.  I mean, you know the right pressure to use and everything."

Nezumi rolled his eyes.  “Do you have to describe it like that?  I know you’re capable of feeling passion.  Perhaps you can learn to talk about it someday as well.”

The admonition rolled off Shion with no impact.  “I’m just curious how you learned to be so attuned to touch and response.  I want to learn, but I think I have a long way to go.  I do have a great memory, you know, so if you teach me you’ll get a good return on your investment of time.”

“Shion, it’s not as if you’re bad at it or anything.  You’ll get more practice.  It’s like most things in life.  When you really look at it closely it’s messy and it doesn’t always work and you have to make the best you can out of it. Other times it feels like you’re flying. Besides, what are you worried about?  It’s not some kind of race.”

“No, but you’ve got such a head start on me.  I mean, how early did you even begin?”

“Let’s just say, unlike some people, the first time I was pulled into an alleyway by a prostitute, I didn’t say no.  It cost me, and I didn’t eat that day, but it led to some interesting insights.”

“You slept with one of those women?”

“Yes.  Well, she wasn’t predatory like the one that got hold of you.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say she was kind.  I was really young and she took a liking to me and for a few weeks she would sometimes sneak me in for free when it was slow.  Sometimes we had sex, sometimes we just talked.  She was older than me, but I don’t think she was even twenty yet.  She fed me on occasions if I ran errands for her.  I knew as well as she did that it was basically opportunistic on both our parts, but she was very gentle with me.  I still don’t know why she did it, but I figured she was getting something out of it.  That was a situation where I thought I knew what I was doing, and learned really fast that I had no idea.”

“Is that where you lost your virginity?”

“Geez, you’re going to make me spell it out for you!”  Nezumi tsk’d and shook his head.

“Well, yeah,” Shion said. “How else would I know for sure?”

“Yes,” he finally admitted.  “Maybe she thought I was cute because I was so young and it brought out her maternal instinct or something.  I don’t know, but I’d say it was worth it in the long run.  Eventually the older woman who ran the place found out and I was kicked out and told never to come back.  It was quite the education while it lasted.”

“How old were you?”

“Thirteen going on fourteen.”

“I’m sure she liked you because you were such a beautiful boy.”

Nezumi looked at him quizzically.

“Well, it’s true.  Don’t be coy.  You know it as well as I do. You use it in your work, so you can’t say you’re not aware of it.”

“No, I can’t,” Nezumi agreed, “but hearing it from you is different.”

“Of course I know you’re beautiful,” Shion said in that breathtakingly forthright way of his.  “You were as a boy and you still are now.”

“Yeah, well…”  Nezumi turned his face away, unsure of what to say to all that.

Shion paused in thought.  “That’s an amazing story, by the way.”

“What’s amazing about that?   I can imagine any number of young men, present company excluded, who would have jumped at the same chance if it was offered.”

“Yes, but you turned it to your advantage in an environment where there were no advantages.  You observed everything and stored it away for use.”

“I can just see your imagination weaving some kind of gauzy imagery around this.  It wasn’t all pretty.  Prostitutes, men and women, live a hard life.  I saw enough to know I didn’t want anything to do with that kind of life.”

Shion pulled absent-mindedly on the edge of the sheet. “Nezumi, I know it irritates you when I ask about your past, but maybe now, after all this time, you could tell me a little more about it.  I want to know about some of the people in your past.  I’d like to know about your sex life.”

“What difference does it make?  I’m here now.”

“I know, but it’s a part of who you are and I want to know.  It also seems a little unfair.  You know all about my experience and I don’t know anything about yours.”

“That’s because you don’t have any.” Nezumi poked him in the ribs and Shion drew back.

“I don’t see what there is to hide anymore,” he muttered.

“Shion,” Nezumi grasped his wrist and captured his eyes with his own.  He spoke with severity and measured patience.  “You must know by now there are some things that lie so deep within us that we can hardly look at them ourselves, much less share them with others.”

Once again, those molten eyes took his breath away.  It was one of those moments when Shion felt Nezumi’s words go directly to his core.

“Of course I understand,” he said, not backing down.  “I understand completely.  I only mean that when and if you’re ready to tell me I want to hear it.  I know there must be painful things, I don’t expect to hear everything, and I don’t want to force you either, but I want you to tell me whatever you can, willingly.  I can’t help how I feel.”

“You can’t help how you feel?  And that makes everything alright?  God, Shion.  After all this time you’d think you might know me a little better.  Do you think I want to expose all of that?  Do you know how much effort it takes for me to even admit this much to you?”

“Yes, I think I do and I think you’ll feel better after you tell me.”

“That’s a pretty arrogant assumption on your part and it makes you sound like you’re playing amateur psychologist.  You’ve always been like a dog with a bone about my past.”  Nezumi looked away and dropped Shion’s wrist.  He seriously considered his request.  “Let me think about it.”

“Okay.”  Shion leaned back against the pillows, with his hands clasped behind his head, and ceased to press his case.

Nezumi lay down next to him in silence and stared at the ceiling.  He didn’t know why Shion was getting under his skin with this.  There wasn’t any practical reason to keep it from him at this point.  He didn’t think Shion would use it against him, but these were the kinds of things that were deeply entwined with his survival over the years.  It was never an option to admit where your vulnerabilities were, especially around sex.

Before Shion, sex had been many things to Nezumi, but it was never love.  How could he possibly explain this to Shion, for whom sex was all about love?  He even came to him as a virgin—saving himself only for him—something Nezumi never had any reason to think about for himself and, if he had, never would have expected anyone to do for him.

Actually, he had never considered the significance of Shion’s choice before.  Nezumi assumed Shion waited for him because of his obsessive feelings for him.  It hadn’t occurred to him that it might also be something that Shion did _for_ him.

Nezumi turned his head to look at Shion.  “Do you care about things like purity and fidelity?”

“I don’t know about purity, but I think fidelity is important once you’ve given yourself to someone.  I guess that’s a form of purity.”

“And is that how you see yourself?” He propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Shion on the pillow. “That you’ve given yourself to me?”

“Of course. What else do I have to give? I don’t think of myself as pure, though. I can always try to be there for you when you need me, but sometimes that’s not enough. I want to give you my body and my heart.  I mean, I want you, too, but yes, I’m giving myself to you.”  His eyes reflected the utmost sincerity.

Nezumi had actually grown somewhat fond of the way Shion spilled his feelings so freely at times.  “I see you can still say those kinds of things so transparently.”

Shion just shrugged and continued to meet his eyes.

It was honestly moving, yet that feeling warred with other impulses that arose from far deeper in Nezumi’s experience.

_This person was protected while he grew up.  He never had to worry about people overpowering him and taking his body by force.  He never had to choose whether to trade his body for food or money or simply for warmth._

Nezumi thought back, reaching almost to the point where his memories started to unravel.  He probably had been a beautiful child. And, yes, he was innocent at one time.  That much he knew because he remembered how shocking it was the first time someone grabbed him against his will and held him up against a wall. Someone bigger and stronger, with squalid breath and coarse hands.  Some of the things people said about him were true; he  _was_  lucky.  It was the first time someone tried to forcibly take his body.  He didn't see it coming, but the guy was so shit-faced drunk he couldn't stand up straight.  Because of that, and only that, Nezumi was able to get away.  After he lost his family, his new life was much more than dealing with scarcity, scrounging for food and fuel and a place to sleep.  It was dangerous.

Old resentments welled up inside.  For a moment he wanted to lash out at Shion with bitter words, but he bit his tongue.

When Shion used to be so openly innocent and straight-forward it irritated Nezumi because he couldn’t believe someone could be that sheltered and naïve.  Now it was irritating because it reminded him of all the things that were taken from him in his own life.

He’d been over this in his mind time and time again.  Shion did not embody the evils of No.6 just because he benefited from the luxuries and safety it had to offer.  Shion couldn’t help where he was born any more than Nezumi could.  When he got down to the truth of what he actually felt, he was humbled by such a precious gift from Shion, but he wasn’t sure if he should acknowledge it or even how he would go about doing so.

There were many disconnects that Nezumi experienced since No.6 fell.  His personal war ended at that time.  It left him rudderless.  For the last year or so, Nezumi had started to wonder if this might be how soldiers felt at the end of a war.  Is this what it’s like when they realize the skills they relied on for survival in a combat zone no longer served them well in peacetime?  When he compared his life now to when he lived in the West Block for all those years, it seemed to Nezumi as if all the rules had changed and he was navigating a shifting landscape.

“Nezumi… what is it?” Shion sat up and took his hand.  “You’re miles away.”

He trusted Shion more than any living person.  There was a time when he thought his weakness for Shion would be the death of him, but it wasn’t.  Shion had been his salvation.  He couldn’t tell him everything—there were times when things had gotten too ugly for Nezumi to want to dwell on—but he could tell him some of it. After all, he already knew more than anyone else.

“Okay, just so I don’t leave you with the impression that I was some kind of brothel pet, I’ll tell you a few other things.”  He sat up, facing Shion with his ankles crossed in front of him.  “When I was younger than I care to think about, I had some unpleasant encounters with guys like that Disposer you ran into.  I was good at getting away, but they were too damned close.  That’s why I learned to use a knife as soon as I could.”

Shion winced at the thought.  It was one of many things that had happened to Nezumi that he couldn’t do anything about.

Nezumi tossed his bangs out of his eyes.  “As in most societies, sex in the West Block was many things to many people, but in that place, at that time, it was usually a commodity.  Understand?  Something to trade for money or goods.”

Now that Shion had asked he was bound to listen to the answer, no matter what. “I understand,” he answered.

“Before I was old enough to understand what I was really getting myself into—way before I met you—I considered trading sexual favors for money.  I had been asked enough times by older men.  The idea was nothing new to me.  The problem was, I really didn’t understand what it was about.  Once we got started, and I realized what he wanted, I kicked and clawed and got away as fast as I could.  I was lucky to escape alive.  I guess I’ve had a knack for getting out of tight situations.  That’s the kind of thing people can get killed for.  Regardless of what that asshole Rikiga assumed about me, I decided then and there that if I was going to make money with my body, it would be on my terms.  They could look, but not touch.”

“You mean on the stage, right?”

“Yeah, pretty much.  When I grew bigger, and could defend myself, I started singing in the street for coins and could attract a fair crowd most days.  Eventually I went to the theater where I wound up working.  The manager heard me sing and hired me on the spot.  I was lucky.  The money wasn’t great, but it was better than anything else available and I enjoyed the work.  You might say that’s where I grew up.

“As I got older the theater presented its own mine field of sexual adventure.  I had a few brief encounters where I learned what was what, but mostly I kept my distance.  Best not to get too involved with people you’re going to be working with.  There were also persistent people at the stage door.  Some were beautiful and seductive.  I had a few flings before I settled down and realized I had to keep my feet on the ground.  I was a pubescent teenager with raging hormones after all and even I’m human…”

Shion stirred and leaned forward. He looked up at Nezumi from under his eyelashes, his voice sounded uncertain, “Male and female?”

Nezumi hesitated.  Would Shion hate him?  He looked at him hard, trying to decide the effect of his answer, but since he asked, he thought he should hear.  “Yeah. Male and female.”

Shion exhaled the breath he had been holding. “It will be tough to compare to that.”

“Shion you’re not competing with anyone.  You’re just who you are.”

“Did you love them?”

“Shion!  Nothing is enough for you, is it?”  He was going to keep prying and digging until there was nothing left.

“Why is it so hard?” Shion said.  “I don’t hold you responsible for what you did.  I wasn’t really part of your life then.”

“Then why do you care?”

“Because I want to know about you.  It’s as simple as that.”

Nezumi closed his eyes and breathed deeply.  This was another reason why Shion was terrifying _and_ annoying.  Always wanting to know about things he wasn’t fully prepared to look at himself.  Things he wasn’t proud of or things he wasn’t ready to give up.  Still, he felt bound to answer even though it was like jumping off a cliff with nothing below to catch him.

“No,” he said very softly.  “No, I didn’t love them.  It was a diversion, it was sexual release.  It was something to make me feel alive—make me feel anything—but it always backfired.  I always came away feeling emptier than before.  I never let them get close.  I couldn’t let them get close.” He looked at Shion searchingly.

“I’m listening,” Shion reassured.

Nezumi’s voice dropped almost to a whisper and he touched Shion’s face.  “None of them were you…”

Shion gasped.

Nezumi abruptly looked away.  “That’s as far as I can go.”

He had no idea he was going to say that.  Nezumi knew full well he loved Shion at this point.  Back when they lived together in the West Block he never would have called his feelings for Shion love.  He was too adept at pushing that thought away.  He was, however, aware that the boy had a mysterious hold over him since they first met and it had shaped his imagination and his personality in ways that had baffled him.  Even if he couldn’t think of it as love then, it still was strong enough to make his encounters with others come up short.

“After saying something like that, at least let me respond,” Shion protested.  He pulled Nezumi down on the bed and embraced him.  “Just let me do this, okay?”  Lying on their sides, arms and legs entwined, Shion spoke softly.

“I apologize.  You were right.  Some things need to be kept to yourself.  I think I can see that what I keep asking for would lay you completely bare to me and that’s not fair to anyone.  I thought it might help you, but I was only thinking about myself.  If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last four years, it’s the need to move on in spite of memories that won’t fade no matter what we do.  I’ll hear anything else you want to say to me, whenever you want, but not until you’re ready.  I won’t pry.”

“So, that means you’ll back off?”

“Yes, I won’t push so much.  You told me a lot today.  Thank you.”  Shion kissed him and snuggled into this side and seemed satisfied.

Nezumi relaxed into the mattress, with his hand resting on Shion's hair, and sighed. He loved Shion, but he could be such a funny guy sometimes. So persistent—and Nezumi knew exactly what he was getting into when he came back—but he was prepared to see it through. Now, more so than ever.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The days and nights that followed flowed together like deep currents in a slow moving river.  Shion kept no schedule and Nezumi fell in right alongside him.  They had never experienced the luxury of simply enjoying each other for such a long time with no external demands or threats. 

They lazed in bed, read to each other, went for long walks, slept, cooked and ate when they wanted, and best of all, made love whenever and as often as they wanted.  Early on Saturday morning, when Shion reminded him of where he had to go, Nezumi had forgotten all about it.  “Do you want to come with me to the community clinic today?” he asked.

Nezumi lifted his head heavily from the pillow and shook his hair out of his face.  “Of course I’ll come along,” he said with a groggy voice as he gradually recalled Shion mentioning this at the beginning of the week.  “I’m actually more curious about what changes have occurred in Rose Town than No.6.”

“There’s a commuter train that runs to the market district.” Shion said.  “We’re up in plenty of time to make it if we get moving.”

He hardly remembered washing and dressing, but Nezumi was ready before Shion and they arrived at the station with time to spare.  As they approached the old city center, Nezumi barely knew the area.  Rose Town itself was almost unrecognizable.

There was extensive new construction in the areas of worst destruction from the last hunt. Many existing buildings had been renovated and other improvement projects were still underway.  Some of it was cosmetic, but much of it was structural.  It had a completely different feel.  There were new street signs, sidewalks had been repaired and a massive tree planting effort had helped to re-landscape the barren slopes approaching No.6 as well as line the new sidewalks with street trees for shade.

When they stepped off the train onto the platform, Nezumi was still getting used to the idea that he had just traversed the distance between the two cities normally.  No gates, no barriers, and people were obviously encouraged to go back and forth with train lines connecting the various districts.

“Lead the way, Shion.  I recognize the layout, but I don’t know this place anymore.”

“I’ll take you past the school on the way to the clinic.”

“Do you mean the abandoned school building where people slept and tore out the wood for fuel?”

“That’s the one.  People stripped a lot of the woodwork, flooring and siding, but the framing was intact and better quality than any lumber we could get today.  The building was completely remodeled.”

“Hmm,” Nezumi said noncommittally as they hurried along.

The first thing Nezumi noticed, as they walked down the block next to the school, was the laughter of kids playing on the playground.

“It’s Saturday, but the neighborhood kids like to use the playground equipment,” Shion said.  “What do you think?”  He sounded nervous, as if he expected a harsh critique.

What had struck Nezumi since they had arrived, more than the architectural and landscaping improvements, was the look in people’s eyes as he passed them on the street.  They were no longer haunted with the bleak look of desperation that had been the norm for residents ever since he could remember.  He especially noticed the absence of visible hunger.  He used to be able to spot the signs of malnutrition in children; the stunted growth, skin problems and hair like straw.  On the farthest outskirts of town, especially in winter, you could always see some people who were starving.  It had gotten to the point where he could tell when someone was close to death from their appearance.  

He hated it, but he had also learned at an early age to steel himself against the pity he felt.  He remembered wanting to share his food with other children when he was young, but that impulse was quickly crushed by the woman who raised him.  There was no room for pity and charity in a place where survival was your first priority.

All the kids he’d seen on the streets, and the ones playing here, looked healthy.  That in itself was an incredible victory for these people.  These were the lucky ones.

“This is excellent work, Shion.” Nezumi turned and met his eye.  “You must have pushed for feeding programs here right away to have turned things around so quickly.  The markets must be getting goods and, I don’t know how employment is, but people are obviously eating.”

“I did push for assistance in the beginning, but it wasn’t hard to get support.”  Shion seemed to relax as he continued to talk.  “When the truth became public, especially the experimentation and the hunts, many people stepped forward to help with aid and development here.  People were sincerely shocked.  It might be difficult to excuse their ignorance—and you and I both know many citizens were complicit—but once word got out, public opinion shifted drastically.  Saving lives became the top priority.”

They continued on their way, walking at a brisk pace.  Shion had his hands shoved in his pockets and he was walking purposefully.  Nezumi could envision him making this trip on a regular basis.  It was obviously a part of his regular routine now.

As they neared the clinic, Nezumi spotted a clean, functional new building situated in a central location.  There was a small plaza in front with trees for shade and benches where people could gather or wait for patients.

“I’m only a volunteer assistant,” Shion said as they crossed the plaza.  “I’ve had training and I can take care of basic things, but I can’t practice medicine.  The doctors take care of the serious problems and trained volunteers like me help to keep costs down.  I haven’t had time for medical school so I’m not licensed, although I’ve seriously considered it.  After going through their training program, I assure you, what I do now is not just based on something I've read in a book.”

“Well, I was your guinea pig.  I should know what you’re capable of just based on reading,” Nezumi said, “and it was pretty amazing considering that I’m still standing here.” 

Shion’s smile was tinged with sadness.  “I just got you to the doctor.  We really owe him,” he said as he reached out and squeezed Nezumi’s hand.

Nezumi nodded and they paused in front of the building.  “There was nothing like this when I left,” Nezumi said.  “Now there's a new clinic and trained medical staff to serve the local population.  It’s amazing.”

“There’s no hospital yet,” Shion said, “but there is ambulance service and if it’s a non-emergency, transportation is dependable enough to get people to the closest hospital in No.6."

As they passed through the lobby, the receptionist greeted Shion in a familiar, friendly manner and waved him over to the desk.  Left on his own, Nezumi continued past the reception desk to the waiting area where there were already six people waiting.  It was an open room with clusters of comfortable places to sit and there seemed to be enough people to get the morning off to a busy start.

One person, whose face was slightly turned away at the moment, caught his eye.  Of all the people he didn’t want to see at that moment, Inukashi was looking at a book with a small boy – about four years old by his appearance.  The boy was sitting calmly next to Inukashi with a large placid dog curled up at his feet.

He almost turned to leave, but just in that instant, Inukashi looked up and spotted him.  She now looked like the young woman Nezumi had always known she was.  She was wearing pants, but they were cut for a woman and she was wearing a fitted blouse, not some ragged shirt.

It had always fascinated him how just a few little changes in behavior or dress could shift people’s perception of gender a few degrees one way or the other.  Nezumi was more adept at exploiting this knowledge than most.

Inukashi left the book with the boy and walked across the room.  “Here he is in the flesh.  The great Nezumi.”

Nezumi pushed down an urge to growl.

“Hi, Shion,” Inukashi called across the room, but Shion could only wave distractedly while he was going over the schedule with the woman at the front desk.

“I heard you were back,” Inukashi refocused on Nezumi, “and I thought Shion might bring you to the clinic this weekend.  I was right on the money.”

“Isn’t that what you were always right on?” Nezumi responded.

Inukashi ignored him.

“Mama, who’s this?”  The boy had walked over quietly and was studying Nezumi with intense interest.

“Mama?”  Nezumi said, questioningly.

Shion, having just appeared next to him, quickly pulled him aside.  “It’s the baby we tied to the back of Inukashi’s dog the day of the hunt,” he said in a low voice.  “The same dog that’s across the room.”

Nezumi glanced at the dog and nodded.  He then looked back at Inukashi whose eyes were glinting as if challenging him to dare say a word about it.

“Shionn,” Shion turned back to the boy. “This is Nezumi.”

“Shion?” Nezumi muttered quizzically under his breath.

Shion shrugged.  "It's spelled a little differently."

“I’ve heard of you,” Shionn said.  “You have the smart mice.”

“Yes, I do,” Nezumi said kneeling down on one knee to talk to the brown haired boy at his level, “but I don’t have them with me right now.”

Little Shionn nodded gravely.  “I know Tsukiyo.  Can I meet his friends?”

“I think that would be easy to do sometime.”

That made Shionn smile.  Then he turned to Inukashi, “Can I go color Mama?  I saw crayons and paper. Next to the fish tank.”

“Go ahead,” Inukashi answered, “but we’ll be seeing the doctor soon.”

“I’m impressed,” Nezumi said while standing up.

“Don’t start with me Nezumi.”

“No, I’m serious.  He looks like a great kid.  Healthy and well cared for.”

Inukashi’s expression was less combative, but still cautious.

“At least he didn’t try to shake my hand and stab me with assassin’s ring,” Nezumi said.  “That’s an improvement.”

“In case you didn’t notice he didn’t try to shake your hand at all.  He knows better than to get chummy with strangers.”

“Um, play nice if you can,” Shion interrupted.  “I have to start my shift, Nezumi.  If you’re still here later on, I’ll show you around when I get a break.”

Nezumi caught his eye and nodded.  He folded his arms and watched Shion as he walked away.

After Shion left, Inukashi continued.  “So, you’re staying at Shion’s?”

“Yes,” Nezumi said warily.

“I never thought I’d see the day when you were a kept man.”

“I pay my own way,” Nezumi snapped.  “And what difference does it make to you anyway?”

“You stayed away too long, Nezumi.  You almost broke him.  He’s human, too, you know.  Making him take on the burden of rebuilding a city as if it were some kind of personal debt to his old girlfriend and that dead doctor… and you, I might add.  That was too much for anyone to do alone.”

Nezumi winced inwardly.  As if he hadn’t said the same things to himself many times.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” Nezumi said.  “You aim right for the jugular just like your dogs.  And for the record, I didn’t make him do anything.  Shion accepted that challenge on his own terms.”

“Are you kidding?  You know as well as I do that he takes everything you say dead seriously and you told him he had a job to do here.”

“They were the ones who left everything in his hands.  I _reminded_ him he had a job to do here.  It was important to him.  He wanted to make good on those promises he made to Safu and that doctor who mentored him.  He would have regretted it if he had run away.”

“Whatever,” she said with a sudden show of disinterest.  “I guess that’s between you two to work out now that you’re back.”

Nezumi’s face betrayed his surprise.  He was expecting an argument.

“Don’t worry, Nezumi, “Inukashi sneered.  “It doesn’t matter to me one way or another whether you’re here or not, but it does matter to Shion.  He’s good at what he does and I’m glad he’s involved with rebuilding the city.  That’s how we got this clinic.  Now that you’re here, see if you can help him find some balance.  He gets so caught up in his work sometimes there doesn’t seem to be anything else in his life.  After you were gone for so long I was starting to think that he was really going to lose it.”

That was the second time someone in Shion’s sphere had appealed to Nezumi for help with his emotional stability.  He wasn’t even sure he could help himself.  He would be there for Shion, there was no question of that, but he still wondered what he could actually do.

“His mother can only do so much,” Inukashi continued.  “I will say she’s been really good to us.  Kept us in food when there wasn’t much to go around after the wall fell.  Those were hard times for everyone, even for those who had been living well up until then.  It was pretty chaotic.  People had to pull together and forget about inside and outside the wall.

“Folks around here were so outraged over the hunt, and then finding out what was done to all those people, it was natural to expect a widespread revolt.  West Block people wanted revenge, but that’s where Shion really shined.  He convinced everyone we had to work together.  I mean, it’s pretty obvious, but most people can’t see further than their noses.  Where else are we gonna go?  It’s here or nowhere.  We’d better learn to live together or else.  Shion was able to remind folks of that.

“Some idiots still wanted to grab power and hoard all the resources—either for former elites or for the black market—but Shion kept exposing that kind of thinking for what it was, over and over again, and people listened to him¸ because he’s just that kind of person.  Even influential citizens from No.6, who you might think would’ve tried to crush him, really listened to him.  The threat of those international sanctions helped, too.  We weren’t going to get very far if people just turned around and rebuilt the same kind of system we had before.”

“How is little Shionn doing?”  The nurse had come out to call Inukashi for her appointment. “I see he’s here for vaccines and a checkup today.”

“He’s doing fine.  He’s eating everything in sight and growing like a weed,” Inukashi said.  “Shionn,” she called.  “It’s time to see the doctor.  You can color later at home.”

She turned back to Nezumi before leaving.  “You can do things for him that the rest of us can’t.  Just remember that.  You can make a difference.  I don’t know if he’d admit it, but I think he needs you like he needs air.”  And then she turned and followed the nurse who was already walking down the hall holding little Shionn’s hand. 

Nezumi was speechless.  He slumped into one of the chairs and stared at the giant fish tank across the room contemplating what he had just heard.

Inukashi had always been so damned unsettling and she was no less so today.  He couldn’t dismiss everything she said because she had made some valid points.  His bond with Inukashi was one of shared experience.  They had both grown up in No.6’s garbage dump and understood it for what it was.  He couldn’t deny she saw things from a perspective Nezumi understood first hand. 

Left alone in the waiting room, Nezumi began to feel restless and thought he’d start to explore on his own.  He followed a sign down the hall to the pharmacy.  There was a small waiting room where an elderly man and a teenage girl sat waiting for their prescription.  A young woman carrying a baby on her hip was being helped at the counter.  Nezumi spotted a magazine, picked it up, and leaned against the wall to flip through the articles.

A tall, leafy potted plant screened the spot where he was standing, but the large window behind the counter gave a full view of the dispensary.  A brown haired man in his thirties was filling prescriptions.   His white lab coat was jarringly bright under the work lights.  Somehow, watching him seemed more entertaining than the magazine, but Nezumi continued to turn the pages as if he were reading.  He’d never seen this procedure up close and couldn’t help being curious.  The pharmacist’s movements were careful, as would be expected, and he was methodical about where everything went; double checking labels on bottles against the labels on the shelves.

He also looked over the paperwork carefully as he worked.  It struck Nezumi that the pharmacist kept turning to look at the receptionist to see what she was doing.  Nezumi watched as the pills went into a tray, were counted out and then put in the bottle.  Next the bottle was set aside with paperwork.

This all seemed normal.  He retrieved another large jar of pills and started the process over again, however this time he counted pills into two bottles and when he was done, one of them disappeared into his lab coat pocket.

When he finally finished, he put the last order through the cut-out in the window and told the receptionist he was stepping out for a minute.  The bottle that went into his pocket never reappeared.

Feeling he had nothing better to do, and intensely curious by now, Nezumi followed him out of the building at some distance.  When he stepped outside he was just in time to see the pharmacist handing off the bottle to a beautiful young woman with red hair.  His first inclination was not to get involved—it never paid to be too interested in other people’s shady dealings—but as soon as he considered the consequences for the clinic he was spurred to act.  Suddenly and silently he approached them.

“You might not want to be skimming drugs from a community clinic.” He spoke quietly, knowing exactly how menacing his voice could be when he did that.  The redhead gasped.  She clutched the bottle and ran.

“What’s it to you!”  The pharmacist whirled on him.  He took one threatening stepped forward, only to stop short when he noticed that Nezumi had calmly stepped toward him.  Nezumi’s gray eyes narrowed with a hard glint that conveyed an unmistakable warning.

“Personally I couldn’t care less what you do on your own time, but people depend on this clinic.  If you jeopardize its license you put all the people in this area in danger.  That’s not acceptable.  Understand?”  He was just about to emphasize his point with a slightly more obvious show of his knife when he heard the door open behind him.

“Nezumi?” Shion called out.  “What’s going on?  I was looking for you.”

“Nothing,” Nezumi’s voice shifted seamlessly into a most cordial tone.  “I was looking around and we were just having a chat about the building.”

The pharmacist looked shaken and headed back inside.

“Nice place you’ve got here,” Nezumi said.  “I can think of many people who might have had a fighting chance if something like this existed when I lived here.”

Shion seemed not to notice anything unusual.  “It was the first building project I got put through for Rose Town.  The community has been enormously supportive.”

“I can imagine.  This is one of the best things to happen here in recent history.”

“The waiting room has really filled up.” Shion said.  “It looks like I’m not going to get a break and I wanted to let you know.”

“No problem.”  Nezumi said easily.  “I’ll head back.  You have your shift to finish.”

________________________________________________________________

When Shion got home that evening he found Nezumi reading on the sofa with one leg slung over the armrest.  Nezumi put his book down and turned his attention to Shion. “Welcome back.”

Shion handed Nezumi a bag from the pharmacy. 

“What’s this?”

“It’s an anesthetic cream for your back,” Shion said.  “Eventually we can get you to a doctor.  There are various things that can be tried to shrink the scar tissue.  In the meantime, this may help keep it supple and reduce pain.  You never talk about it, but I know it hurts.”

Nezumi reached into the bag and examined the label on the tube.  “We never had access to any significant medical supplies when I was little.  It just had to heal on its own.”  He placed the medication on the table quietly and looked at Shion.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Rough shift?” Nezumi asked as he leaned back against the cushions.

“No, not really.  Just busy.  No serious emergencies.”

Shion collapsed on the sofa and stretched his arms over his head.  “I’m a little tired.”   After a few moments he turned his head and studied Nezumi.

“What?”  Nezumi asked.  “You’re staring at me.”

“You probably think I don’t know what’s going on at the clinic, but I do.  As much as I appreciate your gesture, we’re handling it.”

“Oh, so you caught that little detail.”

“We’ve known about him for weeks,” Shion said.  He’s a new employee and he’s not that good at hiding what he’s doing.  The receptionist and the other pharmacist on duty spotted him from the beginning.  We’ve been waiting for the police to trace the network beyond the clinic.  Just shutting him down doesn’t help if they can’t find the others.  They were just about ready to move on him.”

“Did I ruin it?”

“I doubt it.  He’s been handing off to a variety of people.  The police already have quite a few names and addresses.  Did you threaten him?”

“No, but I was about to before you showed up.”

Shion sighed and shook his head.  “Nezumi, I know there is crime here and I have no illusions any more about what goes on while people are trying to survive.  I think the best tools are due process.  Wielding a knife may be necessary when you’re cornered, but we can deal with this through investigation.  That’s the only way we’ll crack the network.”

“Do you work with the police?”

“Not at all.  The clinic director contacted them.  The Restructural Committee is like a city council.  We pass legislation, and that touches on law enforcement and safety policies, but at this point I’m really more of a city planner.” 

“From what I heard from Karen, the Restructural Committee is itching to push you into a leadership position that you’re not interested in.  People have a tendency to follow you.  I’ve witnessed that myself, so I’m not surprised.  Don’t let them make you into something you don’t want to be, Shion.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember, the people who founded No.6 had the best intentions, too.  People trust you and you do have a certain influence that attracts people to you.  If people look to you for the answers long enough you may start to believe you have them.  Don’t fall into that trap.  Humans are imperfect.  Do the best you can, but the city will be imperfect.  Let it grow in all its beauty and imperfection.  They need to coexist.  You can’t let the city, or its people, or your ideals trick you into trying to be perfect.”

“I already know that,” Shion said defensively.  “That’s what I’ve been saying.  I worry about it constantly.  What does this have to do with the clinic anyway?”

“Well, nothing directly.  It was just a reminder of something I’ve been thinking about for a while.  I know how you push yourself.”

Shion felt cold.  Nezumi had struck a nerve.  For some time he had started to divorce himself from his emotions in order to push himself when he was exhausted and to deal with unpleasant tasks like firing people and helping to oust certain disruptive factions in city government.  Originally those kinds of responsibilities felt difficult and sometimes morally questionable, but gradually they became easier and caused him less pain.  Shutting down his emotions made it easier to cope.

His head fell back against the sofa.  “I have no interest in trying to be perfect, but I do push myself beyond my limits.  I’ve also become less feeling.”  Shion sighed deeply and lifted his feet up on the coffee table.

“It’s a warning sign.  Your mother noticed it, and Inukashi, too.  If the people around you perceive a change, something must be going on.”

“Have you noticed it?”

“I haven’t been here long enough.  I wouldn’t be surprised, though.  Your work takes up a lot of your life.”

“It’s _been_ my life since you left.”  He looked at Nezumi for a long time, then sighed and turned away.  “In a civilized society there is always a tension between regulation and freedom. Go too far one way, it's tyranny. Go too far the other way, it's anarchy. Those forces have to hold tension and they will fluctuate, vying for dominance. Since there is no such thing as utopia, we still have to deal with crime somehow, so we have police and we have courts.  I have to believe that there are ethical people working in both systems, but I don’t have any illusions that there won’t be some corruption.  That’s how I see it."

Shion ran his hand through his hair and thought for a moment. "I’ve become less trusting of people in general.  I’ll give them a chance, but I don’t walk up to strangers with open arms any more.”

“Well, that’s an improvement, at least,” Nezumi chuckled.  “I’m glad you’re not misguided enough to think you can eliminate crime.  That’s not who you are and it’s something that will always defy control.”

“That’s not who I was.  Unfortunately the Restructural Committee is charged with developing a safe city, so I do have some responsibility.  This is what grownups have to do.”

“You’re telling me what grownups do?  That’s a laugh.”

“I’m an adult with adult responsibilities,” Shion said with a touch of irritation.  “You can’t have it both ways, Nezumi.  Charge me to stay here and fix this mess and also tell me I’m not adult enough for the task.  I would have thrown it all over to stay with you, and I didn’t care where you were going.  I don’t have any ego invested in No.6.  I don’t care about power.  All I want to do is try to make things better for as many people as I can.”

“I know,” a tender warmth softened Nezumi’s voice.  He laid his hand on Shion’s hair.  “That’s why you’re perfect for the job.”

It knocked all the wind out of Shion’s sails.  A challenge from Nezumi could get his back up in a heartbeat, but a kind word could make him melt just as quickly.


	11. Chapter 11

The sun was just past its peak when Shion left his office to walk to City Hall.  The sky was uncommonly clear and fresh summer breezes blew in from the west.  A young male intern accompanied him and they chatted easily while strolling under the green canopy of trees growing alongside the network of sidewalks that ran through the city center’s forested park. Shion knew all the paths by heart from his time working for the Park Administration Office.

He had been back at work for three weeks and was still adjusting to his new rhythm of delving into issues of city government during the day and catching up with Nezumi in the evening.  Anticipating nights at home gave his workday a whole different atmosphere.  As much as he believed in his work, he had started to feel trapped over the years.  That disappeared when Nezumi returned.

The walk took some extra time, but he didn’t mind.  One of the things he had insisted on from the beginning was not working in the Moondrop.  The Restructural Committee members had their own offices in one of the smaller municipal buildings that surrounded City Hall.

As a result of breaking the Babylon Treaty, No.6 was no longer allowed to have an independent mayor.  The rotating heads of the Restructural Committee functioned as de facto mayors with limited executive powers.  They presided over committee meetings, but also participated as a member of the committee.  This essentially merged the executive and legislative branches and forced all parties to work together.  It wasn’t unheard of.  Many cities had used this structure before.  In the case of No.6 it was thought this would allow the city to rebuild without one person amassing and abusing power.

Shion had been to many meetings in City Hall since No.6 fell.  He never liked the Moondrop in the first place and now it was closely entwined with memories of destruction, loss and Nezumi’s departure.  It felt like tempting fate each time he set foot in it, but he didn’t really have a choice.  His work often involved facilitating civic projects or consensus building among various municipal departments and many of those offices were in City Hall.

Today he was attending a meeting in the former mayor’s office.  Some time ago, the large, luxurious room had been converted into office space for the head of social services.  He had visited once since the office was remodeled.  It was a brief, uneventful visit, but it was still a room he had managed to avoid up until then and that was no accident.

They arrived a little late.  The door to the office was open and the director cheerfully waved him in.  No longer a well-appointed retreat for the mayor; the space was bright and functional with a sensible desk and a large conference table for meetings.  Some of the social services staff were already gathered at the table.

This group was good at what they did and Shion had always found it easy to work with them.  They implemented effective programs that made real, positive changes in people’s lives.  He was looking forward to meeting with them.

Probably because the weather was warm, the glass doors to the balcony were open.  The balcony captured Shion’s attention as soon as he walked in the room and kept drawing his eye back to it as he exchanged greetings.  He hadn’t thought much about it at the time, but casting back in his mind he recalled the drapes being drawn during his last visit, making it look like any other generic office. Today, the expansive view was irresistible. He found the visual impact of the open glass doors so jarring he paused in mid stride to take it all in.

Bright sunlight streamed across the floor.  The balcony railing looked exactly as he remembered it the first time he was in this room four years ago.  The city skyline was visible beyond; shining against a blue sky.  A strong breeze gusted through the opening, filling his lungs as it smacked him in the face.  Then, suddenly, he saw everything from that day all at once. 

The shriveled desiccated corpse of the scientist sat stiffly on a sofa across the room.  The mayor was sitting at his desk, but his eyes were blank and for some reason his presence filled Shion with a deep sense of dread.  Elyurias hovered just beyond the railing.  _Couldn’t they see it?  Was everyone blind?_   No matter.  There was still time.  _Nezumi can speak to her, right?_   Shion turned, expecting to find Nezumi at his elbow, but he wasn’t there.  He froze.

Vivid images, sounds and smells engulfed him so quickly there was no time for any of the coping skills he usually thought to use.   His adrenaline spiked, along with his heart rate and breathing. 

He couldn’t even ground himself by focusing on his surroundings because the room was the source of his memories.  They were all converging in this one spot, overlapping in a disjointed timeline.

Shion drew into himself, vaguely aware that people nearby were talking to him, but no longer quite sure who they were or why they were there.  It was difficult to track what they were saying.  _Shelter_.  That was his first priority.  _A corner_.  He would withdraw into the corner, sit on the floor and pull his knees close to his chest.  Buy some time and ride it out.  _Where was Nezumi?_

________________________________________________________________

When Nezumi got the call from Shion’s assistant, he was in Rose Town checking out new theater venues and looking for any remaining connections from the drama community.  Since Shion had resumed his regular work schedule, Nezumi was getting restless to find work of his own.

He remembered the day Shion gave him the phone and asked to use his name at work as a contact.  Nezumi disliked carrying a phone, but conceded for Shion’s sake—that is, after promptly deactivating the location tracking function.  Now he was glad he had it.

Each footstep echoed off the polished stone walls as Nezumi ran up the central stairwell of City Hall.  It occurred to him it was the first time he had set foot in the building since the day No.6 collapsed.  He was too focused on getting to Shion quickly to dwell on it, but even as a passing thought it made his skin crawl.

A young man with short dark hair was waiting at the door to the office and greeted him anxiously.  “Nothing I’ve said seems to help.  He keeps asking for you.  I don’t think there’s anything else I can do, so I’ll be out in the hall if you need me.”

Nezumi nodded.  He quickly entered the office and scanned the room.  Shion was sitting on the floor in a corner with his back leaning against the wall.  He was hugging his knees and staring at the balcony through the open doors.

The bewildered office workers had quickly evacuated the space as soon as Shion’s assistant explained what was happening.  It was a rare enough occurrence and those who worked closely with him were aware of these episodes and made allowances.  In fact, his staff was adept at helping him through them, but this was unlike any of the others.

Nezumi’s insides knotted in turmoil.  He deliberately regulated his breathing and movements before calmly sitting next to the tightly folded figure on the floor.

“Shion?”

“Ah.  You’re finally here.  Where have you been?  I can’t sing to her.  I can talk, but she won’t listen to me.  I think you’re the only one she’ll listen to.”

Nezumi realized Shion was in the middle of a full blown flashback. Even though he had experienced them himself as a child, this was the first time he had witnessed it in another person. He hadn’t yet seen any indications of this kind of behavior from Shion.  There was only occasional anxiety and his earlier panic attack

How was he to handle this?  Up until now he thought his presence and support would help.  Now he was sensing just how complex this was going to be.  His whole foundation shifted under his feet, making him painfully aware of how emotionally dependent on Shion he had become in such a short time.  It was frightening.  He wondered if he could ever be equal to the task, but there was no other choice than to try.  Shion had saved him so many times.  He would have to do whatever he could. 

“Shion, tell me what I need to do.”

“She needs to be placated!” Shion was staring fixedly through the open doors at a space directly beyond the balcony railing. 

Nezumi honestly wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to correct Shion, but it seemed better than reinforcing what he was seeing.  “Shion, you’re in the room where that happened, but Elyurias isn’t here anymore.  That happened a long time ago.”

“I can’t sing to her,” he insisted.  “I’ve tried, but she says I don’t have the gift.”

While Nezumi loved music dearly, he took no joy in the song of appeasement.  It had served its purpose and had not passed his lips again since the last time he was in the Moondrop.  He wanted to remind Shion he was safe, all that was in the past, but it was difficult considering where they were.  It appeared Shion was fixated on that specific episode at the moment.

“Hey, Shion,” he called softly.  “Can I take your hand?”  Shion finally looked him in the eye and nodded.

“Come with me.”  Nezumi gently wrapped his slender fingers around Shion’s hand.

Shion stood up willingly and followed as Nezumi led him out onto the balcony.  Once outside, Nezumi felt strange, even a little silly.  It seemed so foreign to be here again, but his concern for Shion overshadowed everything else.  The city stretched out before them.  Strong gusts of wind snatched at their clothes and hair, requiring them to plant their feet against the buffeting.  Nezumi stood next to Shion, holding his hand, and they faced an invisible entity hovering beyond the railing.

“Please sing for her, Nezumi,” Shion pleaded anxiously.

Nezumi looked carefully into Shion’s eyes trying to gauge how much he was really tracking his surroundings.  There was no way of knowing.  “Elyurias isn’t here anymore, Shion.  I’ll sing, but I won’t sing that song.  It was for an ancient god who has left.  It was a song of appeasement.  For you I will sing a song of the present.  A song of hope.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  His voice rose up into the air with a shimmering timbre that soared on the wind.  He sang of rich, verdant mountains and fields covered in tall grasses.  Of the traveler returning to the embrace of outstretched arms.  He sang of homecoming.

Nezumi felt Shion’s hand closing tightly around his.  He could feel his moist palm and the warmth of his skin.  What was Shion thinking?  Would singing help or would it just feed into his delusion?

As he finished, Nezumi felt a tug against his hand and realized Shion had fallen to his knees.  His head was hanging forwarded and it wasn’t apparent whether Shion was crying or not until he suddenly looked up at Nezumi with clear eyes.

“She won’t come anymore, Nezumi.  Elyurias and Safu are both gone.  I know they’ll never come back, but the memories are just so strong.”  His voice sounded so lost and far away. “You came back, though.” 

Shion’s hair was whipping in the wind and his face was heartbreakingly open as he spoke.  “I keep reminding myself of that daily, but sometimes the doubt and panic overcomes me.  Places like this are the worst.  I guess I can’t face them alone anymore.  The fear is too strong.  I’ve come to understand part of it is fear of the events themselves, but the greater fear, by far, is that you are gone at the end of it all and you’ll never return.”

“Shion, I…”  Nezumi felt his own panic welling up, but he couldn’t lose control now.  He had to remain calm and available.  He wracked his brain for ideas until finally Shion provided the answer.

“Nezumi, could you hold me for a minute?” 

He knelt next to Shion and gathered him into his arms.  “I’m here,” he whispered.

Slowly Shion’s body relaxed and he buried his face in Nezumi’s shoulder, breathing deeply and wrapping his arms around his back.

“Nezumi,” he whispered, breathing his name so quietly he could barely be heard.  “I know.  I know you came back.”

Nezumi closed his eyes and pulled Shion tighter, more for his own sake than Shion’s.  He began to think he should get Shion out of the Moondrop.  It wasn’t a good place for him and he doubted he could calm down while he was here. 

“Will you walk with me to the stairs?  Here, take my arm.”  Nezumi gently lifted Shion up and helped him link arms.  With a soothing, soft voice he coaxed him toward the office.

Shion pulled back.  “I can’t go in that room,” he said and froze in front of the open doors.  “It’s full of death.”

“It was a site of death once, that is true, but it’s different now.  People work here.  People you know.  They do good work helping others.  That's something you made possible.  Remember that.”

At the moment, Shion didn’t seem to hear.  He was probably hearing and seeing too many other things to spare his full attention.

In his younger years, Nezumi had seen people wandering the streets looking lost and broken, like they’d never find their way back.  He didn’t want that for Shion.  No one deserved that.

Seeing death and human carnage on the scale he and Shion had witnessed was profoundly traumatic, there was no getting around that.  Yet after everything he’d seen, it was not lost on him that his first trauma—the one that was carved into his heart as a child—was the one that haunted him the most.  As for Shion, he was starting to wonder if leaving him to cope alone hurt him more than the events themselves.  Maybe it hurt them both.

Even Nezumi’s gran, as hard as she was, would rock him to sleep when the terrors of their scorched village visited at night.  It’s possible she found comfort in the contact as well.  He doubted Shion would have turned to his mother for such support at his age.  He would have borne it alone.

“Shion, if you can listen, there’s something I need to tell you.”

He nodded and looked at him.  His eyes were full of trust at the sound of Nezumi’s voice, yet he was still severely distracted. 

“I was here when all this first happened and I’m here with you now.  I saw it all.  We shared that, remember?  I have those same memories.  I know I haven’t been here and I can’t change what happened to you, but we can face it together from now on.”  He swallowed hard, choking on the bitterness of their reality and the sheer nakedness of his feelings.  “You survived everything that happened to you so you can survive the memories.”

At Nezumi’s words, Shion’s eyes brightened and he leaned forward, seeming to listen closely for the first time with his own unique intensity.  He reached out and caressed Nezumi’s cheek with his fingertips and drew him into a strong embrace.  Then, to Nezumi’s surprise, Shion took him by the hand and pulled him up.  “Let’s go home,” he said.

He stepped through the balcony doors, leading a stunned Nezumi behind.  Shion strode through the office, eyes straight ahead, and never looked back.

The office assistant was still waiting in the hall and rushed to keep up as Shion hurried down the stairs with Nezumi in tow.  “I can call a taxi if that will help,” he suggested. 

Shion was squeezing Nezumi’s hand so tightly his knuckles felt bruised.  “Yes, thanks,” Nezumi said.  “That would help.”

________________________________________________________________

By the time they got home that afternoon, Shion was so drained he collapsed on the sofa.  The apartment was stifling and needed to be opened up, but he lay with his arm thrown over his eyes just breathing the close air.

Nezumi was busy getting water, clinking ice into a glass and running the faucet.  The last thing Shion needed was to get dehydrated after what he’d been through. 

“Do you want a sip of water?”  

“Thanks.”  Shion sat up and reached for the glass. 

Nezumi continued moving through the apartment opening windows and sliding doors and turning on fans.  Ever since he left his environmentally controlled house in Chronos, Shion could no longer abide living with air conditioning.

“Want some company?” he asked when he returned. 

“Yeah, come sit with me.”

Nezumi propped a couple of pillows at one end of the sofa and slid in behind Shion.  “We’ll see if this helps you relax.”

Shion set his glass on the table and leaned back so his head was resting against Nezumi’s chest.  A gentle breeze was stirring throughout the room and cicadas droned in the trees outside.  A small wind chime tinkled softly, announcing the air’s movement.

Nezumi slipped an arm around his waist.  “What feels best?”

“This,” Shion answered.  “Can’t think of any better place to be.”

Long, cool fingers gently combed through Shion’s white strands.  “You can talk or not,” Nezumi said, “whatever you want.”  A sense of well-being suffused Shion’s body and the vise grip at the base of his neck began to let go. 

“You’ve got a good touch for this kind of thing, Nezumi.”

“My Gran would do the same thing for me.”

“Oh, right.  Of course.”  It was good to remember that in spite of everything, Nezumi hadn’t been completely alone in the beginning.   He seemed to cope with it well on the surface, but Shion knew that was no accurate indicator for how he might feel on the inside.

“You’ve been dealing with something like this a long time.  I’ve never seen you lose it, though.”

“You didn’t know me when I was younger.  There were plenty of times…”  Nezumi’s voice trailed off and he nudged Shion forward, refocusing his attention on rubbing Shion’s neck.

“Well, anyway, you’re good at it,” Shion said.  He hummed approvingly at Nezumi’s sure touch.

“Just a knack I guess.  I had to learn a lot about taking care of myself over the years, but helping someone else is different.  That’s something I don’t have much experience with.  I really wasn’t sure what to do today.  Eventually you were able to help yourself a little bit.  You’ll get better at it.”

Shion sighed and leaned his head forward so Nezumi could get under his hair better.  “I didn’t want to you see me like that, but I couldn’t avoid it.  You must be wondering what you’ve come back to.”

“We talked about it before and I could see the signs myself.  Your mom even said this would happen sometimes, so it’s no surprise.  I knew what I was getting into.” 

“Hmm,” Shion pondered.  “I don’t think she’s seen anything quite like this.  If I feel something coming on, I can usually get myself home.  Recently I’ve been getting better at stopping it before it starts.  Today was unusual.  I should have known that room would set me off.  I’d been there before with no problem, but seeing that wide open balcony today… and something about the air rushing in.  It brought everything back.”

Without saying anything, Nezumi moved to rubbing Shion’s shoulders and arms. 

“I saw it all,” Shion continued.  “Elyurias.  The scientist lying dead in the office.  The mayor was there, but in my mind his eyes were blank, like he was already dead.  I don’t mourn them particularly and it’s not as if I hadn’t seen far more extensive death, but as that scene played out in my mind, other ones started to unfold.  Once they get going, it’s difficult to stop.  Staying quiet and getting away from people usually helps me get through it, especially if I can get home, but I froze today.  All I could do was find a corner.”

“It happens that way sometimes.” Nezumi said.  “Sometimes, no matter what you do, it just gets the upper hand for awhile.”

“Logically, I know memories can’t hurt me, but in the moment the fear is real.  I know it’s just an office, but those two corpses inhabited it as surely as you and I are sitting here now.  Everything those people did to you and me and Safu… all the suffering they caused, was reactivated for me by their image.”

Nezumi wrapped his arms around Shion’s middle and nodded, his cheek brushing against his hair.  It was the first time Shion had spoken so openly about what had happened to him four years ago and about what he was experiencing now.

“The Correctional Facility is long since gone.  It was reduced to rubble.  The debris was removed and the grounds are now a memorial site to those who died there. City Hall is the biggest remaining landmark that I associate directly with that day.  I’ve always hated that building.  I would destroy it if I could, but it’s not up to me.  Even though most people have now come to deplore what it stood for, the city needs it.  Resources are still scarce and it’s too useful for essential services. We have to wait until other projects are finished to rebuild.”

“Your work takes you there from time to time.  How do you cope with that?”

“Usually it’s okay.”  Shion stretched his arms in front of him and shifted against Nezumi.  “I’m generally in and out for a meeting or an assembly.  I don’t stay there any longer than I have to.  The Moondrop has a lot of symbolism for me.  And that room… I thought I could be stronger.  I confess I’ve been avoiding that one.  It’s a mass of reminders.”

Shion shook his head.  “You know, I wasn’t just a victim that day, Nezumi.  I perpetrated my own destruction on another person and I’ve had years to think about it.”

Nezumi’s muscles tensed against Shion’s back.  He put a hand over his eyes and breathed deeply.  “I know.  I’ve wondered how you would do with that as time passed.”

“Rashi was no stranger to me, if you recall.  He had been monitoring me since I was twelve for aiding you when you were a fugitive.  He erased people clinically and efficiently with what seemed like total detachment.  I’ll never know if he experienced guilt or compunction for his actions and it wasn’t up to me to pass judgment on him, but it was my place to protect you.  He was as good as dead when he shot you.  I was in an altered state during the whole episode.  I remember it, but it was like watching someone else even while it was happening.”

“And now?” Nezumi sounded so uncharacteristically tentative.  So unsure of himself.  It made Shion uneasy to hear such doubt.

“Are you asking if I regret it?  I regret that I had to do it, but I would do it again.  It was probably nice for you to be able to think of me as pure, but I wasn’t.  I was just inexperienced.  I was forced into a situation where I could no longer afford to hold on to my innocence.  I turned out to have the capacity to kill.  It was something I never thought I could do, but when the time came it was shocking how easily it came to me.”

Nezumi was quiet. 

Shion lifted the slender hand that was resting on his stomach.  He interlaced their fingers and held tight.  “You were right.  It was a battle and it was kill or be killed.  I learned the true nature of war that day and I loathed it, but there was only one choice for me at the time.  It seems a bit odd to me now.  I came to terms with killing that man, at least I live with it—‘Shoulder it, and live on,’ you said—but things that seem so insignificant, like a sound or a smell, can set me off and then a memory can incapacitate me.”

Shion paused.  “How do I reconcile that, Nezumi?  I don’t want to forget what happened, any of it.  It’s my duty to remember, but the memories overcome me.”

It was Shion’s truth.  It was how he had experienced things.  There was really nothing Nezumi could say to dispute it.  He was way beyond any ideal visions he once had of Shion.  At this point he loved him for the man he had become as well as the boy he once was.  The events leading up to the city’s fall, all the death and destruction, were irretrievably interwoven with his growth.

“Shion, I never told you this at the time, but what I said back then was as much for myself as for you.”  Nezumi’s voice was quiet and not quite steady.  “I have so much blood on my hands and somehow I have to live with it every day.  I never wanted that for you.  I wanted to spare you, but I couldn’t.  I saw you were going after Safu no matter what.  All I could do was pull you right into the middle of my path.”

“You helped me.”

Nezumi sighed, still not quite ready to absolve himself.  “Well, it’s done now.  All I can do to honor it is go forward and live the best life I can and remember what needs to be remembered when I can.”  He squeezed Shion’s hand that had been holding his so tightly.  “I don’t know if this will help you or not, but I’ve been through my own version of this.  You’re not alone.  I’ve just had longer to learn to cope with it.  I believe you can live with it.  I can’t cure anything, but I’ll do what I can to help you get through it.”

“Mmm.”  Shion nodded, listening carefully.  “Nezumi,” he continued, “doctors have told me, and I’ve read, that one approach is to revive a traumatic memory while you feel safe in the present.  It can reinforce the positive association.  In other words, revisit the source of the fear in a safe environment until it no longer feels like a threat.”

“I’ve heard about that,” Nezumi said, “but I don’t have any formal experience with it. I just had to find ways to cope on my own and facing memories head on was part of it. I understand the idea.”

Shion turned around so he could face him.  “Some people avoid it, thinking they can’t survive confronting their worst memories and I understand that feeling.  However, I think it’s my only way forward.  Sometimes it feels like I’m trapped in the Correctional Facility all over again and have to find my way out, only this time the route is inside of me.  I think facing it now that you’re here is about as safe as I could possibly feel.” 

An unspoken thought seemed to hang in the air.  “Shion, after what I’ve seen, you know I have reasons to be distrustful of scientific method, especially science of the mind which can be used to manipulate and twist people, but I’ve been thinking about your doctor.  If you’re working with someone you believe in, and it would help you for me to be involved, I’ll do what I can.”

“I wasn’t going to ask,” Shion said, “but if you want…”

“I wouldn’t kid you about this.  All the times I wondered how I could repay you for saving my life more than once… I want to try to help.  When I was bleeding to death, you clamped my artery and got me through hell to a proper doctor.  I wouldn’t have lived without that.  This is no different.  You have access to decent services and medication.   You should use them and I should support you.”

It was more than Shion could have hoped for.  “Maybe you can come to an appointment with me and you can hear directly what we’ve been working on.  I think that might help both of us.”

“I can do that.”

Shion hung his head and stared at his hands, causing thick locks of snowy hair to slip forward, blocking his face from Nezumi’s gaze.  “I wanted so badly for you to be the solution,” he said softly.  “I hoped it would all go away when you returned, but it hasn’t.” 

He lifted his head and met Nezumi’s eyes.  “If we want a life together I can’t ignore this.”

Nezumi reached out and pulled him close.  “We are going to live through it,” he said, “and we’ll be here for each other.  That’s got to count for something.”

“Yeah.  I want to help you, too—at least as much as you’ll let me.  Whatever I can do.”

“Shion¸ you already do,” his lips brushed against Shion’s soft hair.  “I always thought there was so much I had to teach you, but you’ve had things to teach me all along.”

Shion smiled at the compliment, remembering when they were very few and far between.  “We’ve always supported one another when we were together. We went through so much together and we both know what happened.  We can help each other now.”

It was a simple declaration that captured a complex element of their relationship.  Their union had blossomed into something more precious than either of them could have predicted.  Its foundation was based on one person extending his hand in aid—and having that hand grasped in return.

Nezumi nodded.  “Yes, I think we can.”

________________________________________________________________

As the sun went down, the temperature outside tumbled until the apartment filled with deliciously cool air.  They shucked their clothes and stood together under the shower for a long time, letting the warm water wash away the stress of the day.

Nezumi spent extra time wrapping Shion in a towel, drying his hair and rubbing him down the way he always enjoyed.  As they sank into the snowy linens, crisp and fresh against their bare skin, Shion gave thanks in his heart once again for the one thing he had wanted most—Nezumi by his side.  He felt profoundly safe.

In spite of his experience that afternoon, and the painful challenge of living with scars from old wounds, he was optimistic.  Nezumi couldn’t slay his demons, but he had reawakened his spirit.  Shion was starting to feel alive for the first time in years.  His appreciation for life had deepened and he was taking nothing for granted. 

Nezumi beckoned him into his arms with a knowing smile and Shion unselfconsciously rested against his chest. “What if I take care of everything tonight?” Nezumi asked.  “You just enjoy.  What do you think?”

“Hmm,” Shion deliberated as if weighing his options with great care.  “I think I’m not about to decline an offer like that.”

“Excellent choice, Your Majesty.”

With sure hands, Nezumi laid Shion against the pillows.  “This okay?” he asked as he rolled on top of Shion, their growing erections snugging against one another perfectly.

“Yes,” Shion breathed.  He pressed his lips to Nezumi’s, flicking his tongue against his lower lip.  Nezumi opened willingly and coaxed his tongue into his mouth with a tender tug.  Shion arched his back as Nezumi answered each touch and caress with his own. 

When their lips pulled apart their hearts were thumping against their chests.  Tiny beads of sweat gathered in the hollow just beneath Shion’s breastbone.  His skin was still warm from their shower and it tingled everywhere Nezumi’s body touched him. 

They pushed their hips against one another in a languid ascent.  Every outstretched hand, every sigh was a testament to their commitment to each other.  Not just an expression of what they needed from each other, but what they wanted to offer one another.

Nezumi brushed his fingertips like feathers up and down the sides of Shion’s thighs, murmuring under his breath and drawing shivers with each stroke.  Before Shion fully realized what was happening Nezumi started sliding down his body.  He followed the outline of his collar bone with kisses and then, taking a nipple in between his lips, he swirled his tongue over and over while creating a sweet, aching suction.

Blood rushed between Shion’s legs and he writhed.  His cock felt hot and tight, trapped against Nezumi’s stomach.  He was panting loudly.  The sound of his own breath filled his ears. 

Nezumi popped his lips as he let go.  “Feel good?”

“Yeah,” he gasped.

“You’re doing fine, Shion.”

He continued to plant soft kisses across feverish skin, dragging his tongue along Shion’s scar and over his taut belly.  Shion whimpered, and his hand flew to his mouth to stifle the sounds with a knuckle between his teeth.

“No,” Nezumi said as he reached for Shion’s wrist.  “It’s honest and I won’t mock you.”  His voice had a soft hoarseness to it.  “I want to hear you.”

Shion allowed himself a low moan and moved his hand to Nezumi’s hair.  

Returning to his quest, Nezumi trailed the tip of his tongue along the thin, downy line of translucent hair, just below Shion’s navel, causing him to squirm and clench locks of hair in his hands. 

Finally, he followed that line downward until he buried his nose in Shion’s white curls and wrapped his long fingers around his erection.  Shion’s hips rose off the bed and he cried out.  Nezumi quickly took him into his mouth and circled his tongue around the flared base of his head.

Shion gripped the sheet with his fists.  There was a rushing sound in his ears and the soft roughness of Nezumi’s tongue became the focal point of his awareness, floating him on a plateau of bliss.  Soon, before Shion was pulled too far along that path, Nezumi shifted onto his knees and straddled Shion’s hips.

“I’ll do this part myself tonight.”  Their eyes locked on each other in a familiar exchange of trust and Shion understood what was coming.  He pressed the nearby tube into Nezumi’s hand and watched with stilled breath as he gracefully and deliberately coated his fingers, turning a commonplace action into the most sensuous of movements.

For weeks, in their desire to make up for lost time, they had tried as many combinations as possible and it was not Nezumi’s first time approaching Shion in this way, but tonight Nezumi was taking the lead.  He reached between his legs and slowly began to prepare himself, something Shion had never seen.  His head rolled freely backwards and shining dark hair cascaded down his back. 

“Nezumi… So beautiful,” Shion whispered.  Narrow hips circled and swayed as he carefully, knowingly made himself ready.  Captivated with his movements, Shion lazily reached out with both hands to stroke himself and Nezumi at the same time.

When Nezumi was ready, he took Shion’s erection in his hand and lowered himself onto his lover.  Shion cried out and grabbed Nezumi’s hands to support him as he leaned forward; breathing deeply, adjusting, and searching for the right angle.

Shion surged up and Nezumi took him in, surrounding him with deep, tight warmth as he endeavored to soothe Shion’s heart with his body.  The symbolism alone drove Shion wild.  The idea of being inside of Nezumi fed into his ongoing need to get ever closer to him. 

He settled in with Nezumi’s rhythm, but gradually he found himself drawn into his own irresistible counter rhythm, springing from an intangible urge he couldn’t define.  Nezumi was alert to Shion’s every move and was able to follow, matching him seamlessly. 

How did they ever get here?  It was something that amazed Shion every time he was able to touch Nezumi.  Yes, life was painful and there were so many challenges to overcome, but this.  This made it all bearable.  Beyond that, for Shion, it was what made his life sublime.

“Nezumi…”

“Hmm?” He said dreamily as he continued rocking his hips in sync with Shion’s pace.

“I want you,” he choked out. “I want you so much I don’t know what to do.”

Nezumi’s open, unguarded gaze held Shion spellbound and he leaned forward until his dark hair brushed lightly across Shion's chest. 

“Then take me,” he said in a lilting voice that Shion knew was meant for him alone.  It reached deep into his core and called to him.

In one efficient move that was worthy of anything Nezumi could have taught him, Shion swiftly flipped Nezumi on his back.  He lifted the heel of one long, graceful leg onto his shoulder and pushed into him again, aiming for and finding the place that made Nezumi writhe on the bed and cry out with pleasure.

“Shion,” Nezumi called and reached for his shoulders as Shion bent over him.

Shion could not get enough of hearing his name on those lips; uttered with a breathy neediness he thought he would never hear from someone who had refused to admit he needed anyone.  For Nezumi to come this far…

It dawned on Shion that this was Nezumi’s gift.  He was giving himself for Shion to take what he needed, however he needed it. He lowered his head and rocked into his lover with slow, measured strokes that drew long moans from Nezumi with each pass.  He wanted to hear his voice like this forever.  

Nezumi’s loose hair draped across his shoulders and contrasted darkly against his smooth skin.  Random strands stuck to his neck where a fine sheen of sweat covered his skin.  His head was thrown back against the mattress, eyes closed and mouth open, gasping for air.  His leg muscles were so taut they trembled.  Shion had never seen him this open and vulnerable.  He hooked his arms under Nezumi’s knees and tipped his pelvis for better leverage.

“Lose myself…” Shion murmured as he rolled his hips and pushed into Nezumi.  “Want to lose myself in you.  Everything to me...”

His snatches of half sentences, uttered like prayers, rose up and combined with the sounds of their breathing, moans and cries.  He wrapped his hand around Nezumi’s cock, stroking and tugging just the way he was learning that he liked.  Their movements grew faster and more uneven until Shion succeeded in drawing a long cry of release from Nezumi.  Tight muscles gripped his entire length and he let go as if pouring his soul into Nezumi.

Shion knew Nezumi alone couldn’t dispel his nightmares, but his love was the foundation of his healing and he would come here again and again seeking renewal.

They clung to one another.  White and black hair splayed together on the sheet as their limbs loosely entwined.  Rapid breathing and pounding hearts filled their ears, gradually calming until their eyelids closed and the room wrapped them in a deep silence breached only by the sound of rustling sheets and soft sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets at one of the core themes I wanted to explore with this fiction. How do these characters go forward after experiencing extreme trauma? I began reading about combat trauma and survivors of genocide all the way back in November when I started working on this story. I knew I needed to learn more. I also knew I didn't have the writing skills to really do the theme justice, but I tried to make it more than a passing PTSD plot device. There are many ways in which emotional trauma manifests itself and people cope in many different ways, so what I've shown here is only my fictional take on Shion and Nezumi and their attempts at healing.


	12. Chapter 12

Nezumi sat upright on the sofa with a start.  The nearby mice scattered at the sudden movement.  Sweat rolled down his neck and he gasped for breath.  Familiar images of fire lingered in his mind.  He looked around the room.  The afternoon sun was beating in through the sliding screen door that led to the small balcony he climbed when he returned to Shion.

The last he remembered, he was stretched out with a pillow beneath his head, blissfully absorbed in a long novel.  It was a morning with no commitments and he had decided to have a good read.  Now, he was waking up from another vivid dream.  Such was the influence of a lazy summer day and a long book.

Since he had returned, Nezumi found he was sleeping more peacefully through the night with Shion by his side.  His dreams were refreshingly mundane reflections of his daily life.  However, during the last week, recurring dreams from his childhood had returned.

Following the usual pattern, it was all very fragmented.  He would get snatches of words and almost make out a misty face, maybe one of his parents, maybe not, and then it all went up in flames.  He had chased those images since he was a child with no success.

The dreams had come and gone at various times over the years.  He couldn’t predict them and he couldn’t stop them, but he had trained himself long ago to stop caring.  It hurt too much to want to remember.  His family was gone and he couldn’t change that.

Actually, when he counted the days, it was clear the dreams started recurring soon after he accompanied Shion to his doctor’s appointment.  The meeting seemed to have gone well.  Nezumi thought Shion had a good rapport with the doctor and he learned some helpful tips on how to assist without getting overwhelmed.

Why now?  It occurred to him that helping Shion had stirred up his own demons, yet it seemed to be more than just that.  These dreams had a very different feel from his others and it left Nezumi feeling unnerved.  They called to him. 

He had learned how to deal with his recurring dreams long ago.  Change was not welcome.  They were like fevers and colds that overcame him from time to time and had to be tolerated.  He didn’t want to look any closer.

He was used to not recognizing the faces in his dreams and he knew very little about his family.  The old woman who saved him had told him stories, but he couldn’t manage to remember all she had said.  He had gathered that his parents were strong and kind.  He knew his mother was a Singer.  He knew he had a baby sister.

Mother… Father…  Only the most fleeting sense of who they really were remained.  They slipped through his fingers over and over like water.  He wanted to remember once, but it hurt so much he also wanted to forget.  And so, he forgot.

Shion hadn’t been wrong when he said Nezumi was leery of where he was born.  There were many reasons for him to flee when No.6 fell, but the remains of the Mao forest always stood as a ruined, mute reminder that he had escaped and the others hadn’t.  Avenging them had been his main reason for living, at least until Shion became a central figure in his life.

Now, even after traveling and seeing how others were living in the world, what was he supposed to do with his life?  Who was he supposed to live for?  Shion?  Himself?  Did he have any remaining obligations to his people?

Like it or not, his recent fire dreams had become more than a repeat of his recurring childhood dreams.  The dreams were developing a strong sense of place and they pulled at him.

Even his mice gathered around and were entirely too sympathetic.

 _“Go. You should go and see_ ,” they were telling him.

“See what?” he asked impatiently.  “There’s nothing to see!”

Why were they picking up on his dream?  It annoyed him.

He knew why he had an affinity with his mice and other small creatures.  He came from a race of people who were deeply connected to a once sacred forest.  They were gone, but something of their spirit still remained in him.

Even though he never expressed it, Nezumi knew in his heart that he contained a form of magic.  He was a Singer and he had the ability to enchant with his voice.  He had witnessed it with his own eyes many times.

Though he had learned to become a cunning, hardened and skilled fighter to survive, he was also a child of the forest people and the spirit of the land still dwelled inside him.  His voice carried the essence of the wind as if by magic. 

 _And what of it?_ he asked himself testily.   _What does that matter anymore?_   He jumped off the sofa and strode toward the door, then on second thought he turned on his heel to find pen and paper.  Once he scrawled a quick note to Shion, it took only a moment to pull on his shoes and he was out the door.  Nezumi needed to walk.  Anything to escape his thoughts.  The fresh air would clear his head and he needed a change of scene.

________________________________________________________________

Shion dropped his bag on the table when he got home.  Another late day. He had told Nezumi that morning he wouldn't be home for dinner. His office needed to finish a land reclamation proposal in time for the budget review and they were ordering food in for the staff.

He was about to head down the hallway to see if Nezumi was in the apartment when he found a note on the table.

“Out walking.”

The tone was so clipped it made Shion feel uneasy; not that Nezumi was given to leaving flowery notes.  Was he mad because he had to work late again?  It didn’t seem like him to let such trivial concerns bother him.

With Nezumi nowhere in sight and dinner out of the way, he was momentarily at a loss for what to do next, but it didn’t take long to decide.  Fixing a cup of tea seemed like it would help him unwind and it was a good time to look over the proposal one more time before tomorrow’s presentation.

He spread some papers on the table and then started heating the water.  His favorite earthenware teapot was already on the counter.  It was rustic and functional, and Shion had always liked the way it felt in his hand.  That’s why he brought it home in the first place. He usually found the process of making tea as satisfying as drinking it. 

It had been a couple of weeks since he experienced the massive flashback in City Hall.  Shion had attended one meeting on the first floor since then with no problems.  He had no desire to venture farther. Each day was touch and go, but he was starting to feel like he had more tools to cope and a better foundation at home than ever before.

Nezumi was as good as his word and had accompanied Shion when he was able to get in to see his doctor soon afterward.   He listened to everything the doctor had to say, asked practical questions and seemed to understand everything they discussed.  So far he had been amazingly patient, especially given Nezumi’s temperament of years past.  However, Shion knew Nezumi had his own pressures and worried about how he was adapting to being back here.  Shion felt he had to do what he could to support as well as be supported.

He sipped his tea and scanned the materials for the report.  It was well organized and things were looking good.  They had everything ready.

The familiar sound of a key in the lock alerted Shion to Nezumi’s return.  He looked up expectantly as Nezumi came in and kicked off his shoes.

Nezumi flashed a distracted smile, and walked over to Shion, but his mind seemed to be elsewhere.

“How did work go?” he asked with a squeeze to Shion’s shoulders.

“We’re ready for the meeting tomorrow. The presentation is finished.”

“Good.  It should go well, then.”

Shion remembered the note. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  I was just restless and had to get some fresh air.  I think I haven’t been active enough lately.”

“Mmm.  Want some tea?”

“Yeah.  I’ll get it myself.”

Nezumi poured his cup and turned to join Shion at the table. 

“What’s this?” he asked, noticing the papers.  A large map and various reports were spread out.  “Materials for your current project?”

“It’s a map of the regions being considered for ecological restoration.”

“Hmm.” Nezumi pulled his chair forward and quickly scanned the map.  “I see the Mao forest region northwest of the airport is highlighted.”

“That’s right.  It’s one of the regions under consideration.”

“What good would that do?”  Nezumi sounded irritated.  “It’s just patchy regrowth now.  The land is ruined.  You can’t make it what it was again.  It was a sacred forest.  All the people were destroyed.  The lake that supported the village and the wildlife is gone.  A forest can recover from a natural fire, but filling in the lake and putting a runway through the edge of the forest… that area is just gutted.  If you’re doing this as some gesture for me you’re wasting your time.  You’d be better off planting trees where there are none.”

Shion thought this might be a difficult topic for Nezumi, but he hadn’t expected such a backlash.  He tried to keep his voice neutral. 

“We have been planting trees elsewhere,” he explained, “but the forest needs help.  Some of the old growth to the north remains intact, but the burned area didn’t grow back evenly.  The fire burned so hot, it wiped out entire stands of trees.  Some of the native species weren’t even able to come back properly.  Other plants crowded them out before they could get established.  In other words it altered the ecosystem.  Regrowth isn’t as diverse as it should be and after all these years there are still problems with erosion and flooding from runoff and it’s affecting the surrounding land."

“I don't need a forestry lecture,” Nezumi snapped.

“You asked so now you're going to hear it. This can help. We can do aerial reseeding of native grasses to hold the soil while we reintroduce some of the original varieties of trees that were pushed out from rapid regrowth of more aggressive plants after the fire.  We need well established forested areas.  It improves air quality, helps stabilize the climate and maintains habitat for fauna. It helps everyone.”

 He did want to save some small part of Nezumi’s past, even if he didn’t dare admit it.

“And since it was a sacred forest, as you say,” Shion continued, “then we should treat it with respect, even if we can never return it to its former glory.”   

Slapping the palm of his hand on the table, Nezumi pushed himself up abruptly and turned away from the map.  “Do whatever you want.  It has nothing to do with me anymore.”  He headed toward the bathroom.  “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Nezumi?” Shion called to his back. 

“Yeah?” he stopped but didn’t turn around.

“Should I have asked you first?  This has been in the planning stages for a long time… before you came back.”  He knew it was a painful reminder and he felt bad that he hadn’t given more forethought to how Nezumi would find out.

Nezumi turned and met his eyes, looking somewhat surprised.  He seemed to give the question careful thought and then he took a deep breath.  The expression on his face softened and the muscles in his body relaxed for the first time since he came home.  “No, Shion,” he shook his head.  “I don’t own the land.  I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

As much as Shion wanted to ask, he left him alone, taking satisfaction in the fact that Nezumi had shared that much for the moment.

“Did you get anything to eat?”

“No, I was too busy walking and thinking.”

“Well,” Shion didn’t want to nag, but he couldn’t help reminding him, “you know where everything is if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks.  I’m fine,” he said with a real smile that reached his eyes.  “I’ll be up reading for a bit if you want to join me in the bedroom.”

Even when one of them was irritable or short tempered, Shion noticed that Nezumi came around much faster than he used to and seemed to make an effort to bounce back.  In fact, when Shion made overtures as they climbed into bed, Nezumi responded in kind and their love making was direct and satisfying.  Nothing more was said about forest management or reports. 

Such nights were gradually, steadily weaving a home around both of them.  Living together; disagreeing, sharing, communicating, and loving.  There had been times when Shion thought he could only have these things in that small underground storage unit, but he was learning that what he had yearned for defied place and time.  It grew from their interactions and for now, for this night, home was in the narrow space between them as they lay together in the dark.

________________________________________________________________

As soon as Shion left the next morning, Nezumi set out with all three mice and a messenger bag slung over his shoulder with provisions for lunch.  It would take all morning to traverse the distance from the city to the forest, but he just felt it was necessary and right for him to cover the ground on foot. 

For days the mice had been chattering at him to go.  “Yeah, yeah, I know,” he told them.  Even they felt something.  Then, there was that argument with Shion last night.  He didn’t understand where that came from.  What was the harm in Shion’s plan?  It caught him of guard, but so what?  What bothered him most was no matter what was done to reclaim the land, nothing could return the people.  Nothing.

He was surprised at how little he felt about his family.  Why couldn’t he feel more?  He had pushed his feelings down for so long he couldn’t retrieve them anymore.  All he had was shadows - those images that drifted in and out of his dreams since he was a child.  Everything having to do with his family and his people was gone.  He had no desire to return to that place – until now.  He felt drawn there and he couldn't understand why.  His dreams?  Curiosity?  Shion’s reforestation project?

Shion didn’t know about his dreams returning.  He had no way of knowing what was on Nezumi’s mind without being told.  It had been a little unfair to take it out on him.  Even if the land could no longer be what it was, that was no reason not to manage the forest as best as possible.

As he reached the outskirts of the city his stride quickened.  The mice ran ahead or hung back to run up his leg and ride on his shoulder.  Sometimes they hid in his bag for a rest.  The weather was fair and the sun warmed the air as the morning progressed.  The remnants of the forest were starting to be visible in the distance.

He reached a point in the road where the airport grounds were visible just to the east.  The intermittent roar of landings and take-offs had been getting louder for some time.  He was close enough now to feel the vibrations in the ground.

The woods were to the northwest and straight across the meadowlands if he left the road.  Tsukiyo stopped in the middle of the road and raised his nose to sniff the air.

“What is it?  Shall we go this way?”

An enthusiastic series of chirps from Tsukiyo seemed an unequivocal yes.  The other two poked their heads out of Nezumi’s bag to join him.

“Okay.  My thoughts exactly.  We’ll cut across the meadow.”

The mice jumped down to the ground and scattered into the field.  The sun was high now and Nezumi removed his button-up shirt, stripping down to his t-shirt.  He tied the sleeves around his waist and the shirt flapped behind him as he walked.  Light breezes from the direction of the forest were picking up and felt sweet against his cheek.  The airport sullied the air with exhaust, but the density of plants in this area created an oasis near the sprawling concrete complex.

New grass, weeds and flowers had pushed up through the winter die-back, creating a rich multicolored blanket.  Nezumi waded through wildflowers as high as his waist.  Seed heads from the dry underbrush clung to his pants as he tromped across the uneven terrain.  This region was still abundantly verdant compared to other areas in the vast expanses between habitable lands.

As he neared the edge of the woods he turned and looked back.  From this vantage point he could see the roll of the land as it transitioned into foothills and then mountains in the distance to the east.  New farmland was developing beyond the airport at the base of the foothills.

The sky was a deep clear blue with soft white clouds that rode high.  It stirred something in him that felt far away yet familiar at the same time.  He wanted to hold it.  It was too ephemeral, yet still lingered insistently at the edges of his memory.  Its very beauty was painful to be near.

He turned and entered the woods.  Even after all these years, to someone who knew how to analyze the landscape, it was obvious these woods consisted of regrowth following a fire.  There was a mosaic of burned trunks mixed with younger trees.  He worked his way around large snags and coarse woody debris as he advanced through the chaotic new growth.

It had been about sixteen years; still childhood in the life cycle of a forest.  The forest floor had gone through the typical regrowth cycle: grasses and wildflowers moving in first, giving way to shrubby plants, and then the more vigorous trees pushing their way up.  The ground still lacked a proper thick layer of organic matter from falling leaves and twigs one would expect to see in an older forest.  In some areas, just as Shion had said, there were ravines and slopes where the grasses and plants hadn’t taken hold well and the soil continued to wash away from runoff.

He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, just that he wanted to explore.  He knew the lake that had sustained the village was to the southeast and was drained for the runways, but his people had always foraged far afield and had covered the landscape all over the area, even into the mountains.  He was just a small child and couldn’t remember the exact lay of the land.  It troubled him that his memories were so vague and so dominated by the massacre.

He veered northwest, away from the airport.  From Shion’s maps that’s where the greatest density and the most original growth remained.  There should be some scattered clearings and a few small bodies of water.  He knew that the forest was surrounded by open lands and bordered all around by the airport or roads.  He couldn’t get lost if he just walked straight in any direction.

There was no longer any forest god here.  He could feel that plainly, but that wasn’t why he was here; that wasn’t what he was seeking.  As he moved into the older growth, he found soft loam on the forest floor along with a variety of small ferns and mushrooms.  The air became cooler and the trees became denser; towering overhead to form lush, multi-layered canopies high above.

The forest was alive with sounds.  Insects created a buzzing wall of background noise against which the birds displayed their songs.  Some rustled in the underbrush for seeds and insects, while others flew from branch to branch to drum on tree trunks with their bills.  He heard trilling, full throated whistles, chirps and caws.  The forest was anything but quiet. 

After an hour of walking, he finally saw the bright light of a large opening in the canopy.  A small lake lay ahead.  The sun poured through the trees as he approached.  He paused to breathe in the fresh air and then warily stepped into the open space.  The sky opened overhead.  Birds flew up from the undergrowth around the edge of the water in a rush of flapping wings.  As he got closer, he noticed narrow, worn paths crisscrossing amongst the plants and grasses where animals came to drink.  Random tufts of fur clung to twigs here and there.  The ground nearest the water was covered with a mix of soft moss and grassy patches.  Great arching trees overhung the water here and there, their roots anchored deep in the lake bank.

Nezumi drew close to the water’s edge under one of the trees.  He sat on the moss next to a large round rock, perfect for leaning against.  The mice gathered around him, scratching the ground and exploring.

“Go get some water, guys.”

They all scrambled up onto his thigh and stood with their paws held in front, sniffing the air and looking at him intently.  They looked very formal all lined up in a row.

Nezumi couldn’t quite read them, but they were excited in an unusual way.  Hamlet and Cravat had traveled the wilderness with him and somehow this place affected them in a way he had never seen before.  Being born in the library storage room, they had never been here, but they were descended from the forest mice in this area so maybe they felt a connection.

They nodded their heads to him in unison, almost like a bow, and then took off to explore the water and surrounding area.  Nezumi watched them scamper away.  Even Hamlet, as slow as he was, seemed invigorated.

The sun warmed him from overhead and its rays glittered across the water’s surface.  Dragonflies darted in and out of the rushes along the water’s edge and a spring burbled nearby as it fed into the lake with a gentle trickle. Something in the moment made him feel keenly alive and a tune sprang to his lips unconsciously.  He hummed the melody, interspersed with half-forgotten, but full-voiced snatches of lyrics, until he was satisfied he had recalled as much of it as he could.

It pleased him to remember this particular melodic fragment and he tucked it away with other recollections to examine at his leisure.

Feeling thirsty, Nezumi shucked his bag off his shoulder and pulled out a container of water.  There was also fruit, bread and chicken.  It was a perfect place for a picnic.

After he had quenched his thirst and had a bite to eat, Nezumi stretched out on the moss.  He looked up through the branches, bowing in full leaf.  The dappled sunlight made him sleepy.  He rolled onto his side and rested his head on his arm.  He sensed that people hadn’t been through this area in a very long time.  It seemed safe to take a short rest.

A breeze wafted over him and ruffled his hair as his breathing relaxed.  Birds called to one another, some noticing the figure by the water, others uncaring.  Various insects on the water and in the grasses buzzed and clicked.  A deer, hidden in the trees and frozen at the first site of an intruder, finally lowered her head and resumed grazing as sleep claimed the quiet form.  Summer exulted all around him.

Nezumi sat on the moss next to the water’s edge and kicked his small feet in the cool water.  His voice rose in a squeal of laughter.

“Again.” He pleaded.

“We shouldn’t be late,” the woman’s voice patiently explained.  “There’s water to carry and herbs to pick.”

“But the sun is still high.”

“No, we need to walk back and food must be prepared.”

More laughter and splashing in the shallows.  Wading, kicking and flinging sparkling droplets into the air to form rainbows in the dazzling sun. 

Quick firm hands catching and lifting high in the air before landing him lightly on soft moss. 

Shaking water from long dark hair while squirming away from tickling fingers before running ahead, only to be called back by the sweet lyrical voice.

There were water bags to carry.  Good clear water that tasted fresh.  Two small bags were tied together with soft braided cord and hung over his shoulders as he set off with purpose.

The forest paths felt well-worn and familiar underfoot.  There would be treasures along the way. 

“Oh, what beautiful mushrooms!  We’ll gather some.”

He worked hard to keep up.  There were roots and fallen logs to scramble over, but agile, sure-footed feet were always just ahead to show the way.

The sun was lower now and the sky glowed faintly with the soft light of dusk.  He was inside.  A wonderful mouthwatering aroma filled the air.  It felt safe.  Home?  Was this home?

A kind, male voice praised him. “You’re growing fast.  You were very helpful today.”

“Was I?  I want to go again.”

“You will...  You can go every day this summer.  Help with your chores and afterwards you can sing and dance as much as you like.”

Nezumi’s breath caught with excitement.

“Even now?  Can I really sing now?”

“Yes, especially now.”  A warm hand rested on his hair.  “Let your voice soar.  We are so grateful for your return.  So proud of you.  Be happy with the white-haired boy.  We could not wish more for you.”

The words rang in his ears and he took them deep into his heart.

By now darkness had settled and a low, flickering flame made his eyelids feel heavy as he followed its movement.  Soft, warm bedclothes enveloped him.  Somewhere nearby, a baby gurgled and cooed softly. 

Again the sweet lyrical voice—as familiar as his own—wove a melody that floated on the air, surrounding him and caressing his ear.  He wanted to remain in its embrace; listening, listening… but his eyelids grew heavy as the voice soothed him to sleep.   His body felt warm and snug and his spirit drifted peacefully among the stars.

Nezumi woke with a deep sense of peace.  He tried to hold on to it for a few moments longer.  Today, his dream held steadily in his mind, more memory than dream.

He remembered—Mother, Father, and Sister— at least as much as a small child could remember.  For the first time since he lost his memory of his family, he felt a deep connection to them and to this place; a place he knew was forever changed, but a place from which he had come.  He couldn’t change that fact.  There was no need to fight it anymore.

All their spirits were here, he could feel them clearly now, and they wanted to be at peace.  The land was a place of peace, despite what had happened here.  He would have to respect that.

He drew a shaky breath.  His eyes started to sting and he blinked.  He tried to hold back, but then the tears came, hot and fast.  Before he realized what he was doing, he was on his hands and knees on the ground, sobbing so hard his chest was heaving.

Nezumi did not want to go through this again.  It was too painful.  Naturally, as a small child he had cried and called out for his parents, but he learned very soon—too soon—no one would answer and no one would come.  There were other things he and the old woman needed to worry about.  Loss gave way to basic survival and there had been no time to grieve.

Deep in his heart he knew this was long overdue.   His throat constricted and his voice rasped with each sob that shook his body.  He had carried his grief and vengeance as far as he could and ultimately vanquished the enemy, but it didn’t bring his family back.  After everything he had accomplished he had been left with emptiness.  He traveled long and far trying to escape that emptiness, but it never helped.  Tears continued to flow uncontrollably, spilling across overheated cheeks until he was spent, and then he rolled onto the ground.

He lay on the moss for a long time, too tired to think.  He simply stared at the lake with unseeing eyes until he finally noticed twilight was approaching.  The branches overhead were backlit by the fading light of the sky.  Shion would be waiting for him.  It was then that he remembered he was no longer empty or alone.  Things were different now.

He sat up, intending to gather his things when he noticed four sets of small eyes trained on him. Four, not three.

“What’s this?  Who have you found?”

A ginger and white colored mouse stood up on its hind legs and met his eyes with a curious, intelligent gaze.  Even without examining he could tell she was female.  He could just tell with them.

Hamlet, Cravat and Tsukiyo were chattering at him all at the same time.  “Whoa, whoa.  You want me to do what?”

He surmised that they wanted this mouse to come with them.

Nezumi carefully extended his hand to the mouse in invitation.  She daintily sniffed at his fingers, her nose twitching, and then she willingly crawled into his palm.  He held her up and looked at her with raised eyebrows.  “A female, huh.  Are you sure you want to come back with these old guys?”

The other mice chittered at him indignantly.  The new mouse lifted her front paw and seemed to nod yes.  As for the others three, their determined stance made it clear this was non-negotiable for them.

“Very well, m’lady, you are welcome to join our merry band.”  It was getting late and the temperature was dropping.  What could it hurt?  One more mouse for Shion to fawn over. 

He lifted her close to his bag and she snuggled inside.  He quickly scooped up the remaining mice, gathered his things and began the long walk back.

________________________________________________________________

It was well past midnight when Nezumi returned.  The living room was dark and empty, but a light shone from the hallway.  He found Shion in the bedroom waiting up for him with a book and a cup of tea.

“It’s so late.  You didn’t need to stay up for me.  Did you see my note?”

“Yeah, I saw it.” Shion said.  “I don't like to admit it, but it seems I can’t sleep if I don’t know where you are.  You probably hate that, but I was worried, especially since we argued.”

“Ah, but I thought we resolved that, and quite amicably, I might add.”

Color gently rose to Shion's cheeks.

“Were you worried that I was okay or worried that I had left?”

Shion set his cup on the night stand.  “Both, I guess.  I can’t seem to help it.”

“Sorry to make you worry.  I had something I needed to take care of.”  He paused for a moment.  “I went to the forest today.”

Shion looked up calmly.  “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but I did find something.  Or, rather, it found me…”

Nezumi stepped closer to the bed and pulled something from his bag with the utmost care. He placed it on the blue comforter.  Shion was amazed to see a sleek young mouse standing on its hind legs looking at him inquisitively.

The others poked their noses out of the bag and squeaked to be freed.  “Okay, I’ve got you, too.”  He lifted the strap over his head and placed the bag on the bed.  The males wriggled out so they were all together on the bed.

“They insisted she come and she was all for it.  I’m not sure why she would want to leave the forest.  These guys may descend from the forest mice, but they were born with me.  At least they’ve been used to this kind of life.”

Shion looked at them with fascination.  “Nezumi, I think it’s because they know their lives are drawing to an end.  They invited her.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened.  Being mice, they had spawned litters with wild females many times over, but they never showed any interest in bringing any companions back. 

“I guess so.” Nezumi said.  “She already knows some of the commands I use.  It’s as if they taught her.”

“I’m sure they did.”  Shion extended a finger and the new mouse gingerly sniffed it.  She sat back on her hind legs, nodding her head, and chirped softly.  Shion scratched behind her ear with the tip of his finger and she closed her eyes contentedly.

“They always take to you so naturally,” Nezumi observed.

Shion just smiled.

“It makes sense they’d bring someone back from the forest.  They’ve probably already mated.  We seem to have a new member of the family and I’m sure we’ll have more soon.”

“You’re always over sentimentalizing them.”

“They’re important companions. You can’t just treat them like things.”

“I never have.  It’s just that it was more like a professional arrangement until you showed up and gave them names and stuff.”

“Yeah, right…”  Shion headed to the kitchen.  They jumped onto the floor and skittered down the hall to follow him.  He put out water and food and left them to take care of themselves.

“We can’t keep all the babies,” he said as he returned to the bedroom.  Nezumi had undressed and was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on some shorts to sleep in.

“How uncharacteristically practical of you,” Nezumi said.

“Everyone understands how fast mice breed.”

“They’ll do okay.  I’ve let many of them go over the years.  How do you think I have so many at my beck and call?  They remained nearby and adapted quickly to making it on their own.  These guys were the exception.  They always stuck close.”

“You must be tired,” Shion said as he sat next to him. 

“Yeah, kind of.  I had an unusual experience.”

“What happened?”

“I fell asleep next to a lake in the old growth forest to the north.  I had a dream about my parents – even my baby sister.  It felt so real.  It was as if I was there.  I remember clearly what it felt like.  I heard their voices as distinctly as your own.  I still can’t remember their faces clearly.  I was just too young…”  Nezumi had tried to put it all behind him for so long.  He knew even this much was a tremendous gift.

“I’m glad.”  Shion laid his hand on Nezumi’s shoulder.  “I’ve never heard you talk about such a clear memory before.”

“That place I visited today.  We used to go all through the forest looking for herbs and mushrooms.  I remember it.”

“That’s amazing.  I had no idea.”

“What I’m about to tell you will probably seem unbelievable.”

“Maybe, but I promise I’ll believe you,” Shion said.

“Well, it may sound strange, but I could feel them.  Even though the village is gone, their spirits reside in the forest and they seem to be at peace.” 

Nezumi looked down.   This was as personal as it got for him.  He could hardly believe he was speaking so freely.  Lately, he had been observing Shion and was starting to change his mind about some things.  It took courage to be open when it was important.  It didn’t always represent weakness or naiveté.

“They’re glad I’m here.”

Shion closed his eyes and gave thanks in his heart to Nezumi’s family. “I always thought that place was so painful for you that you’d never return to this region.”

“It was even more than that.  I hated the destruction it represented.  Nonetheless, I knew it was something I would have to confront one day.”

Shion leaned back on his pillows and Nezumi propped himself up on an elbow next to him.  

“Over the years I’ve thought and thought,” Nezumi continued, “about whether I have an obligation to my people to get married and have kids.  You know… wondering if I have a responsibility to try and reestablish the lineage of the Forest People.”

Shion held his breath…

“But today I think they said it was okay.  We are okay.  It was pretty clear."

…and then he exhaled.  “I’m glad.”

They were both quiet for a few moments.

“Shion, I’ve never said this to anyone,” he began hesitantly, “but I always felt guilty for escaping the massacre.  I’ve been carrying their spirits on my back ever since.”

“I know,” Shion said.  “I always suspected.”

Nezumi looked away.  He didn’t like being transparent.

Shion put his hand on Nezumi’s and coaxed him back.

Nezumi met his eyes and nodded.  “I felt indebted to the whole village.  Taking down No.6 was the obvious answer, but even afterwards, my sense of debt remained.”

“What about now?” Shion asked.

Nezumi looked thoughtful and then smiled.  “I feel like they set me free.”

Shion squeezed his hand. 

“I’ll always think of them, and I’ll revisit the forest from time to time, but I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice my life to them.”

Nezumi rolled back on the bed, still holding Shion’s hand.  Suddenly he was very tired.  It had been a strange day, but it left him feeling peaceful and more calm than he had felt in a long time.

He turned to Shion.  “I’m beat.  Sleep with me?”

“Where else am I going to sleep?” Shion said.

“Well, I guess I meant sleep as opposed to other things we could be doing.”

Shion shoved a pillow in his face.

“Hey! What was that for?” Nezumi thumped the pillow back into his chest.

“Nothing.  It was just too irresistible.”

Nezumi grabbed his wrist and kissed him.  “There’s plenty of time, Shion.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” he said softly.  “You keep coming back.”

When Nezumi awoke next to Shion in the middle of the night he realized he had been dreaming again.  It was gentle and benign, full of chance images from his day.  He threw his arm over Shion’s middle and pulled him closer.

He would ponder this day for a long time to come.  His family and his people were still mysterious in many ways, but in his heart, in the most essential way, he felt he finally knew them.


End file.
